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Maybe you should suggest doing dates at home instead? That way you can still have the bonding but you don't have to pay for a meal out every week and when you cook at home there will be leftovers.
I think you should definitely suggest cheaper alternatives to the dinner dates rather than asking her to make them less frequent, since the latter can be easily misconstrued as you not wanting to see her anymore.
I think your idea of meeting at your house (or maybe taking turns between your house and hers) would be good. Or you could do cheaper outings like lunch or coffee or just drinks.
Just tell her what you told the hive. That you and your husband are trying to cut back and while you won't be able to go out weekly, you would love it if you two could meet up either at your place or her place for your weekly gabfest.
Why not suggest getting together for a cup of coffee at a coffee shop instead? That way you can still spend time with her, but you spend a lot less. It's not that you can't afford to spend time with her- spending time is free! You just can't afford the meals and drinks. I would highly recommend not cutting back to once a month to save money, that will come across as pretty hurtful. Just tell her you have to find a cheaper way to spend time together.
I think your suggestion of inviting her over for a weekly or bi-weekly dinner/wine evening is a good one. Let her know you really enjoy spending time with her but be honest about cutting back due to upcoming expenses. Could you downgrade dinner to happy hour where you have a cocktail once a week to save $ and still see each other weekly? I have monthly girls night with 4 other girls and we take turns hosting it at one of our apartments (wine and ordering pizza) or we meet up for a movie or a cocktail, never anything fancy but it's a great way to stay in touch and cost is minimal.
if it's not the time that's an issue, i agree with the other bees about choosing a less expensive outing. lunch, coffee, drinks, dinner at home, etc...
Tell her you're cutting back, but i also know it's no fun to turn down dinner to the point you miss out with your friend.
You could always do happy hours, split appetizers instead of full dinners, meet for coffee OR dessert, or go out to eat anyways and have a heavy snack before, then just get a side salad at the restaurant. I've done that many times.
why don't you guys just grab drinks (coffee or something) instead, you could do that inbetween meals.
Grabbing coffee would be difficult for us. We both work too far from each other to make that happen during the day, and usually after work, I'm pretty hungry (yeah, I'm one of those people that needs to eat RIGHT after work :) ). Unfortunately in Chicago, even grabbing one drink and an appetizer or two would still be oo much for a weekly thing.
I'm thinking I'm just going to be honest with her and explain that with my career change especially, I need to cut back, and suggest hosting dinner dates at home, and then go out once a week. I hope that by me offering to host, she'll see that I still care a ton about our meet-ups!
I think ejs4y8. Getting together at home may not feel the same, where you can see your pile of laundry and you have to clean up after yourself! Eat dinner before you go and have a drink and a side salad. Let her know you're cutting back but don't try to make her feel guilty so its awkward. You can have a drink and a salad or small appetizer for under $10 - that's cheaper than cooking at home and buying a bottle of wine!
@daniellebybelle: Yeah, unfortunately the price would be nowhere near $10 :( In Chicago, even if we go to a cheap bar, the salad alone would be at least $8 (yes, even for a small garden salad!). I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with this.
@daniellemybelle - yeah, I hate to say it, but I burst out laughing at that! I've been to places in the city where a drink alone was about $10, and an appetizer or salad would be another $8-$10, not including tip or tax or anything.
@MissChapstick - what about going to a place like Intelligentsia or Starbucks that has pastries, bagels, sandwiches, etc, about 1/2 of the time? It would cut down the cost and you could splurge a little more other times.
@lilyfaith: Ah! Someone who understands Chicago prices! We already go to a pretty cheap-ish bar anyway, and it's still $25 each time for a drink and an entree salad (including tip and everything).
I think I'll suggest a few different options to her, and explain it's important to me we still get together, but that I need to cut the cost down, and once a month, I'm totally okay with splurging on our usual.
I also hate how cheap I sound (OMG! $25!) But it totally adds up every month, and especially when you do the numbers for a year!
Haha, wow, I sound pretty podunk huh? I live in a college town and you can get a mixed drink for about $4 and a side salad for $4 or $5, so that's what I was going off. I interned in Chicago one summer so I know how expensive the city is, though I worked at a cafe in Wicker Park that was very reasonably priced. I'm with lilyfaith -- go to a cafe for coffee and pastries (I know you can do that for $10 in Chicago!) three times a month, and have dinner and drinks once a month.
Oh poopy on expensive cities. Do you have any little dessert/coffee shop type places that aren't necessarily restaurants??
Oh i definitely had sticker shock from college $2 beers to $8 drafts. Maybe $5 on a "happy hour" wednesday.
Maybe do 2 and 2--2 dinners out/month and 2 at home?
Ugh, i have the same problems in St. Louis. The places that offer good/healthy food are expensive. Even sushi is like a $25 meal out it seems.
I agree with the other bees. Having your friend over is a great alternative to going out and spending a ton of money of food and drinks. Another great alternative for me (for me and the boy but it can work great for friends) is to just get together and have a movie night at home. A movie rental can range from $1-$5 (depending on where you rent the movie. Try RedBox if you have a location near you. It's $1 a night!) That way you can talk and laugh over a chick flick with some popcorn and nachos :)
I really like the idea of sticking to a cafe and getting a cheap pastry for dessert or something. That way you can still eat dinner right after work--you'd just meet later. Like a PP said, it sucks when you're trying to relax with a friend but you're at home and you can see in your peripheral vision all the chores that need to be completed, and you had to do all the cooking yourself... I mean, I love to cook, but I still would not look forward to a meet-up nearly as much if I knew my weekly 'obligation' to cook for a friend was coming up.
And I am so jealous of everyone who lived in a college town where you only paid $2 for beer, $4 for a cocktail. I don't think I have EVER seen a mixed drink for $4. :O Going out in Philadelphia or New York (the cities where I spend most of my time) robs you blind.
ETA: just read the suggestion above my post. Renting a movie would be a really cost-efficient way of doing it and would remove the stress of having to cook an entire meal! You guys could get the basic Netflix account for $8.95/month and buy a bag of popcorn kernels and then pop 'em the old-fashioned way, in a pot/popcorn popper. Maybe even thrown in a bottle of wine.
I have hit this situation as well. I now suggest the places to go, such as a local cafe where we can grab a cup of coffee and hang out for a while. I think you just have to be honest with your friend and explain your situation she should understand or at least try to. Or how about meeting for a walk. We have a lake near myself so I suggest walks sometimes on nice days and that's free and healthy.
In regards to living in an expensive city, how about not going for drinks. I actually gave up drinking right now because since we are so tight on money it costs so much for drinks so I can save money and calories. Could you maybe also meet her later so you have time to go home and change and grab something to eat for yourself?
Yeah, I have the same problem in NYC. I only meet up with my Gf's once a month for dinner out and it's still around $100/person after we order wine, appetizers, entrees, etc. And gonig to a bar just for 1 drink and to split an appetizer is at least like $30/person after tax and tip and that's if you go somewhere cheap.
I think the important thing for you to communicate is that while you have to cut back monetarily, you don't want to cut back on the get-togethers with her. Tell her you still want to meet regularly, but it needs to maybe be at your apartments (you can take turns) during your fiscally conservative time frame.
A lot of the time it isn't spending the amount of $25...it's that you get a $10 martini and $10 side salad plus tip and that's it. you don't exactly get a lot of bang for your buck. I say invite your friend over, get a $8 bottle of wine ( like yellowtail or something) and make nachos or order pizza, wings whatever. I do this when I'm broke and it's so fun. and i love making nachos. just throw a bunch of crap on some corn chips stick it in the oven. MMMM. OR make a big yummy salad with avacados, strawberries and crumbled blue cheese. That is my other favorite snack with wine. Or eat both. God-I'm starving.
Thanks, everyone! I'm so glad I got so many responses.
For those who suggested the movie night, that really wouldn't work for us. We like to talk a lot :)
I'm still thinking about what to do, but I'm leaning toward one dinner out like usual a month, and then having her over at my house for dinner the other three. She's not really a cooking/hosting person, and I LOVE having people over, so it could work. And my husband and I love wine, and have bottles on hand all the time for when we have company. We're pretty good about noting brands that are cheap but good :)
I like the coffee shop idea, too (one with food options, anyway). Ahh, so much to think about!
How about just cutting the drink from your order? Then you can get an appetizer and still enjoy the time out (and eat) but cut your bill in half.
Ugh. I had a friend like that before. We aren't friends anymore! But there were other issues too. You just have to keep telling her and showing her until she hears and sees you! Tell her you have new financial goals and because of that you still want to get together, but need to do it low-key. Maybe you can take turns cooking, one week your house, one week hers? If she IS a friend, she will understand or at least accept it and go along. I wish you the best of luck! As someone who is spending 40-50% of her takehome on debt repayment, I understand your limitations. Plus I just joined weight watchers so it is better for me to eat at home. Hugs.
I totally feel you on this and count me into the expensive city dwellers. People SAY they understand - they might even think they do. Everyone keeps saying "we're all in same boat". People get snippy and think you're blowing them off but we've just been explaining how we're not really in the same situation but we'd still like to hang out, why don't you come over to our place?
To be honest - lately it's more fun to stay at home. You're more comfy & people relax more. Nights spent playing wii, drinking wine & trying out new recipes from cookbooks I've recently been gifted, or just making a girls wine, cheese & dessert night have been better than going out lately. :)
Just be careful with hosting - unless your friend contributes (e.g. brings dessert) it could end up costing you the same as going out! This depends on how you host I suppose but I know it's never that cheap for me because I like to have appetizers, drinks, a nice main and sweets afterwards. That can add up too! If she is a good friend she will understand - I know in our group when someone is needing to cut costs they always say so, and the rest of us get more creative with our get togethers.
I can totally relate to this! What we've started doing with my friends is a "Whiney-Wine" night, we all get together, one girl brings the wine, one brings the food (we can switch it up if someone has a new recipe or wine to try) and we eat at someones house or if it's nice at a park. We have wine then we whine about our lives, haha! We've actually looked into joining a wine of the month club because split between us it could save a lot of money for regular dates and then we could have better dinners. Usually we'll see what is on sale that week at the market and base it off of that! I really hope she understands, I'm sure if you explain that you're looking into a house that she will *hopefully* try. :)
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Ugh, so I'm like the absolute worst with confrontation. I absolutely hate it, and now I'm in a difficult position that involves me needing to cut back for financial reasons and needing to tell a friend that in order to do that, we need to cut back on our weekly meet-ups.
So, like I said, this friend and I have weekly meet-ups where we talk about work problems, life, etc. I always enjoy them, and while they're not super expensive because we take advantage of specials at the local bars, they add up to almost $100 a month (dinner and drinks). My husband and I are starting to save for a house, and I'm also making a career change in the next few months that will limit my income a LOT, and we decided to really start saving and cutting back like crazy. That also means I decided I need to tell my friend that our meet-ups need to be once a month, or she can come over to my place and I can cook and buy a bottle of wine or something once a week.
The problem is, this friend doesn't understand money troubles. She thinks she does, but she really doesn't. She's single, has a great, well-paying job and doesn't flinch spending a couple hundred on a pair of shoes (buying a house and settling down is also a foreign concept to her). What makes this even more difficult is that she initiated these meet-ups to stay better in touch because we're both really good friends that happen to have hectic schedules. I love the idea, but I just can't afford it right now!
How do I tell her this? I would love opinions on how to approach this with her. I'm just afraid it will come across like I don't value our friendship anymore or something.