Post # 1
That’s what my husband just said to me. Except he didn’t just use letters, he of course said the full words.
We have had some pretty bad issues in the past. We went into counseling and seemed to work through everything. Honestly, things have been pretty good lately and then today happened…
I was sitting on the couch just watching TV and surfing the bee. He sat down and said we should go eat lunch somewhere. I said okay and finished up what I was doing. I shut my computer and see him just staring at me. Then he said “you never initiate anything. I always need to lead the way when we eat on the weekends. If I didn’t get up and go and would never do anything.” I was kind of confused because this simply isn’t true. I initiate plans on the weekend and sometimes I’m the one trying to get him off the couch. I told him this and he asked why I didn’t get up to get ready right away. I replied by telling him that I didn’t feel the need to jump up immediately and get dressed just because he said he was hungry (please note that I stood up less than a minute after he said he was hungry).
I left it at that and went to take a shower. I heard him come in, mutter something and then slam the door. I finish up and get dressed and find him still wearing his pajamas. I ask why he slammed the door and he went into a rant about being hungry and wanting to leave immediately. I told him again that I’m not going to jump when he snaps his fingers and wants something- that’s not the way it works.
At this point he looked straight at me and said “f*ck you b*tch.” I said “excuse me?” And he repeated himself. He’s called me this before and said f*ck you to me. I’ve always expressed that this is not okay and we talked about appropriate things to say when fighting during counseling.
I calmly collected my purse and jacket and left. I’ve never done that before but I just couldn’t be around him. So now, I’m in my favorite bookstore and I’m just sitting in their cafe shocked.
I’m not ready to give up and divorce him but at the same time I just can’t picture myself going back to the apartment right now. I’m just shocked that he stared me in my eyes and said that. And then repeated it. Especially over something so small and stupid.
I guess we need to go back to our counselor which is going to be tough as I’m working 12 hour days right now. I just wish things weren’t this hard. He just isn’t the same person I fell in love with. I can’t imagine that guy ever saying anything like this. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. I keep thinking back to our conversation and trying to figure out what I did or said that made me deserve this.
I know I shouldn’t have left. I know that wasn’t the right thing to do. But what do I do now? Stay here a bit to let things cool down? Go home immediately and apologize? I feel like if I talk to him right now I would blow up because I’m just so angry.
Post # 3
HUGS! I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe he is having a bad day or woke up in a bad mood? Still no exuse for that language, but I have been known to wake up on the wrong side of bed on occasion and everything DH does just bug me….
Post # 4
I don’t think that leaving necessarily wasn’t the right thing to do. Sometimes people need to breathe and think. the “right” thing to do isn’t always to just respond in the moment and fight it out.
its… Interesting that one silly thing like lunch escalated so easily to those words for him. in thw previous counseling have you guys discussed maybe him being depressed, or having some other issue that is making him be so short tempered and disrespectful? I understand not wanting to go if youre working so much but you probably already know that that one hour per week can save your marriage.
Im not sure what you should go home and apologize FOR honestly. For leaving? Maybe. But I’d sort through your thoughts before you go home and then tell him you guys need to sit down and talk and discuss What is going on. You’re not a bitch you’re his wife and he needs to learn self control there.
Post # 5
my parents have been married for 25 years. What your husband did was wrong and abusive and yes I agree that you guys need counseling. My parents during their 25 years of marriage had some pretty big blow outs and they say bad words but they say it out of anger. What your husband did and his reaction is unusual but everyone haa their moments. Hang in there.
Post # 6
Hate to be devil’s advocate but I can almost see his perspective. He wants to go out for lunch because he is hungry that moment and then you are in so little of a rush that you then need to go and take a shower… he didn’t need to use that kind of language to express his frustrations though.
I would give you both time to cool down and then go back and talk it through. You can always explain to him that if he gave you more notice about wanting to go out to lunch and didn’t expect you to be able to just get up and go then he wouldn’t be so frustrated that he felt the need to say those words. Maybe you could start by discussing how he feels you never initiate things and then move through the issues both of you had that day.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think it’s okay for you to take some time to cool off. What he said definitely wasn’t acceptable. I know you’ve had problems since getting married, and I’m glad to hear that you guys have been getting counseling, but it definitely sounds like it’s time to go back. Eventually there has to be a time when you either see a change in him and your relationship, or you don’t…
Post # 8
@MrsBeck: Honestly, I would have left too. It sounds like he needed time to calm down and think about what just happened. DH and I are going through issues too, and he also accused me of never initiating plans. Which is kind of a dumb thing to fight over IMO, since I was a home body when he married me, and we do go out fairly often. I think that your husband needs to go to counseling by himself before you go together. That really sucks. Stay strong.
Post # 9
@MrsBeck: is there a reason for him to just go off like that for no reason? Maybe therea something going on and had that reaction?
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@MrsBeck: Normally I’m not one to jump on the “you shouldn’t stay with him” bandwagon, but if someone ever said that to me (in those circumstances), it’d be the end of it. You didn’t do anything wrong, there was nothing that happened that warranted an argument… no way. I can’t even believe he just stared you in the eyes and said that, and just repeated it. Over nothing! There’s seriously something wrong with him. I’d be out of that place immediately. And no, I don’t think you should apologize, as you’ve done nothing wrong.
Post # 11
@SweetartMD: thank you. It’s silly how much better internet hugs actually make me feel.
@MsJ2theZ: that’s why I left- I knew if I didn’t that it would turn ugly fast. If I tried to retreat to the bedroom I know he would have followed me.
We briefly discussed his temper and I think there are things that happened in his childhood that certainly affects how he is today.
I know one hour a week is worth it to save our marriage and I know I will end up doing it but thinking about adding one more thing to an already busy week just stresses me out.
@Ap2010: thank you for sharing. We’ve had big blow outs in The past where he has said hurtful things but this seemed like such a small issue. I wouldn’t have even called it a fight before he said this so I was just shocked.
@JessicaJupiter: I’m not comfortable going out with greasy hair and smelling like the bar from the night before and he knows that. He knows I always shower after waking up before we go anywhere so it wasn’t really a surprise. Please note that I was showered and ready in under 10 minutes. It’s not like I spent half an hour doing my hair.
I also don’t think I should instantly be ready to go to lunch just because he says he’s hungry- which is what I told him. I think you’re right about how we should start the discussion- I was very surprised that he felt that way and I’m curious to know more about why he does.
Post # 12
I don’t know for sure that I would call this “abusive” behavior but I do know that you guys are not fighting fair, and you’re not communicating properly. This is what you should be talking to your counselor about. It takes work on both sides to make sure the messages (both verbal and physical) you are sending and recieving are clear and easy to understand, and that you are more tuned in to what each other’s message style is. You might take your not having had a shower yet as the de facto message that “you need to let me know a few minutes before you want to leave, so I can get ready” where he might take the same as your saying “We will only go when I want to go.” The message is getting lost in translation. You need to get on the same wavelength and not be afraid to ask when it’s not clear. Something as simple as him mentioning lunch and you replying with “I can be ready in 15 minutes; did you have somewhere in mind or shall i pick?” would prevent the whole drama.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
*Playing devil’s advocate*
People can say really stupid things when they are hungry. I know I can be a suuuuper irratible bitch when I get really hungry, although, I don’t think I would ever say “F you” or call my FH a name. Maybe he felt like you were patronizing him by getting in the shower or taking your time to get ready? I’m not saying you did, because you said you got up after a minute.. but who knows. It kind of made me think of one of those Snickers commericals where the dudes are being a diva bc they’re hungry.
First, I think it’s good you left and removed yourself from the situation, bc that’s usually how things escalate further. I think you did the right thing there.
After you both have calmed down (and eaten lunch), ask him to explain what his intentions were for saying that. Did he do it to conciously hurt you? Or was it just because he was frustrated and didn’t mean the words? What can he do next time to avoid directing his anger about a situation on you? Why did things escalate so quickly? What is actually going on with him? Is it something going on with him (stress at work? hypoglycemina?) or is there really a problem in your relationship?
Post # 14
I must be missing something. How long did it take you to take get ready? If you knew he was hungry, that could have waited if you were just going to pop out for a quick bite. Still, his cussing at you was not okay. I probably would have just told him to go on without you, that you still needed to get dressed, etc.
ETA: just saw your update. Still think you could have skipped the shower, as you had already been up for a while. It’s not like you were filthy and had just come in from a run.
Post # 15
@MrsBeck: I find that even with my FI that even though I think there is no way he doesn’t understand how I operate he still just doesn’t get it. It really seems like a big pile of assumptions that resulted in miscommunication – he thought you were ready to go when you thought he should’ve known you needed to take about 10 minutes to shower.
I’ve had the same problems with FI where he expects me to adapt to new plans within moments – it took a lot of discussions about how I need so many minutes/hours notice to go out and do something just because he suddenly wants to do it.
Post # 16
@Cory_loves_this_girl: we were doing so well communicating that this was just a huge shock. I’m willing to go back and hopefully like you said I’ll be able to leave if I don’t see a change.
@ceebree: I was also a home body before we met and it’s something we discussed in counseling. I was very surprised to hear him say that because I actually initiated the plans we had last night and set up dinner with our friends tonight so I feel as though I’ve been way better about initiating stuff. In the past he has always refused individual counseling for himself. I will be bringing it up again to him and to our counselor.
@graygodess20: I know he’s probably tired. We got home very late last night.I know he is also stressed because he’s trying to get everything ready for a business trip next week (that he just found out about). Even if he is stressed and tired it’s disappointing that he reacted like this.
@mrspinesol: I think I’m still in shock that he said it. I haven’t even fully processed it. I know that his parents spoke to him like this so he doesn’t think it’s a big deal but I have told him over and over that it’s not okay. And he has been so much better about communicating appropriately when he’s angry. I’m going to do as a PP suggested and bring up individual counseling again.