Post # 1
My SO had a really long crush (like 7 years) on an ex he dated in high school. She broke it off with him because she wasn’t feeling it and it was a nice friendship overall. It didn’t go past a few months of holding hands and kissing.
In 2007 he finally begins to let her go, and by the time we meet and begin to date she’s less on his mind. In fact, he tells me that he had dream about her and how she begged him to be with her (finally) but he declines because he’s with me now.
In 2009 my SO’s best friend dies. Calls are made to exes and it was a little weird meeting 2 major ones. The one mentioned above, the girl he’d never think wrongly of, and the one that could’ve (but definitely shouldn’t have) been. I finally meet her. I think she’s pretty and seems sweet. But deep inside I feel that I am better and better for my SO (I have to be honest!) so I’m not too worried about it at all.
Shortly after the funeral he gets a text from her asking to come out to watch a film. I’m glad my SO asks me about it first, because I can’t go (classes). I tell him my concerns “Well…she’s single right? And…I don’t feel comfortable with that…” SO respects my feelings (he’s great) but the texting goes on and I’m OK with it.
Last night we met them at a theme park with her BF, and I’m glad, but felt remarkably uncomfortable. This is a girl who he’s had over 7 years of pinning for. Nice that they are friends but how far could/should it go? We met last night because she started a text with him with “I had a dream about you…” I’ve never obsessed over for that long, nevertheless dated them too.
SO says to think about how he feels when I chat with the bazillions of boys who I had a crush on (I remind him that I never got to the point of holding their hands even). And, in fact, the ones I think of once in a blue moon have changed over the years. One is clearly too high-maintenance for me and the other is balding with little success in life so far, last is married and I’ve never met him.
Am I overreacting or am I justified for being uncomfortable? I’d like them to be friends, why not? But I can’t exactly see her hanging out at our place playing Halo…either. And i already get uncomfortable seeing her in public, so maybe it’ll wear off? Are they crossing the line with texts? Because in my mind catching up would be one little friendly, unpretentious conversation…What do I do?
Post # 3
First, congratulations to you for trying to be mature and clear headed about this. Me, not so much. I don’t think you’re unjustified in being uncomfortable. He admittedly longed to be with this woman for 7 years. In guy terms, that’s pretty darn close to forever with an extra ever.
Make sure your fiance is aware that your uncomfortable, but that you are trying to see if you can work through it. That way, if you decide you are just not okay, you can bring it up and won’t have come out of nowhere. I think what helps in your situation is that you seem to have amazing communication.
Short Story – My FH’s best friend is a woman and they’ve been friends since before I was born, literally. They’ve been friends since they were 11 and I wasn’t born until 2 months after FH 17th birthday. I don’t care for her too much. I really don’t have a great reason. I just don’t like that she gets special time. So my FH is sensitive to that and doesn’t really talk about her much around me. But I can’t tell him who he can and can’t be friends with either, so we’ve worked it out the best way we know how.
Good Luck and *Hugs*!!
Post # 4
So obviously I don’t know the whole story between him and you, but if she has a bf, I think it’s wierd for them to be hanging out alone. Why put yourself in a situation that is practically begging for something inappropriate…like rekindling feelings/crushes.
I can see how the death of a mutual friend would bring old friends close again and it’s great that he is being so open with you about what’s going on but I personally wouldn’t be a fan of it.
Post # 5
Does this girl have a BF?
I can see why you’re uncomfortable with the situation, but you need to remember that your SO loves you and wants to be with you. And if he says he only wants to be friends with this girl now, you should try to trust that he’s telling the truth 🙂 Maybe you would feel more comfortable with this friendship if you got to know her a bit better? If you don’t feel comfortable with them meeting up without you, then you have every right to tell your SO that.
Four years ago I had a massive crush on one of my BF’s friends (this was of course before we started dating, and BF and I were just aquaintances back then), which lasted for almost a year. I never dated this guy as he wasn’t interested, and it was horrible having to see him every week in classes (this was in university). The crush wore off eventually, as crushes tend to do, and the feelings for him were long gone by the time I started dating BF. I still see this guy once in a while at social events, and don’t feel anything. If this guy told me now that he wanted to date me, I seriously wouldn’t even consider it.
Post # 6
@BellsforHer: She does now. We met him last night with her so that was pretty cool. For the better part of his “crushing years” she was single, and he reasons that he can’t see himself giving her a chance in the future because he’s waited for so long, and all the opportunities that could’ve made the relationship start again never did. I’m clearly OK with how he’s behaving, but I don’t know this woman so my concern is “What’s her motive to being so friendly to him?” I told him last night, after they parted ways, that women typically have a reason for doing what they do. He was flabbergasted like he didn’t know what I meant. Why would she want to meet up with an ex with her BF? In my woman’s mind, I think it’s to show off in some form or another?
He’s misread her a lot but to be honest I would too. She’s really sweet and friendly, but I think there’s a point of responsibility to take. (In a nutshell, those past 7 years were about her miscommunicating with him and “leading him on”. Because she did send out extremely ambiguous signals…like…only-for-boyfriend-invites to a person who’s supposed to act like the gay friend.) I don’t want to read too much into this, but again I probably already have.
Post # 7
If you don’t want him to be friends with her I don’t think that is unreasonable given their history, regardless of whether or not she has a boyfriend. But, if you tell him he can be friends with her I don’t think you should put restrictions on the friendship. The whole “they can be friends but only via text and not in small groups” seems really complicated. Either let them be friends like he is with any other friend, or ask him to stay away. Just my opinion.