- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I just need a total vent space and while I want it to be private enough to not be shared with those around me, it may be nice for someone to see and relate or comment so I’m posting it here.
I am just beyond overwhelmed — in addition to saving for, paying for, and planning our DIY out-of-state wedding (May 2014), I am also working on finishing up my M.Ed. and writing my thesis, taking a class which requires providing weekly ESL tutoring, and I work in higher education in an office which is very high stress with aggressive personalities which are even worse than normal right now due to a recent restructuring. Due to this restructuring I am now job-seeking and interviewing, which takes a lot of preparation and comes with a lot of stress.
Professionally, I am good at what I do but I’m sick of every day being a fight in the office. Everyone is so negative and I just cannot take it anymore. If it were not for my students I probably would have quit already but I mainly am interested in making sure their transition is successful.
On the job search front, I am well qualified for a position I am interviewing for on Friday but I am so scared that I am so burnt out that I will not interview well. And if I DO get the position I am scared that it may be unwise to take it because even though the responsibilities and institution are ideal, it would more than double my already rather substantial commute.
As a graduate student I absolutely suck. I am about a MONTH late on my current chapter due for my thesis and am so stressed because my thesis advisor is my former supervisor and I just am so scared to submit something that is less than perfect because I do not want to lose her confidence. And the ESL instruction course I am taking is a TON of work but is perhaps one of the most rewarding things I do on a weekly basis. I love my student and I enjoy the lesson planning.
Wedding planning is actually going okay — I think. I do not have much time for it but I check my to do list every couple of weeks and we seem to be in good shape. The only thing not in good shape is ME — I need to order my dress by the beginning of February (I’m going to be a dressilyme bride) and I have GOT to do something about the extra weight I have put on since I started my job a little over two years ago.
All of this is based on task based areas of my life — in all other areas I am failing as well. My fiance is absolutely wonderful but I do not spend enough time with him, take advantage of the little time we do have by engaging in meaingful activities, I take out things on him, I don’t initiate sex enough as I should — all in all, I suck.
I am letting all of my friends down in one way or another — failing to mail the package to my best friend who is currently in the Peace Corps in Indonesia, taking days to respond to texts, emails, etc. I also don’t talk to my mom or my sister nearly enough and have no idea when I will be able to make the six hour drive to see them in the near future.
Finally, my house is a mess, my plants are dying, and my car has needed an oil change for months.
I am just so so exhausted from getting smacked in the face with another area that I am failing at — and the worst thing is that at this point I do not even know where I can try to cut down on things. I have to work. I have to finish my thesis. I have to get married. I have to be a partner/friend/sister/daughter. I guess my house can continue to be dirty but I kind of feel like if I could just clean it maybe I would feel better about things.
Thanks for the space to vent, Bees. Anyone relate?