(Closed) expedient engagement confusion argh!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Welcome to the Hive!

I understand your predicament.  Keep in mind that it’s all your choice, however, as to how to proceed.  Nobody is “forcing” the two of you to do what you’ve chosen to do.  So you have that element of freedom.  If what you want requires certain rules and restrictions – then that particular choice is out of your hands.  But that doesn’t change the fact that you can choose to not do it.

That said, haha, romance is what you make of it, as is everything in life.  Let go of your “boxed up” dreams and realize you can have the dream – and have it in your own unique way.  Life isn’t someone else’s fairy tale, life is individual and organic and endlessly creative.  MAKE this a beautiful, romantic thing, even though you have to follow some rules to get what you want.  You will still be getting what you want – your life spent with the man you love above everything.  It will be worth it.  🙂

Post # 5
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

All i can say is follow your heart. You will know if it feels right to do and if it doesnt you will definitely know. You will just know…if that makes any sense!

Post # 6
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The visa situation complicates things.  I have a couple friends that have come over/stayed in the US with the spouse visa.  The question I would ask if I were in your situation is ‘would I want to get married right now if we were never going to leave the country?’.  The spouse visa can put a lot more pressure on a marriage, so it’s just something to keep in mind.

Post # 8
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@charliesangel85:  Just as a heads up, be prepared for the potential months or years of interrogation about your relationship since there is a significant age difference.  One of my friends married a Brit – they’ve been together for more than 5 years and got married over a year ago now and they are still being questioned by immigration.  They both feel like their age difference (10 years) is contributing to the suspicion and questioning of whether or not it’s a ‘real’ marriage. 

It’s also a lot of pressure because there’s the knowledge that if things don’t work out, you’d be able to stay, but he might be forced to leave and go back with no job waiting.  I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but do your research first and truly understand what you’re jumping into.

Post # 10
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@charliesangel85:  Yep, she’s American, born & raised in California.  He was flying out to see her every few months when they were dating, and they eventually decided on him moving to the States.  Got married, got the visa, he found a job within 3 months, and he just got promoted.  Apparently the temporary visa was easy enough, it’s the permanent one that’s been giving them a headache.  It got to the point where I had to contact my ex husband to get the old wedding pictures because it showed them together, since they had to provide proof of how long they’d been dating. 

Post # 11
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Welcome to the boards!  i did want to ask a question – could you please give us a general answer as to what your PhD is in?  I don’t need to know the exact field, but am wondering if it is in the humanities or in STEM (science, technology or mathematics).  Are you planning on pursuing a career in academia?  Your field and long term career goals will affect your long term planning, so I wanted to be able to give your relevant advice.

Post # 13
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You might want to view the Chronicle of Higher Education’s forums (http://chronicle.com/forums/) , since academics discuss their lives and job prospects there.  What I’m sure you already know is that the job market in the humanities is generally quite poor, and that means the job market for academics is a national one.  Your FI is willing to move to America, but does that mean that he would be willing to move to a rural community in the midwest? Or when he pictures moving to America, is it to a big city or suburb?  Where are you willing to live?  What type of school do you want to teach at?  Do you picture yourself in a research institution, SLAC or community college?  These are big, difficult questions that you and your FI need to discuss ideally before you start your doctoral degree.  I knew a lot of people pursuing a doctorate in English Education who were threre for a few years before learning that only half of people pursuing English doctorates complete their disseration, and of those only half of those who complete will eventually find tenure track jobs.  Universities have discovered that they can pay part time (adjunct) professors $2,000-$3,000 per course, and that saves a ton of money than hiring full time faculty.  This article does a good job of explaining the life of adjunct professors:  http://archives.econ.utah.edu/archives/marxism/2002w30/msg00017.html

 

You can post to the Chronicle forums to see what the hiring situation is in your exact field, since some subfields have better odds than others.  And if you decide to go forward, you can chose a subspecialty that is more marketable.  But I would recommend that you do a lot of research before begining a doctorate in the humanities – especially one that isn’t fully funded (which I have no idea if your is or not)  Best of luck to you and your FI.

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