- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
This may be a long one….sorry in advance!!
My mom is making my life a living hell. It started not 12 hours after I announced I was engaged. She was great for those first 12 hours, then she started with the emails. Aside from the 105 (I counted) emails I got listing everything I needed to get done immediately as well as who I was not allowed to tell in the family and what SHE would not allow in my wedding, I also found out through an email that was forwarded me that she sent an email to all of her friends and some of my family (including some that she told me I couldn’t invite!). In that email, she told them the date (that hadn’t actually been set), what we would send for our STD cards (which we wanted to be a surprise), what band we were looking for (we’re going with a DJ) and that my FI was a graphic designer by trade (he never was). She didn’t even send the email to me!! So, I get all of these emails and spend the first week engaged in tears. If I talk to my mom she starts rattling off “I want this”, “I won’t allow that,” “I need you to do this for me.” Finally, I talk to my dad and he gets her to back off, but now she won’t even read my emails! She says she does, but if I ask her about anything she can’t answer with any details and says she’ll have to look at it again…she really doesn’t remember. She also spends everyday telling me (for at least 30 minutes nonstop) about how hard she has it trying to help my grandpa with his house (she’s doing upgrades and spending his money on things he really doesn’t want or need). Now, I know she has a lot of really bad health problems going on and we’re both dealing with losing my grandmother (her mom) recently and that can interfere with her making much sense, but she’s gotten to the point where she’s sending me some nasty-gram at least once a week.
This week just put me over the edge. First, let me tell you about last weekend. I went to visit her and my grandpa – it was the first time I’d seen them since I’d been engaged. My mom doesn’t ask to see the ring until day 2 when she realizes it’s what is sparkling in the sun “oh yeah, I guess I need to see that”. Then, we go to visit other family members and they’re all saying “I know we aren’t supposed to congratulate you, but I’m so happy to hear you’re engaged!.” So, obviously I’m confused and ask why they aren’t supposed to be saying anything and my mother chimes in with “oh she has the ring now, you can go ahead.” What?! She’d been telling people that I was engaged for months before I actually was!!! Now people won’t even be happy for me because she has them so afraid to say anything! So, I try to mention a few things about the wedding during the weekend. I say I found a great rehearsal dinner venue that I like better than the original one I found and that if would be much more suited to my FI’s parents budget (they have only one income to support a daughter in grad school and an adult son with special needs), but she changes the subject and complains about how so very few of her friends will even be able to make it to the wedding (a common complaint of hers). Finally, I leave for home and then today she sends me a nasty-gram.
Today’s nasty-gram in summary–> My FI’s family is “imposing” too many guests on us and is taking up too much of the budget (they have 1/3 of the guest list and 5xs the family to invite – plus the wedding is in their state). I shouldn’t be calling her everyday and asking her for a recap of all she’s accomplished with my grandpa’s house (I don’t…I say “Hey, how’s it going today?” and she takes it from there). Money is VERY tight and she won’t be able to afford anything she’s used to (massuese at home, personal training, extended vacations etc) with all of the current expenses (excluding the wedding) for at least 2-4 years (did I mention my dad is the president of an international company making 6 figures? AND gets military retirement?. My original wedding budget is less than his annual bonus for pete’s sake!) She’s also VERY dissappointed that she’s not being asked her opinion on the wedding and that I’m not doing any of those traditional things she thought would be important. (She doesn’t respond to my wedding emails and never asked me once what I wanted for my wedding). She is also dreading meeting my FMIL and now doesn’t want to do so saying “I’m sure we’ll meet during the wedding”. She also said that my grandfather, when being asked if he needed church pictures for any grandkids or anything, said he didn’t have any grandkids (like me…the only grandkid) and when my mom reminded him of me, he said I wouldn’t want it. (Why would she pass something so hurtful on to me? He might have even been joking for all I know.)
I’m to the point where I don’t know what to do. Should I just say that we’ll pay for the wedding ourselves if money is such an issue? We would have to cancel our venue, planner and some other vendors if we did that, but we could do it. I don’t think money is actually an issue, but I’m afraid she’ll complain for the next 5 years about not having a massage at home every friggin’ week if I spend the wedding money. I know she’s jealous of my FMIL because, well, I get along with her and she’s worked in the wedding industry and is just really supportive. My mom’s afraid she’s being “replaced” but nothing I say will convince her otherwise. Plus, now my FMIL is so scared of upsetting my mom, she won’t help with the wedding plans at all! My dad doesn’t do much to help – he just says to ignore it, but this whole time I’ve felt like I’ve been all alone in planning everything. All of my bridesmaids are out of town. My parents live in CA, my grandpa in TN and I’m in OH. Aside from my FI, I don’t have anyone left to help with anything – no aunts/uncles or cousins exist for me and I JUST met my great-aunts for the first time this weekend! I’m just seriously depressed about everything. I want to be excited and happy, but I’m terrified my mom will ruin everything for me and continue sending me these nasty-grams.
Ok, I just needed to vent for a moment. It’s been a little overwhelming! Sorry about the long post!!