Post # 1
I am a fairly regular poster here.. and I have a huge dilemma. I love a man but I am not sure if I am in love with him. Over the past few months things have come out (secrets) we both had and they’ve been weighing on both of us.
I am getting more and more antsy about our impending wedding, our invites are out, I’ve had my shower.
I think I want to cancel the wedding, but I’m scared of the guilt and everyone getting mad at me.
We are probably going to lose $6000. Which would be better then spending 40,000 and getting divorced..
Am I just getting wretched cold feet or should I cancel.
I know most of you will say if your heart isn’t in it, cancel.. there is just a lot of baggage if I do. I mean I know I could live with him…he is a great man.
Post # 3
If you’re at all unsure, anything beyond the jitters, you should cancel or postpone. It sounds like you already know that’s what you should do. Don’t focus on the money–think of the ideal way to begin a marriage. Is this it?
Post # 4
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry.If some new secrets have surfaced that would make you doubt the future you planned with your fiancé, I would appreciate them. Dont ignore them. Maybe you can get through it, but please don’t ignore those nagging thoughts. What happened that is making you doubt now?
Post # 5
i think its easier and cheaper to get out of a engagement than a marriage and rarely do things improve only because you are married
is there someone you can speak to professionally? cancelling an engagement must be a difficult thing to deal with but there is worse so please dont feel you are trapped and have to go through with it if you dont want to – you always have options
Post # 6
You should at least postpone if you’re having doubts, and like eloping said, maybe you should get counselling!
The people you think you’d be letting down don’t have to live with your marriage… and if they love you, they won’t want you to enter something you’re not 100% about.
Post # 7
If you think canceling a wedding will cause baggage, i’m not sure why you think divorce won’t.
Post # 8
No counseling no insurance.
Because of our issues, he said if we cancel it’s most likely over. We’ve been planning for over 2 years now.
Divorce would cause a lot more damage..but I’m still unsure if it’s cold feet, or a true I don’t know about this. I second guess everything in my life to the point I make myself sick over things.
Post # 9
@Anon4321: Do you belong to a church? Maybe you could speak to your pastor?
Post # 10
since you’re anonymous, are the secrets of a certain nature?
i bet i or some of other the posters can recommend some helpful books or resources if we know a smidge more info.
i know that in my city there are some sliding scale counseling services. univeristies and internships have low cost options as well. i’ve found some where it was 15 bucks a visit in the past. couldn’t hurt to google to see if there are any options.
Post # 11
I don’t really have any advice, but I recently read this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594630143/ref=oh_details_o02_s00_i00
It was really helpful to me, and it had a lot of sections on cold feet and if the signs point more toward calling it off [and if you do, she recommends books to read to help with that situation].
Good luck, and remember you can always talk to us on here!
Post # 12
I agree with @flyingpiggy,it’s kinda hard to offer advice without knowing the nature of the big things you’re both dealing with. But like PPs have said – it would be an idea for both of to talk to someone (counsellor or a minister if you’re religious). And yeah – if it’s big enough to end things, better sooner than later.
Post # 13
So I can say that this is exactly how my FI felt at his last marriage. It lasted 11 months and his ex-wife and him amiciably decided to divorce. If anything, I’ve learned that if it doesn’t feel right, postpone or cancel. Not only will a divorce cost you money, but you have to split assets, you have to figure out taxes with their information as a married couple when you file, you will likely argue over furniture and big items you purchased together, and if the other person is not on board, it can go really bad fast. If you aren’t sure, postpone it, seek councilling, and see if you want to try again later.
Post # 14
We don’t argue a lot and I’m very open I’m unsure what counseling would do for us we talk about topics until they are beat into a bloody pulp. I refuse to talk to someone religious also because we have a lot of sexual issues.
Id rather not say what the secrets were because they are just fuel to the fire.
Post # 15
Cancel the wedding. I know it’s hard, but in addition to all the points that PPs have made about it being less painful to cancel a wedding than to divorce, look at it this way – I don’t think any of us would want to go into a wedding knowing that our bride or groom’s feelings were “I guess I could live with him/her” rather than “I am so thrilled to be marrying my love today.”
That’s not cold feet; that’s your heart and your mind telling you this is the wrong thing to do.
Post # 16
I would seek counseling for myself to see if I had any lingering baggage that is giving me cold feet before canceling the wedding. Sometimes in the midst of planning, you’re just so overwhelmed that the negative feelings just creep up/out. But if these secrets are big deals (i.e. cheating, addiction, etc) and you can not forgive him, I would cancel the wedding with no qualms about it.