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I'm completely with you on this one.
My husband has remained friends with his ex (they were together for 9 years). I met her shortly after we started dating, and we run into her occasionally at parties/social events. But ... it's awkward for both of us (her and me). She's great, I'm great, we're friendly towards one another, but "it" is still out there and I doubt we'll ever be any closer than passing acquaintances.
I know that my husband felt strange excluding her (she also expressed disappoitment at not being invited) but there was no way I was ever going to be okay with her attending our wedding.
As cordial as she and I may be, I always feel a strangeness in the air when we're occupying the same space and I did NOT want to feel that way at my own wedding. I also didn't think that our wedding was the appropriate place for her to reconnect with his immediate and extended family. This was the day that I became a member of the family; not her chance to re-establish her previous connections to them. And, this is childish I'll admit, I didn't need to put myself through the agony of: "Is she imagining herself in my place?" My husband and I are very solid, and she's in a serious relationship herself, but that's just the way it is!
I completely stand by you on this, and your FI needs to do the same. FMIL may be friends with these families, but she should consider her FDIL's feelings about who gets invited to her own wedding and follow your cues on this.
I totally agree with you that in most circumstances the exes have NO place at the wedding. If his mom wants to invite the families well I'd tell her to shove it and you don't feel comfortable with FI's exes at your special day.
Funny story though, FI and I are inviting my ex and his family to our wedding but more as a joke then actually expecting anyone to attend. Ex is the one who technically introduced us so we feel like it's only fair to extend an invitation to the person who started this whole thing. (Ex was FI at the time when I met FI #2 and had asked FI #2 to be his BM at our wedding) Funny how life works out.
If you are uncomfortable with it, then NO WAY. I would never be okay with an ex at the wedding!! (Mine or his!)
Well I do know where you are coming from in the aspect of questioning if it's your wedding or your MIL's? Keep your foot down and stay firm. Go with your gut it is YOUR wedding and YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE at your wedding.
As a side note, my ex will be going to our wedding. But Dani knows him and we've got to visit and stay with them before in France and they've come and stayed and visited us in Seville. So I think that we've gone way beyond the relationship and it's all good.
Good luck!
Yep, it's your wedding and you get to invite who you want! It gets tricky when financial considerations come into it (i.e. FMIL is paying $X and therefore we should invite some people she wants) but really I think you've got a pretty good argument for not inviting these people. I assume you have no relationship with these people (the exes or their parents) in which case no need to invite them. I also assume the exes are adults no longer living with their parents in which case how WIERD would it be for them to be included on their parents' invitation? I would find that so odd especially if it was for an ex's wedding! Stand your ground, you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable at your own wedding :)
J and I talked about this, and in the end, some exes made the guest list, and others didn't. For us, the deciding factors were 1) whether the ex still has any sort of feelings for (one of) us (i.e. my crazy stalker ex isn't invited), 2) whether things ended on good or bad terms (i.e. his crazy ex who used him as a ride across the country to a mutual friends' wedding then dumped him the day they got home to move in with someone else is sure as heck not invited), and whether the ex treats (the other one of) us weird or not (i.e. his high school girlfriend is my friend, plus friends with ALL of our mutual friends, and we get along great, thus, she's invited - same situation for another guy I dated).
It's really more of a case-by-case thing than any hard and fast rule. Go with what you and your FI are comfortable with, not what his mom wants.
I totally agree. I had an ex who was shocked to not be invited even though he lives out of state and we only have occasional email contact. I wouldn't even consider inviting exes.
If you're not comfortable with them, then that really needs to be taken into account. I'm a firm believer in the couple having control over the guest list. As for exes... mine was my man of honor.
@cheerful: Good on you! I think it's really nice when exes can maintain a good relationship after a breakup. I've never been able to manage it myself, but I do respect it.
My fiance and I made a rule early on in the planning process that no exes would be invited to the wedding. Neither one of us want to feel uncomfortable at our OWN wedding.
I'm friends with one of my exes and another is actually a friend of the family as well. I would never invite either of them as it might make my fiance uncomfortable. If it's weird at all when you see them in person, why would you want them there on your biggest day?
I think it totally depends on the relationships that each of you has with your exes. If you still are friends with some of them and see/talk to them on a semi-regular basis and it isn't unreasonable to invite them. Just make sure you both talk to each other about any exes you are thinking of inviting so it's not a surprise. I thought I might be a little uncomfortable with one of my husband's exes there (even though she still hangs out in our group of friends), I had so much going on was too busy and happy to be uncomfortable. Don't forget, there's a reason they are an ex and you are the fianceé.
My fiance's ex-girlfriend is one of my bridesmaids. They've been such close friends for such a long time and she and I have become close as well. Do what you want to do for your wedding, but one bit of advice: if your fiance is close to his ex, you should be as well. Yes, it can be awkward a bit at first, but once you get passed that, she could wind up being someone who you want to have around.
PlaidBride, I'm totally with you. That's exactly our situation. My ex is good friends with my husband as well. Thanks for the kudos, million!
Ha, one of my ex's is also one of my best friends! We decided to give dating a go and it went HORRIBLY. 4 years of arguing and ooooh it was just a mess. We work MUCH better as friends and Mr. KM and him have quite the little bromance going on. It's quite funny and it's not awkward at all since we were best friends first. He's actually going to be one of Mr. KM's groomsmen!
yeah that's just weird... my fiance has an ex that we're both sorta okay with, but she's not a close friend and she's still his ex. SO, she's not even making the B-list. 
Oh gosh, you poor thing. That is totally awkward, and this situation shouldn't be forced upon you. You are totally not having a bridezilla moment--I'm on your side!
Stick to your guns on this one! It's just weird and the last thing you want is to be uncomfortable on your wedding day!
Well I will be inviting an ex... and his family. but SO is friends with him too and our favorite summer pastime is floating in ex's pool with him, the dogs, and his parents... sipping drinks and getting tan.... lol.
However, in your siutation i would say no. 2 families is a lot of guests and could mean an extra $1000+ dollars between food, chairs, etc... No way!
You absoutely should not have to invite them. Friends of the mother or not, the simple fact is that your FI's exes probably do not have warm and fuzzy feelings toward his marriage to you, and for that reason, they should not be allowed at the wedding.
FI and I have a no exes policy but we also haven't maintained relationships with exes. I say if it makes you at all uncomfortable you need to say something, or maybe better have your FI say something to his parents about it. It would be kind of absurd and selfish of people not to understand how that might make you uncomfortable to have your FI's ex at your wedding. Maybe they just aren't aware how uncomfortable you'd be with it. Speak up.
My exFI is upset he's not invited to my wedding, but I haven't seen him in 5 plus years and FH hasn't ever met him. Didn't really think it was appropriate to invite him. I wouldn't invite any exes to your wedding if you a) aren't comfortable with them b) haven't met them. It may lead to awkward moments. Put your foot down. Your FMIL should come around to see your POV.
Thats...so...awkward? Unless your exes are from highschool and you still hang out with them, that is not a reasonable request, no matter how supposedly close to them she is. I mean, c'mon, I don't think it even matters if they're footing the bill- it's just weird.
i think it could depend on their relationship. i'm friends with my ex, and everyone's fine with it. we knew each other since we were babies, he moved down the street when we were two, and we grew up having our families be best friends, celebrating holidays and going on trips together. just because we dated and broke up, that wasn't going to stop. we went to his wedding, and now he's invited to ours. i grew up with him and i wouldn't want it any other way, my fi knows that, and he knows that's all it is. but, i think if it's truly making you that unhappy, don't have her there. it is your wedding after all, and you should have to be worrying about your guest list.
I think it depends on the realtionship with the ex. Not everyone has negative feelings about their SO's ex. I don't find it at all inappropriate as long as both partners are okay with it.
But, if one of the partners is not okay with it, then their feelings should be respected.
I invited 4 of my exes to my wedding. My husband has met all of them before and was perfectly comfortable having them there. They are all close friends. Only 2 ended up coming though. I didn't feel any awkwardness. So I agree with those that say it depends on the relationships and how you and your fi feel about it.
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hey all. i need your opinions.
i dont think that exes should be invited to weddings. i mean come on? it's akward enough if you see them in a grocery store, let alone invite them to the day you get married to another person! there are some exceptions where people are really JUST FRIENDS after... but my fiance has none of those SOOO
His mom is friends with 2 of his exes families. Which believe me is akward for me. and she wants them invited to the wedding. THE WHOLE FAMILY. ex included (she even said we had to include the exes name on the invitation so they 'felt welcome'. HA! the only welcoming i want to give them is a good punch in the face!
I told my fiance there is no way in hell that is happening, but he thinks that it would be ok. but it's my wedding not his moms right? or am i have a total bride-zilla moment?