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OK so! I recently spoke to a friend of mine who is a bridesmaid in her brother's wedding. She told me that she is having a hard time 'affording' her bridesmaid position in the wedding. I didn't give her the ' you should have known before you signed up' speech and instead asked what the bride was expecting of her. She named them out for me.. all of which she has to contribute to
Dress- $250 (I asked! )
wedding gift
Shoes
Bach party
second bach party!
bridal shower
-contribute AND gift
second bridal shower
-contribute AND gift
and on top of all of that.. she requested/demanded that everyone go on a bridesmaid weeken in the keys which involves:
hotel
rental car
activities (which can get pretty pricey there)
brides activities
---to me... this is pretty crazy! Are you brides expecting your maids to spend so much money????
omg that's absurd. i have three bridesmaids on one coast, and three on the other, so i'll be very pelased to have them contribute in whatever they can. i certainly don't expect them to fly back and forth for pre-wedding events. they are spending enough to be in the wedding itself. my MOH is wonderful and is lucky enough to have free airfare, so she has mentioned doing one east coast bachelorette party and one west coast bachelorette party, which would be fab for the other bridesmaids. she really is so sweet to coordinate this, but i would never expect it of her. it was a very pleasant surprise! she has also mentioned organizing a bridal shower out here.
have i mentioned how wonderful my MOH is? lol
The only money my maids are spending is for their dress. they can wear their own shoes and do their own hair. I am not having any showers or bach parties or engagement parties,because I feel its just more money spent and more financial stress on everyone. I personally dont understand why its necessary to have so many parties in your honor before your wedding.
Why two showers and why are they responsible for the bach party? As in the grooms party?
My expectations are show up to the wedding. That's it. If they want to throw a shower that is nice but I'd actually prefer they didn't (I have enough stuff). B-party we are going to a friends cottage for the wknd, so just food for that but that is easy and we need to eat at home too.
They picked their own dresses and shoes and I told them they didn't have to do hair or makeup but all said they wanted professionally done.
Your friend is under no obligation to host any pre events, and should decline if she can't manage it.
@Ms. Meowerson: my MOH is pretty amazing too, not gunna lie lol I feel bad about how much it costs to be in the wedding at all! And I am having a DW so people will have to fly.. I could not imagine burdening my best friends financially so much that they regret being in my wedding at all!
@Oneeleven: 2 bach parties and 2 showers because apparently the bride has a lot of older people in her family and she does not want to mix old with young! She wants a young-fun one and an older people more formal one :-| My question was... umm... what is a "formal" bach party?!
@andielovesj: thats the thing, she is not even the host! She is not the MOH, she is just a BM who declined to be a BM until the bride begged and begged and said her only responsibilities were to show up to the rehersal and walk down the aisle.
She should just say NO. 2 bridal showers and parties are no acceptable. I wouldn't even pretend to entertain that'd I'd be pitching in for BOTH.
No this is rediculous. My girls were responsible for their dress 189 with tax. I told them where I am getting my hair and makeup done.. and said you are more then welcome to come, but not required to get your hair and makeup professionally done. It is outrageous that she is demanding showers and bach parties.. That should be something someone offers and if they are hosting and putting the things together they should not be required to give a gift in my opinion. The trip is an un justifyable expense. No offense but this bride is being WAY to demanding!!! Absolutely uncalled for someone needs to put her in check... or they should all back out until she comes to her senses... Oh and she cannot make them get shoes unless she wants to pay.. Or maybe she should just pay for all the outrageous things she is expecting them to shell out money for.
@organizedbride11: Her wedding is next month, I am sure if they all backed out she would come to her senses rather quickly! I think she is being way too demanding as well! When she told me all of this, I asked if she was buying the dresses for them because at least that expense is being covered for the girls. My friend said she was just told when and where to get a fitting and was given her 250$ bill for her dress! Now dont get me wrong, my BM dresses are around the same amount but I sent pics after pics.. got opinions.. told everyone how much it was BEFORE it was picked... i feel so bad for her!
@vmec: the best part: one of the showers my friend was invited to like 2 days before! And because she couldn't take off work or find a sitter in 2 days she was told that she still needed to give money to the shower and send a gift because she is in the bridal parti :-/
Wowie kazowie! This is crazy! I would never expect all this from my bridal party, in fact I don't expect anything from them outside of paying for their dress. People kill me!
@MrsNeutrino: well if she demdands a gift and you give it to her it's like giving candy to the screaming kid in the candy shop. Why on earth would you give in?
if she wants to have so many parties then she should pay for them. I would drop out and give her a card with a reality check in it. she sounds horrible
Wow that is crazy!
My bridesmaids paid for their dresses ($160) and each of them are contributing toward the bachelorette party (nothing huge or expensive) and bringing food items for the bridal shower. I didn't want them to spend extra money on shoes, so they're wearing whatever black heels they want and I don't care if they get their hair/makeup done, so I let them have the option of paying for that if they want. I'm not really expecting gifts from them, since they already had to purchase a dress that they probably won't wear ever again and their gift is basically putting up with my wedding stress/vents.
@vmec: I wouldn't. I guess she is in a different position seeing that it is her FSIL
I wouldnt expect so much of someone so far!!! I think a convo is in need between the maid and Bride! Im sure if put in this light the Bride would most likely understand!
@CupCakeMeg: From what I know, the maid said she had a convo with the bride about how much everything was coming up to be.. and the bride brought up the maids wedding and really pissed off the maid (and Idk why she brought it up.. my friend eloped :-/)
see i think this is also important to set expectations right up front. i hope any girls who haven't asked their bridesmaids yet can learn from this. i think since everyone has such different expectations of their girls, it is important to state these when asking. i told my girls (at least the ones i've asked so far), that i 100% understand if they cannot/do not want to spend the money it takes to be in a wedding, and i would in no way be hurt if they declined. that said, this girl is just bonkers.
Yep...the bride is expecting WAAAAAYYY too much. I wouldn't do it and that would be that. I would buy my dress and show up at the rehearsal and wedding. At the very least, I would have my brother talk some sense into her.
I can't stand for somebody to make arrangements about how I spend MY money.
My girls paid for their dresses ($125). Nails, hair and makeup were all optional but very affordable, I think all of them opted to do it. They threw me a fun shower, and bachelorette party, but neither were expensive. They wore whatever black shoes they wanted.
I think 3 of my 6 bridesmaids got us a wedding gift. I certainly didn't expect them to.
@Ms. Meowerson: thats the thing! My friend asked the bride what she had to do! And the bride basically stated 'show up to the rehersal and show up to the wedding' :-| thats it. Now all of these added things.. seems really shady! I don't know how you could expect someone in my friends position to front that kind of money.. it is just ... crazy.. agreed!
Yea thats way too much to ask. Im sure she wasnt expecting to have to pay all of that. The only thing im asking my girls to pay for is the dress, which i hope to keep under 150, and thieir transportation/lodging for the wedding.
My Expectations:
- The Bridesmaid Dress: I narrowed down the ones they tried on at the store to two different ones. The first cost $180 and the second cost $200. I hated to have them spend $200 but that one looked universally good on all of them and it could be worn again for something really nice (the other dress looked more bridesmaid-ey). So I figured the $200 would be a better investment and speaking to other bridesmaids, this is on the low end of the dress spectrum. I was told that some have paid $300-$400 for a bridesmaid dress that was hideous.
I did not specify what shoes they wear, as long as they all match. So they can pick whatever shoes in whatever price range they want.
- The Bridal Shower: I'm sure wherever it is, my mother is paying for some of it. I don't know what they have planned. It's all up to them how much they want to spend.
- The Bachelorette Party: I have no idea if they have started planning or thinking about this, but I have no involvement so far. Even if we just go out for drinks, I'd just like to have a good time.
- I would hope they would contribute a gift to me for my wedding. I would never say I required anything of them, but as I have already told them I'm paying for their hair at the wedding and I'm getting them a thank you for being my bridesmaid gift (satin bathrobes from VS with their first initial embroidered). It would be nice if they at least get me something, even just a card.
What I have planned for my Bridesmaids:
- I'm paying for their updos at the wedding.
-I'm throwing a thank you bridesmaid luncheon.
- I'm purchasing wedding party gifts for them. (Satin robes at VS with their first initial embroidered on it)
-Of course their food & drinks at the wedding!
Wow, that is crazy! I cannot pay for dresses, etc for my bridesmaids, but I would certainly not be upset if they had to wear a dress they already own, or didn't get their hair or makeup done on the day of. Some brides are just so entitled it drives me mad.
@MrsNeutrino: I just feel everyone gives their wedding party jewelry. I wanted to give them something nice they can re-use. Satin robes are so nice. Especially the pretty kimono style ones at Victoria's secret!
I paid for my BMs' dresses but two were struggling college students and the dresses wereot expensive. I paid for their bouqets and gave them their jewelry as a gift. Although it would have been nice if they had helped more, I did not expect a gift, but then again we specifically asked for no gifts.
Personally, I would be telling the bride-to-be described in this post to take a hike.
Dear god...how many parties does this girl need?
I can't imagine asking anyone to spend that much just for the 'honour' of being an attendant. All three of my girls are students, and I knew their budgets wouldn't allow for a lot of spending on my wedding, so we paid for their dresses, hair and makeup because it was within our budget.
I did not request, ask about or even remotely mention parties of any kind; they took it upon themselves to plan a super awesome bachelorette party and surprise shower, and while I was super appreciative of them putting together such kickass events for me, I wouldn't have thought any less of them if they hadn't planned anything.
It seems to me a fair amount of brides pick their maids with the mindset of "who will be most useful and do the most for me" as opposed to "this person is really important to me and I can't imagine my big day without them at my side". It really makes me sad. My girls were so honoured and happy when I asked them to be in my wedding; if I thought for one second I was treating them like some of the brides I've seen vents about on here, I would seriously die of shame.
@posh_princess: for sure! I am giving my BMs make up bags and a MAC giftcard so they can fill the bag, a robe would be nice in addition! I love these girls :)
I am having a bridal shower/bridesmaid/bachelorette combo weekend, but as the bride I AM PAYING FOR THE HOTEL. I don't think it's fair that they are going to throw me a shower and then ask them to pay for a place to stay? It's the least I can do, and then I can pick wherever I want to go. And I'm picking a place that is only 30 mins away from home so that if they need to go home, they can, if they want to come hang, then they can, and transportation won't be an issue. I also plan on paying for a few bottles of champagne and a cake as a surprise for the girls for all their help with the wedding.
Things they have to pay for:
My expectations for my girls were blue knee length (non-skanky*) dresses and silver shoes. Everything else they have done is icing on the cake.
*For one of my BM's, I did have to emphasize the non-skanky requirement.
@posh_princess: I bought Vic Secret red satin robes for my girls, and got custom tie-in labels on etsy!! They are so adorable!! And since they tie in, the girls can take them out after.
gosh! thats a LOT! In the UK the bridesmaids pay for nothing.
the bride has to pay for their dresses, their shoes, the hen night, everything!!
then again, we dont have large bridal parties like it seems is normal in the us.
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