Post # 1
Last night while at work (1am) my husband became facebook friends with an ex (girl prior to me).
I am upset and didn’t sleep well. The dated for over 2 years and he did not want to marry her. They broke up about 6 months before we started dating, and when we meet she already had a boyfiend. She is now engaged to this boyfriend and getting married next year. I trust my husband but I think the reason I am very upset is that he hates her. He is always saying how she made his life miserable and he is so happy they broke up. I am also upset because when we were dating and engaged I would get a text saying “I love you and good night” but now I get nothing and he is using this break time to accept friend request on facebook.
How bad would it be of me to ask why the became friends after almost 4 years of not dating? I don’t want to come off as immature/jealous but it is bothering me and I need to address it.
Post # 3
@loveus: I can tell you right now, this question is going to get you flamed. Be prepared to be called jealous/controlling/etc.
I, however, feel that as a wife you are entitled to ask whatever you want. If it bugs you, you should tell him.
Post # 4
I like to pretend my exes died…
I do not care what they are doing in their lives and I certainly don’t want them to know what I am doing in mine. One tried to friend my on Facebook a while after the breakup and I just deleted it.
Maybe she sent the request and your FI is the kind of person who feels bad denying them? I don’t think there is anything wrong with you asking why.
Post # 5
@badabing88: I figured. Thanks for the heads up.
BTW- We are both friends with exes and have even meet them.
Post # 7
@loveus: Two things..
First the text issue:
Those things change with time. My FI and I used to do a lot of things we don’t do anymore and we do a lot of things now we didn’t do before. If it bothers you that he doesn’t text you goodnight anymore, that’s something you should bring up separately and have nothing to do with the facebook issue – do NOT bring them up together, just say, “I miss when you used to text me goodnight. How come you don’t do it anymore?” Maybe there’s a reason, he thinks you’re already asleep by the time he remembers or whatever.
Second the fb issue:
I am not friends with one of my exes. He hurt me really bad and we don’t speak and we’re not FB friends. I really badly want to add him on FB just to see what he’s up to because I’m curious. I won’t do it bc I don’t want to be the one to friend request him and have him think there’s some sort of reason other than curiosity and because I don’t want to potentially hurt my FI. The point is, there could be a very innocent reason why he accepted the FB request – he probably didn’t think twice about it, thinks there’s no reason not to bc you two trust each other, didn’t want to stir up any trouble, wanted to see what she was up to out of pure curiosity, etc. If it bothers you that he is fb friends with this girl, just – calm down first and take a deep breath – then ask him why they’re friends on fb now, “I thought you hated her?” and if his answer makes you uncomfortable, ask him to remove her. She’s not ACTUALLY a friend, so asking him to remove her from FB really shouldn’t be a big deal and I don’t see it as controlling – it makes you uncomfortable and if he has no legit reason for doing it, then your uncomfortableness should trump it.
Post # 8
@loveus: Just ask him as nicely as possible and don’t be accusatory about it. I don’t see what the big deal is personally. I dared my husband to friend his ex and we bet $ on if she would accept or not. Everyone gets curious about their exes now and again, no harm being curious and wanting to see what they’re up to.
Post # 9
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends or FB friends with EXs. However, it does seem kind of random that he just now, many years and much hate later, accepted for friend request. I don’t think it would be controlling or jealous of you to ask. I’d be curious too! You just have to be careful in how you phrase the question. I’d say, “Hey H, I noticed you became friends with EX on FB. I thought you hated her?”
Odds are you are reading way too much into it, but I don’t think it’d hurt to ask.
Post # 10
If it’s going to bother you, just ask him. just say ‘hey, I noticed you and ex became fb friends. what’s that about?’
As for the texting at night, just tell him you miss seeing those goodnight messages from him.
Post # 11
I do think it’s kind of controlling, but I would be curious too! It’s your husband, ask what you want. Maybe he doesn’t hate her anymore, it’s ok to do that.
I do think you should mention to him the lack of texting etc. Maybe he’ll get back on the horse if you say something about it.
Post # 12
I am only friends with 2 ‘exes’ (I couldn’t even really call them that…ifyouknowwhatimean) on my FB. FI was not FB friends with any exes except 2(again, the term ex is used loosely here) when we got together, but he unfriended both of them, because he knew it made me uncomfortable (and also the fact they were/are both miserable nosy b*tches didn’t help, either).
I’d be bugged, honestly. I think you have every right to ask him what’s up with it.
Post # 13
I have discussed with my husband all the little things he used to do and no longer does. I was discussing this with my sister and there is a difference between a boyfriend, fiance and husband.
Post # 14
Just because they are facebook friends doesnt mean they actually talk. I am friends with my exes on facebook and never talk to them. I do look at their profiles every now and then to see what they are up to. This is so NOT a big deal.
If hes not texting you during his break – why dont you just text him? Take action instead of just blaming him for something little he doesnt do anymore. He probably has no idea you even miss it…he is a guy after all.
Post # 15
@loveus: I’d also like to add that, given the fact that he used to hate her, this would bug me. I’m cool with being FB friends with exes, but it definitely depends on the circumstances. He’s friends with a couple girls he dated back in highschool (over 20 years ago). Doesnt bother me. However, there are 2 that would bother me:
Contestant #1 was Facebook friends with BOTH of us when we first starting dating, as we hung out with the same group and she was trying to be our best friends. Odd, but whatever. She ended up blocking us when some not-so-nice texts she sent about me were forwarded to us and she found out.
#2 he simply unfriended when they split, but she eventually had to be blocked by both of us; as she used my FB to find where I worked and show up and bother me…almost 2 years later.
So yeah, if either of those girls suddenly turned up on his friends list, I’d be asking questions.
Post # 16
@pixiecat: I like to pretend my exes died…
I have the same approach.
@loveus: I am glad you talked to him. I don’t see anything too unreasonable in your request but that doesn’t mean he has to do as you want. As long as you understand that it is his choice.
I was FB friends with an ex and it turned out oh so badly. He ended up sending me really inappropriate messages and eventually declared his feelings for me via FB message while he was in the hospital waiting for his daughter to be born. Ugh, so gross! I learned my lesson.