Post # 1
We are totally heartbroken. We miscarried at 6 weeks this past weekend and I am still in a bit of physical pain and a huge amount of emotional pain. Our immediate families are aware and are totally devastated except for my sister in law. She questioned if I was really pregnant and then said “oh, that sucks”. No sympathy whatsoever.
I have to attend a big party with my husbands family this weekend and dont know how I will survive without crying. I especially dont know how to deal with my sister in law. Any words of advice?
Post # 2
Do you really have to go? If you don’t think you can get through it, don’t force yourself.
And I’m so sorry 🙁
Post # 3
It’s totally ok to take a break from family events for awhile. It was hard for me, we had told our families too, and everyone was very sympathetic but even still, the looks of pity were too much for me to handle at first. I’m sorry your SIL is being so cold about it, people that haven’t gone through it have no idea what it’s like.
Post # 4
Take care of yourself– let everyone else deal with their feelings, and if you can’t be there or if you can only be there a short period of time, they’ll understand. Don’t worry about anyone other than you and your husband.
Post # 5
Bostongrl25: I am so sorry. That is heartbreaking. I second PP…do you really have to go to this? Can you and DH just stay home and get some much needed rest and alone time? I don’t think anyone would blame you for needing to stay home.
Oh…and your SIL sounds lovely. I’m sorry you have to deal with someone like that at such a hard time.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You’ll be in my thoughts.
You don’t have to attend the party. Sit this one out and let your husband attend solo if he is needed there. There is no reason for you to put yourself in this situation if you do not feel emotionally ready to handle it. His family who know about the situation will understand. Your SIL can say/do what she wants, but she will absolutely look like a fool if she acts unsympathetic in front of others. If any extended family ask, your husband can give a little white lie of saying that you’re feeling under the weather that day.
Post # 8
Thanks all. Unfortunetly, we do have to go this weekend. My husband has a close family member that is not in great health and we need/want to spend time with him.
For some reason my SIL’s reaction is bothering me more than it should. Our hearts are broken and we have cried non-stop for 3 days, so I shouldnt even care how she reacted. But I do.
Post # 9
Bostongrl25: So so sorry for your loss….
I had a MC at 6 wks in April. 10 days later we spent time with my in-laws and had a family wedding to attend. I was doing fairly ok phisically, but was still an emotional disaster. I sat in the wedding and part of the reception but went and sat in our car later because I couldnt handle being around all the people. It felt a little rude, but I did what I had to.
Take good care of yourself. If you need to go to the party thats fine, but step away from the crowd if you need to, or leave early. They might not understand, but thats ok.
Sorry about your SIL. I have a lovely one too. Its shocking how rude people can be, especially those that have never gone through something like this. Hopefully things will get better.
Post # 10
Bostongrl25: Wow, that’s so heartbreaking. I am appalled at your SIL’s reaction as well and would feel the same way you do. You’re understandably hyper sensitive right now so of course it’s going to bother you. ANY little thing will bother you when you are this upset about something.
As an outsider looking in, it crosses my mind that maybe it’s coming from a place that’s about her and not about you. Meaning, maybe she is stuggling with reproductive related issues herself that she hasn’t shared, and it’s causing her to lash out a bit and act insensitively? Maybe something else bad happened in her life? Not that that would be an excuse or make it acceptable — I just mention it to maybe give you perspective it’s not just her being an insensitive bitch in total disregard of your feelings. Maybe it’s her stuff.
As for the event, I was going to suggest opting out as well but if you have to go, I would suggest planning responses to questions ahead of time and sticking to a script as much as you can so you don’t have to tap into your emotions or even thoughts on the matter too much while in public. For example, FIL: “Heeeeey, how ARE youuu?” in sympathetic voice. You: “Doing ok. Glad to be here for [ailing relative]…” Plan out simple, benign responses to whatever greeting or questions you think you’ll get followed by a subject change. Also, agree with your H on a time to leave and head out early.
I will also say though that now that you know at least one person in the family has the capacity to act completely insensitively about this, I would definitely not share pregnancy news until the second trimester in the future.
So sorry you are going through this.
Post # 11
polyblonde: Thanks for your kind words. My SIL has been very open that she wont be trying for a baby until next year, so I dont think its anything like that. I think it’s just her being her, and I need to just accept that. As for the pregnancy, we hadnt shared with anyone that we were expecting. We shared the miscarriage with our parents and siblings only because we were hurting so badly and needed their support. They have all been wonderful except for SIL.
Thanks all, I really do appreciate the support.
Post # 12
My guess for you SIL would be that it’s jealousy… Even if she’s not planning to try for a year, she might internally be jealous that you’ll be giving a grandchild before she will, or that you’re ready before she is… In which case, she probably knows in her heart that she’s not being as supportive as she should, but just isn’t capable.
If it’s her being her, that sucks. If she’s being purposely bitchy that crappy. Or if she’s just not as socially aware as others, well… chalk it up to her not totally getting it.
I think our society always puts that idea out there that the first 3 months are touchy, whether they are or aren’t – so maybe she thinks that the odds of a miscarriage are really high and therefore doesn’t feel sympathetic. Especially if she’s younger or hasn’t had many friends have children, she may not realize how attached women become so early on in pregnancy. (I’m not justifying, just trying to suggest possibilities)
Ultimately, if you have to see her and she’s not giving the reaction you’re wanting/needing, just excuse yourself and tell her you need to leave the room or something… she’ll get the hint that she’s upset you.
Post # 13
I hope my comment didn’t come across as me justifying her… I am just trying to suggest possible explanations for her behaviour.
I’ve only had one friend who lost a baby at 8weeks and I know she was beside herself for a while. She’s since had 4 beautiful babies, but she was heart broken and still remembers the first.
I won’t be trying for a baby until next year but I can only imagine how emotional and hard it must be for you. I’m glad that you have a husband who was as emotionally invested as you and understands your emotions. I read many stories on here about husbands who don’t get it…
Post # 14
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. What I’d be inclined to do – hard as it is – is put your SIL’s reaction down to a totally clumsy response to a situation she doesn’t know how to handle,quite possibly because she’s never had to. I’m not excusing what she’s said of course, but some people just aren’t good at naturally saying the right thing at difficult times.
I’m very glad that you’ve had a really supportive reaction from the rest of the family and I’d try and concentrate on their support rather than dwell on what your SIL said. Admittedly, this may be difficult but ultimately, it’ll be much better if you can. If she offers up another tactless comment than be absolutely honest with her and say that if she can’t be supportive you’d prefer her to say nothing.
Post # 15
Bostongrl25: I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure that most of the family probably won’t say anything other than a simple “are you ok?” or “how are you doing?” since they’ve already given their condolences. As for your SIL, I’m betting she just doesn’t deal with those kinds of situations well. Some people don’t show emotions and she probably just felt awkward and didn’t really know what to say.
MrsPhilly: I doubt she’s jealous. Just because someone doesn’t give the reaction you would expect doesn’t automatically mean they’re jealous. I’ve never understood why people are so easy to jump on the “she’s just jealous” train. She probably just doesn’t handle awkward, emotional situations and let’s face it, having someone tell you they just had a miscarriage would make plenty of people feel awkward because it’s such a personal and emotionally situation.