(Closed) Facebook Conundrum

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldnt even bother adding him and ignore the friend request. Why stir the pot for no reason?

Post # 4
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly I wouldn’t worry too much over what is considered “rude” on Facebook so if you want to deny or ignore the request, don’t let manners stop you. It is, after all, Facebook.  If you are considering accepting the request I would casually mention it to your SO, along the lines of “Wow, that’s a blast from the past, remember Fred, the guy I dated ages ago? Well he just popped up on my facebook!” and see what his reaction is. If you don’t make a big deal of it, chances are your SO will not make a big deal of it either.

Post # 6
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Honestly, do you actually want to be Fcebook friends with him? If you feel obligated to add him because he asked you to, don’t. It’s so silly to be Facebook friends with people who have no role in your normal life, and it’s not rude to adhere to a normal standard of friendship at all. If you really do want a friendship with him, I wouldn’t mention it to your guy, but absolutely don’t try to hide it. If he asks, just answer honestly what you were thinking when you added him. 

Post # 7
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’d just ignore the request.

My friend accidentally friended her ex while facebook stalking him the other week and he accepted. She’s now debating when she can politely de-friend him again haha.

Post # 8
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think talking to your boyfriend about it first is unnecessary.  It makes it seem like a bigger deal than it is.  Just do what you prefer.  And if you want to set controls so that it won’t appear on your feed, that’s not a big deal either.  I’ve done that when friending people just because I don’t want to deal with other people’s comments.  It’s just Facebook; it’s not real 🙂

Post # 9
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

In my opinion, if you’re concerned enough to ask, you shouldn’t do it.

Post # 10
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you want it to be, it’s an opportunity to talk to your boyfriend about whether or not you two want to have any sort of policy on FB friending, and in general being friends with, exes. Do what you want to with this particular case, of course, but this might be a good time to find out if your boyfriend is unnecessarily jealous, a little jealous, totally not jeaous – and if he’s friends with his exes (which I think can be really healthy).

Post # 11
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@fishbone:  Agree completely!

You need to first decide if you actually want to be fb friends with him. If you decide you want to be than I think causually bringing it up is the way to go.

Post # 12
Member
3472 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

From my perspective, I’d like to comment on a few of the points you brought up:

We have been broken up for 5 years, had very little contact throughout that time, and I was the one who defriended him… because I felt it was the healthiest thing for both of us. 

If staying apart was healthiest then, it’s probably still true. Your feelings are gone, and his probably are too– but why borrow trouble if they’re not. 

 

The only reason I am hesitant to add him is that I do not want to needlessly anger or worry my boyfriend… I think it would anger me to feel as though I have to “ask permission” to do soemthing… I am really tempted to just make my friends list private and add him in order to avoid any confrontation… My boyfriend is not the jealous type…

Only you can say if this is a legitimate concern or not, but I will say this– if you’re having trouble talking to him about something that you feel is superficial, would you be able to talk about something more serious? How much “confrontation” are you expecting? IMO, openess and honesty are the best policy, if you think it’s something that might bother him– tell him about it, and explain that you’re bringing it up in the spirit of full disclosure; but just a bit of food-for-thought, what would your reaction be if your boyfriend told you he wasn’t comofrtable with it?

 

I have told him my philosophy that once I break up with someone I cut all contact.

What’s changed your mind? Either you cut all contact or you don’t, but if you’re going to state that it’s your philosophy you should consider sticking to it even now. 

 

It’s really not that I want or need to be in contact with him, I just feel as though so much time has gone by, why not?

The reason why not is all of the things you’re worried about now– is it worth the potential effects on your current relationship for something that you’re not all that invested in?

 

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Personally– if it were me, I would ignore the request all together, I don’t feel the need to stay in contact with any of my ex’s and I don’t particularly want any of them seeking me out, I am happy with my life as it is now, and I don’t feel the need to open those old doors, no matter how long those feelings have been dead. 

Post # 13
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ignore the request…I see nothing good coming of this and if he is not currently a value-add in your life I would see no reason to be FB friends with him.

Post # 14
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was in the same situation not too long ago.  I came right out and asked my FI how he would feel if I accepted the request.  I love my FI more than anything and I figured enough time had passed so I could be friends with him again.  FI is definitely not the jealous type but he told me he didn’t think it was a good idea, and I agreed.  He is an ex-boyfriend for a reason, also since we probably won’t be hanging out in person there is no reason for us to be friends on Facebook. 

Post # 15
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If you want to accept the friend request, tell your boyfriend, “So and so friend requested me on facebook today so I added him. Just thought you should now.” Or something else to the effect of not making it a big deal. I really think hiding your friend list or hiding it from him is a little over the top. And if you’re that worried about how it will be perceived then just don’t accept and move on. 

Post # 16
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I would definitely ignore the request. The person is your ex for a reason– no need to waste your time and energy on someone who you ended up not getting along with & haven’t been in touch with for a long time. And also, if you are worried about what your boyfriend will think, definitely don’t add the ex as a friend– your worry shows that you do feel like it’s not the right thing to do deep down.

I’m in favor of exes being exes, who are in the past and stay there. 🙂

 

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