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I would just simply tell her that it's not going to happen and if she wants one, then she can host it. Even with your FI's idea of going somewhere local is cool. Don't let it stress you out. Having brunch is not going to ruin your whole day.
I would just tell her that you can't host it, but if she wants to host then more power to her! The morning after brunch is pretty common around here, usually its at the bride or grooms parents house, very informal. I think its even more common if guests are out of town and spending the night.
I see what you mean, but if she wants to host it just let her. It will only take a few hours of your day.
It's common where I'm from too. It's typically a brunch or late morning get together and any presents received are opened in front of those attending. Most couples start their honeymoon the following day (Monday) or leave late afternoon on Sunday.
BUT if you don't want to do it, then you shouldn't be forced to, especially if you've been doing all the planning all along without any help or thanks.
In my family, a 'gift opening' the day after is pretty common. It's always in the afternoon, not the morning and I can't remember going to one where the couple actually opened gifts. I've never seen it done at the couple's house, always a relative's (usually the parents).
This is a pretty common thing, especially if there are a good number of out of town guests. However, that doesn't mean you are under an obligation to do this. If your FMIL is set on it she can host it herself. And honestly if she hosts it there's two less meals you have to worry about cooking that day.
But it's your choice.
@Bostongrl25: Thats the thing, she doesn't want to actually do or pay for anything it seems. And her not being from this area, I will wind up doing all the planning anyway.
My Mom who is hilarious was like "I'm not paying for any breakfast anywhere when they have free breakfast at the hotel. Can't everyone just meet downstairs at a certain time?" People might think thats cheap but really, after shelling out nearly $20K on a wedding, we are thinking cheaply now.
Where I am from, I had never even heard or or attended a wedding brunch. I thought it was something she made up.
We're not having one, we don't want one- we just want to relax and spend time with each other. I do NOT think its necessary and something you should only have if you want one. I agree with PP who say if she wants one, host it herself and you guys can stop by for a little while.
In my family we usually have a BBQ the day after...but since I did that the first time (the "starter" wedding) I am discontinuing the BBQ tradition. Instead I want a brunch time permitting. In your case like others have said don't stress, if it is so all important to your FMIL then she can host it. However IF she agrees to host it, I personally would not fight it, it is a couple hours of sharing your husband with family and it will mean alot to your FMIL. Always good to start on the best possible terms!
@AB Bride: My parents or relatives don't live in my area, so the only option is my house (not happening) or a restaurant. Also I have never been to a wedding where people actually give gifts, its always at the shower and then people give cards and checks or money at the actual wedding/reception. Might be a regional thing depending on where you are from.
Well that changes things. If your FMIL can't/won't have anything to do with planning the brunch than forget about it. You are under no obligation to do this. Just say you don't have the extra money, won't have time to get the house ready, whatever.
We had a brunch the next day and it was fantastic. It gave my DH and I time to talk with all of our guests that we didn't have time to really speak with during the wedding. Where I am from, brunches are very common and usually held at a family member's house. It is a great way to visit with guests who may be traveling in from out of town. Have you asked your FMIL to pay for the event? Or has she already told you she won't? Perhaps let her know that a brunch at a restaurant is ok, but she needs to pay for it.
@MDbride2011: Then just tell her (or have your fiance do it) that you cant afford and dont have time to plan a brunch. Leave it at that.
@MDbride2011: Day-after wedding brunches are pretty common, but LOL, I agree with your mom! Why pay for brunch if the hotel serves free breakfast!!!
I have a handful of OOT guests, but I'm probably not going to do a brunch for several reasons. The hotel that we're staying at also offers free breakfast, I'm sure quite a few people would prefer to sleep in the day after, we may be leaving for our honeymoon the day after the wedding (don't know what time), and I feel awkward about opening gifts in front of other people.
@eupenmalmody: I told her and my fiance that if she wants it to happen that she is going to have to pay the bill, unless of course she just wants to plan a brunch where people pay for themselves and she can just plan/make the reservation. Silence. She never answered the question which to me means that she doesn't want to do any work or pay for anything. She will mention things about the brunch though in the form of "so and so is asking about whether or not there will be a brunch..." My fiance has talked to his relatives and none of them have been asking, just her. My answer is always the same. It's like some people just ignore everything you say and only hear what they want to hear.
Thanks everyone for the advice so far! Its good to hear everyone's viewpoint :)
I would also like to add that I've never been invited to a wedding brunch or heard of anyone having one, and I've been to really fancy weddings, cheaper weddings, family weddings, and friend's weddings... so at least in my area (Chicago) its not that common.
I think its reasonable for you to expect to have some quiet time, especially after a stressful wedding weekend. I like the idea of just going someplace but then if you tell people to meet you there, they might get the impression that you are covering the bill. I know its common in some areas but I don't think a morning after brunch is a must have and if you don't want to do it, I think its totally fine.
We just do it as a chance to see the OOT people a little more. If it works out with your honeymoon plans, I would consider it (maybe not the brunch part!). If you know a friend or someone who lives in the area you could always see if they are willing. They are usually really informal.
Since it's your FMIL who really wants it, suggest a park to her and let her plan it!
The morning after brunch was surprisingly one of the first things we decided on, heehee. I went to one at my bff/MOH's wedding - it was just at her house and we all ate the tons of leftovers from her wedding banquet. It was nice because not everyone was invited and we all felt close and they got to enjoy the morning with their closest family and friends. We'll be doing ours at a restaurant that my family has gone to for years so the owners knows us all by name, and it's super cheap and delicious! I'm not sure we would do one if it wasn't so affordable. I certainly don't think everyone does it, or that it's mandatory in any way, or that people would think anything odd if you didn't have one (I'm in SF).
I second the PPs who say that you or your FI just need to tell your FMIL that you can't afford it but if she wants to host it (knowing she will say no), she can either have it at her house or a nearby restaurant.
I feel your pain! My FMIL not only wants to do a lunch/gift-opening at her house (an hour from the reception/hotel) she expects FI and I to go to church and breakfast the next morning to quote "celebrate Mother's and Father's Day". FI and I (especially me) do NOT want to do this. I told FI we can go to church Sunday night when we get home if we have to - but I fully plan on taking advantage of room service and the jacuzzi bathtub Sunday morning. Not sure how that's going to go down yet - we did get it changed from gifts to just lunch, partyly because my MOH (FMIL's neice) flat out told her that I didn't want to do it.
Have your FI tell your FMIL she can plan it if you want - you want to relax and have some quiet time. Maybe something like a lunch would work better if you feel you have to do something? but definitely if there is free breakfast - tell them to take advantage of that.
My sister did a brunch, but the wedding was a destination wedding basically (everyone was 1-3 hours away, some of us further, like myself). His parents paid for it though.
We've talked about hosting something at our house the day after, and my sister even offered to come over and help setup/cook. Not sure yet - considering all hotels have free breakfast here. With our wedding, my entire family is traveling from 3+ hours away, whereas FI's family is all 30mins to an hour, so his won't be staying at a hotel. I don't mind doing something at my house though, since it's a chance to see my family.
If people lived closer, I don't think I'd even consider it..
Our 'temp honeymoon' is going to be the week after, as our wedding is on a Sunday. We decided to just rent a beach house for a week since it's hurricane season. This way we can bring the furballs!
I'm with the OP - I had never heard of a day after brunch until coming to the bee. It's not common where I'm from (or at least in my circle) either.
This is defintely something that we don't do in our social circle either. However, I think its a great idea IF the couple chooses to do it or if the family hosts (and pays) for with a couples consent. You don't want to and shouldn't be bullied into it. Why should any couple have to negotiate privacy for the day after their wedding if they don't want to? Thats crazy.
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Ok, so my FMIL is a little too much to handle sometimes- she has good intentions but sometimes it is too much. She wants my fiance and I to HOST a brunch at OUR HOUSE the morning after the wedding. She is obsessed with the idea of having a brunch and I told my fiance there is NO freaking way I am going to plan another event or have people over at our house the next morning after a wedding day. I imagine giving people a tour and showing them our bedroom saying, "okay, so this is were we consumated our marriage last night" lol! He suggested having people get together at a local restaurant for brunch the next morning, which I feel is great and they can just get separate checks, etc because my family/my fiance and I have paid for everything and are not going to pay for everyone for an extra brunch too.
All of the rest aside, the problem I still have is that he thinks that we are going to go to the brunch the morning after and hang out with everyone. The reason I have a problem with it is that typically the bride and groom go away on a honeymoon immediately after and just because we are waiting a week or so doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some relaxing alone time with my new husband. My fiance doesn't get it - he is acting like its just any regular day through everything and doesn't understand why its an issue. Sorry if that sounds selfish but I literally have been breaking my back to plan this whole wedding with practically zero help from anyone and it is the morning after the wedding!! I kinda feel like everything I am doing is not enough, everything always has to be bigger and longer and greater. I have been extremely accomodating/calm and rationale with everything (bridesmaid dresses, flower girl dress drama (I bet you thought that wasn't possible), listening to people complain about having to drive 2.5 hrs away to the state where we live, family members wanting to give advice/their opinion about anything and everything we do but not wanting to help contribute, etc etc).
Is anyone else in a situation like this or feel this way? Am I out-of-line in any way here? I feel like this is all stupid drama which I hate and the reason I am having this big wedding/reception anyway is because my family wanted me to not because my fiance and I wanted to do all this.