(Closed) "F you B"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

HUGS! I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe he is having a bad day or woke up in a bad mood? Still no exuse for that language, but I have been known to wake up on the wrong side of bed on occasion and everything DH does just bug me…. 

Post # 4
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think that leaving necessarily wasn’t the right thing to do. Sometimes people need to breathe and think. the “right” thing to do isn’t always to just respond in the moment and fight it out.

its… Interesting that one silly thing like lunch escalated so easily to those words for him. in thw previous counseling have you guys discussed maybe him being depressed, or having some other issue that is making him be so short tempered and disrespectful? I understand not wanting to go if youre working so much but you probably already know that that one hour per week can save your marriage. 

Im not sure what you should go home and apologize FOR honestly. For leaving? Maybe. But I’d sort through your thoughts before you go home and then tell him you guys need to sit down and talk and discuss What is going on. You’re not a bitch you’re his wife and he needs to learn self control there. 

 

Post # 5
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

my parents have been married for 25 years. What your husband did was wrong and abusive and yes I agree that you guys need counseling. My parents during their 25 years of marriage had some pretty big blow outs and they say bad words but they say it out of anger. What your husband did and his reaction is unusual but everyone haa their moments. Hang in there. 

Post # 6
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Hate to be devil’s advocate but I can almost see his perspective. He wants to go out for lunch because he is hungry that moment and then you are in so little of a rush that you then need to go and take a shower… he didn’t need to use that kind of language to express his frustrations though.

I would give you both time to cool down and then go back and talk it through. You can always explain to him that if he gave you more notice about wanting to go out to lunch and didn’t expect you to be able to just get up and go then he wouldn’t be so frustrated that he felt the need to say those words. Maybe you could start by discussing how he feels you never initiate things and then move through the issues both of you had that day.

Post # 7
Member
7261 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think it’s okay for you to take some time to cool off. What he said definitely wasn’t acceptable. I know you’ve had problems since getting married, and I’m glad to hear that you guys have been getting counseling, but it definitely sounds like it’s time to go back. Eventually there has to be a time when you either see a change in him and your relationship, or you don’t…

Post # 8
Member
3112 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsBeck:  Honestly, I would have left too.  It sounds like he needed time to calm down and think about what just happened.  DH and I are going through issues too, and he also accused me of never initiating plans.  Which is kind of a dumb thing to fight over IMO, since I was a home body when he married me, and we do go out fairly often.  I think that your husband needs to go to counseling by himself before you go together.  That really sucks.  Stay strong.

Post # 9
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MrsBeck:  is there a reason for him to just go off like that for no reason? Maybe therea something going on and had that reaction?

Post # 10
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@MrsBeck:  Normally I’m not one to jump on the “you shouldn’t stay with him” bandwagon, but if someone ever said that to me (in those circumstances), it’d be the end of it. You didn’t do anything wrong, there was nothing that happened that warranted an argument… no way. I can’t even believe he just stared you in the eyes and said that, and just repeated it. Over nothing! There’s seriously something wrong with him. I’d be out of that place immediately. And no, I don’t think you should apologize, as you’ve done nothing wrong. 

 

Post # 12
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t know for sure that I would call this “abusive” behavior but I do know that you guys are not fighting fair, and you’re not communicating properly. This is what you should be talking to your counselor about.   It takes work on both sides to make sure the messages (both verbal and physical) you are sending and recieving are clear and easy to understand, and that you are more tuned in to what each other’s message style is.  You might take your not having had a shower yet as the de facto message that “you need to let me know a few minutes before you want to leave, so I can get ready” where he might take the same as your saying “We will only go when I want to go.”  The message is getting lost in translation. You need to get on the same wavelength and not be afraid to ask when it’s not clear. Something as simple as him mentioning lunch and you replying with “I can be ready in 15 minutes; did you have somewhere in mind or shall i pick?” would prevent the whole drama.

 

Post # 13
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

*Playing devil’s advocate*

People can say really stupid things when they are hungry. I know I can be a suuuuper irratible bitch when I get really hungry, although, I don’t think I would ever say “F you” or call my FH a name. Maybe he felt like you were patronizing him by getting in the shower or taking your time to get ready? I’m not saying you did, because you said you got up after a minute.. but who knows. It kind of made me think of one of those Snickers commericals where the dudes are being a diva bc they’re hungry.

*Actual advice*

First, I think it’s good you left and removed yourself from the situation, bc that’s usually how things escalate further. I think you did the right thing there.

After you both have calmed down (and eaten lunch), ask him to explain what his intentions were for saying that. Did he do it to conciously hurt you? Or was it just because he was frustrated and didn’t mean the words? What can he do next time to avoid directing his anger about a situation on you? Why did things escalate so quickly? What is actually going on with him? Is it something going on with him (stress at work? hypoglycemina?) or is there really a problem in your relationship?

((Hugs))

 

Post # 14
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I must be missing something.  How long did it take you to take get ready?  If you knew he was hungry, that could have waited if you were just going to pop out for a quick bite.  Still, his cussing at you was not okay.  I probably would have just told him to go on without you, that you still needed to get dressed, etc.

ETA:  just saw your update.  Still think you could have skipped the shower, as you had already been up for a while.  It’s not like you were filthy and had just come in from a run.

Post # 15
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsBeck:  I find that even with my FI that even though I think there is no way he doesn’t understand how I operate he still just doesn’t get it. It really seems like a big pile of assumptions that resulted in miscommunication – he thought you were ready to go when you thought he should’ve known you needed to take about 10 minutes to shower.

I’ve had the same problems with FI where he expects me to adapt to new plans within moments – it took a lot of discussions about how I need so many minutes/hours notice to go out and do something just because he suddenly wants to do it.

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