(Closed) exhausting bridesmaid drama over bachelorette… need advice!

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

One of my BMs from from out of town can’t make to the bachlorette party.  She called me to tell me that due to a new projetct launch she is unable to get that weekend off as she hoped. I understood.

For me it’s not a requirement.  I would love for all of them to be there, but I understood why she can’t.

In your case, I probably wont’ go bc they are being difficult towards you.  I would explain it to the bride if you are feeling that badly about the whole situation.

Post # 4
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you are a great friend for trying to work this all out and being reasonable the entire way. You’ve been considerate of others and their time and they have not reciprocated. I think you can forego the “rule” that the other bridesmaids imposed because you’ve already had direct communications with the bride about this and you are both due for some closure on the topic. So, I’d explain to her exactly how you explained it here, plainly, simply. It is clear you’ve done all you can, are not being selfish but quite the contrary and that some of this is just a matter of crazy circumstance with the 6/4 weekend being the same as your annual shindig, and now, suddenly the date and place of the bachelorette which at one point the bride herself said would not happen outside of NYC. Geez, Louise! So, express this all to the bride as cleanly as possible. She may be upset at first that you’ll miss the bachelorette but it sounds like with past discussions with her you’ve been successful to cut through the noise of the other BMs and their B.S.! Good luck!

Post # 5
1231 posts
Bumble bee

hahaha, i’m sorry I just had to laugh. That happens to me too! Whenever something gets planned and no one is willing to change when and where, so I make other plans and then the first thing gets changed so I can go to it. Isn’t it just amazing, honestly if you didn’t have plans, it would still by in NYC. 😛

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I think its wierd that her Fiance was e-mailing you about it, when he isn’t going to be their anyway and it is none of his business. You have no obligation to go. Would it be nice and make the bride happy? Yes, but you may be miserable the whole time, because the other girls are giving you a hard time. I say keep your original plans and maybe by the wedding people will have lightened up.

Post # 6
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Going to be blunt, I think the bride, her fiance and the rest of the bridesmaids sound like assholes. You’re being very accomidating and they don’t seem to care. I’ve planned a number of showers/bachelorette parties and the first thing you do is coordinate with everyone else involved. It’s common sense! How dare they insist that you cancel your plans to make them happy?! Stick with your original plans and if they don’t like it, they can shove it. It’s certainly not the end of the world if you miss the bachelorette party. 

Good luck with that full dose of crazy!

Post # 7
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m going to play devils advocate. I’m not saying the bride/bridesmaids are 100% in the right, but I would be mad if a date was fine but location wasn’t, and we moved the location to the person’s perference and they had already made other plans, especially a bridesmaid.

I think you should suck it up for the sake of the friendship.

Post # 8
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think that the rest of the bridesmaids (and even the bride and her fiance) are being rude. If you weren’t consulted as to the date for the first event and then things were switched around and you’re expected to drop your plans, that’s in no way your fault.

I’d just send my ‘sincerest regrets’ that I can’t be there. You did what you could and they should be respectful of your time and your plans. 

Post # 9
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Schrutebeets: I don’t think that’s right.  She made sure there was no other option, which at the time there wasn’t, before she made these other plans.  Life happens, and they can’t expect you to change everything now that they decided to change their plans, when they wouldn’t before.

I think they are being a little bit rude and inconsiderate, and as much as it sucks that you can’t make it, the bride should understand.

Post # 10
3 posts
  • Wedding: August 2010

One of my bridesmaids bailed on my bachelorette party.  I was a little hurt because it was last minute and she really didn’t have a legitimate excuse, but ultimately I realized that if she didn’t want to be there, for whatever reason, it was ok and we would have more fun without her.  I don’t say this to sound judgmental, because I totally understand your situation.  What I mean is that you will obviously be uncomfortable and therefor, not into the whole thing anyways.  I would suggest skipping it.  Let the other girls think what they think.  If you and the bride are good friends, she’ll get over it soon enough.  Remember, she’s also in the middle and getting pulled in many directions.  I’m sure when the whole wedding thing is over and she can return to her normal life, she will understand your side and you two will be fine.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 11
4804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you are being completely reasonable.  They didn’t let on that there was a possibility of changing the location; you made sure of that before you made your other plans.

Post # 12
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Schrutebeets: I partly agree!

Yes, the bridesmaids were not nice in not consulting on dates with you – that sucks. 

And yes, you have this trip planned which you look forward to every year. 

But it happens every year. Your “good friend” (as you said) will never have another bach party. You unwillingness to go says to her “I like my other friends better than you.” I’m sure that she has cried about this especially considering her FI’s response. 

You will loose this friendship if you do not go to the party. They changed cities for you so that you could attend! If you had said yes to it straight away then no one would be mad and it wouldn’t be awkard and you could have had an awesome time.

So, choose: Your “good friend” or a Saturday night and Sunday at a Cape which will happen next year. 

Post # 13
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Thank you @Tickles!

@MrsSl82be…I believe the poster asked for opinions on the situation and I’m giving mine. I’m not by any means saying the bride/bridesmaids are 100% right at all. I think they are being annoying, and if I were in the poster’s position, I too would be peeved.

However, I think for the sake of the friendship it is EASIER to just go. Yes, sometimes we want to “put people in their place.” But by not going it’s not like the bride/others will say wow did we do something to make her mad and apologize. It will end up being unnecessary drama, hurt feelings, and possibly an end the friendship. In my opinion, it’s not worth it when you look at the big picture.

Post # 14
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ok so I totally agree with some of the other posters that the bride and BMs are just ganging up on you and being unreasonable about this, not to mention mean and dramatic. That’s totally not ok.

However, I have to agree with @tickles that your Cape trip happens every year and this is her one bachelorette party and while they aren’t being fair or nice about it, you need to go. You will have your Cape trip next year but this is for your friend’s wedding and you are a Bridesmaid or Best Man. You can discuss how this was handled later but smooth it over enough so that everyone will have fun without tension or drama and go to the bachelorette.

This really is a bad situation for you because you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place…you want to support you friend but you know they’re being rude. Definitely discuss it later and make sure they know how they made you feel and that it wasn’t ok for everyone to get involved and gang up you, not to mention making you feel guilty. There is definitely a better way for them to handle this.

Sorry, girl, this is just one those times where you have to be the better person for the moment, take a hit, and go support your friend. Once you smooth it over, you’ll have a good time and everything will be fine.

Post # 15
12 posts
  • Wedding: August 2011

I have to take the side of going to your friend’s bach party. You are one of the top ladies in her life for her having chose you to be a part of her day and the things leading up to it. It is hard for 5 girls who would not necessary communicate with each other if not for the sake of the bride to suddenly coordinate and communicate effectively and work together. I do think their hearts were in the right place where they want all the girls to come together and they made accommodations and set it in stone. Try to reschedule your yearly visit maybe later in the season.

Post # 16
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with the minority here…. while you went out of your way to accommodate and I can totally see that, I do think you should probably try and attend the bachlorette party. I know you may be uncomfortable and feel annoyed by the other girls, however that evening is supposed to be about the bride who is your good friend. I agree with pp who said she has probably cried about this, I think the fact that you are important enough to her that she has you in her wedding means for this event she should be important enough to you that you will change your plans even though you are not really in the wrong and you really don’t want to. I just think that your friendship is probably worth sucking it up this time, missing your weekend with friends, and dealing with the discomfort with the other girls and the event.

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