(Closed) Expectations Follow with a Blow to the Head. *some serious advice needed*

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

After reading this and getting an understanding of the money situation on both sides, I would do everything you can to cut costs.  I agree with you that to put that kind of financial burden on your parents is unfair.  There are MANY bees on here that have pulled off a beautiful wedding on much less than $10k.  It can be done!

As for the honeymoon, why not wait a year or two and spend that amount of time saving?  I know it’s not the ideal situation, but it works and has it’s benefits.  When DH and I got married, we had zero money set aside for a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford to set that money aside.  We spent the year after our wedding saving like crazy and were able to take a pretty awesome honeymoon.  It was definitely well worth the wait!

Post # 4
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

So, you ask what to do and in my honest opinion, there is only one thing to do. Decline the money from your parents. You said they are in debt and have no savings for retirement and your dad is already working 12 hour days. It sure sounds like they need the $10k for things other than hosting your wedding. If you want a wedding, you should be willing to pay for it yourself or take on the debt, not ask your parents to shoulder that debt that they clearly do not need and can not afford. Having your parents pay because an old tradition says the bride’s parents should pay for a wedding is the stupidest excuse I’ve ever heard. 

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I think the first thing you should do is cut the list to include immediate families, your personal friends and maybe first cousins (or some other inclusion) that your parents will pay for. Anyone above that his parents should pay for per head.

Then cut where you can. Change the venue, type of food, dress budget, DIY what you can.

His parents are comfortable paying for what they are comfortable paying for and so are your parents. Ask what that dollar amt is, and then ask if you can have the check for it and you combine it to use it as wisely as possible, hopefully with enough leftover for a honeymoon.

Second, are you in school now? Can you get a part time job, babysitting, mowing lawns, CVS etc to help save some money for the wedding?

Post # 6
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

this is a tough situation!  what do you want to do?  if it was me, i’d cut the list.  i’d probably figure out how many guests your side has (say 30 people), and then tell your FI he’s also allowed 30 guests.  so majorly cut down the guest list, and not invite anyone you’re not close to.  i think whoever is paying should have complete control over the guest list.  if your in-laws have an issue with having to cut their list, i’d say well if you’d like to include XX more people, it’ll be $75 per person (or whatever your catering/alcohol $$ is), you can make the check out to my dad!

Post # 7
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I see where you are coming from, but I am paying for the wedding myself so I can’t say I am in your shoes. I would suggest stop talking about money with everyone…. Providing money for the wedding should be considered a gift rather than an obligation. I would talk to both set of parents and see what they are willing to do, but I would keep those conversations private. 

Money tends to complicate everything, good luck. 

Post # 8
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t want to sound rude, but to me, YOU are the one being selfish, expecting your parents and his parents to pay anything toward your wedding.  I understand you have a book that says that’s the way it is, but reality doesn’t match up.  Tradition of who pays for what is pretty much out the door.  I don’t think you should have anymore expensive wedding than you and your fiance can afford.  Why don’t you and your fiance work extra hours or take on side jobs, rather than expecting your father to do so?  You also mentioned that you live with his parents … do they charge you rent and utilities?

I would absolutely have a smaller wedding with less people and put a good share of the money up yourselves.

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@slicey19: Same here; maybe it’s time to consider elopement!

Post # 10
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

If you have nobody to impress, I’d say just do your best with what you’ve got. At a certain point there’s no nice way to ask someone to give, whether they have it or not. It also sounds like your family is offering more than they’re in a position to provide.

 My FI and I went into wedding planning with the intention of paying everything for ourselves. This meant a limited budget but at the end of it all I think we’ll be well under 20k. We’re holding the reception at a steakhouse rather than a hall (which is much cheaper for significantly better food). We will be making flower arrangements, stationary and the entire sweets table/wedding cake ourselves. Also, if you’re having an orthodox ceremony: I’m making the stefana. Those silk crowns can cost hundreds of dollars and all you need is a coat hanger, some ribbon and beads! Depending on how much time you have there are a lot of ways to save money.

 Furthermore, we have eliminated some parts. Mr Rugbee will be buying a suit rather than renting a tux (more long term), there will be no rehearsal dinner, videographer, bridal underwear(?!?), additional musicians, limousine or hairstylist/makeup for my BMs. Our wedding party is small and consisting only of adults who will buy/rent their suits as well. Jewellery and coats will be provided by my mom and MIL.

Post # 11
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@weddingstars2012: I agree with previous posters. Also, a slight tidbit that might help you venue-wise and vendor-wise: Would you consider marrying on a Sunday or even a weekday? Lots of venues and vendors will offer discounts if your wedding day falls on a day of the week other than a Saturday. Of course you may also consider having your wedding during the off-season to save cost, too. I see your date is set to 7/14/12 but I wasn’t sure if that was set in stone or not so just offering you options if you’re open. Hang in there. Your day will be so very beautiful and special. You’ll make it work!

Post # 13
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Cut the guest list and some of FI’s family. Frankly, that’s what we had to do. I didn’t get everyone I wanted on the guest list either. We saw it this way: If the in-laws were dead set on renovating their house instead, fine. So where in the world did they expect us to get the extra money to feed and entertain everyone? Those not invited may have been upset. MIL was DEFINITELY upset, but did she have a leg to stand on? No. If she had offered up even enough for, say, the RD and some of the honeymoon, things would have been different.

I’m sorry your fiance dropped the ball on this. I don’t think you’re being selfish. I think there was a plan and the plan failed and that’s why you are upset. Hugs.

ETA you also didn’t ask for 10K, your parents offered that much. Don’t feel bad. You should feel bad only if you said “I need 10K come hell or high water mom and dad so fork it over!”

Post # 13
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

if you want to throw the wedding ‘out the window’ then do so

I agree with all other pp.

Post # 13
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think what you’re expecting from your parents is selfish. Let alone what’s being expected from his side. If you can’t pay for it on your own then elope and stop putting so much stress on your families.

We are planning a wedding for under $3k and paying for it…wait for it…OURSELVES.

Don’t put hardship on family for a wedding/reception.

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Crisark: I agree with this. Ours was close to $10k and we paid for it ourselves.  Just elope and get it over with

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