Post # 1
I created this account so I could post this anonymously… I feel like my marriage is failing and I don’t know what to do. We are discussing marriage counseling. We fight constantly, it is usually over something stupid, but it is constant. We are both pretty stubborn. I feel so drained and can’t do it anymore. We have a nine month old and both work full-time. I don’t feel like he contributes to any household chores, and he works some weekends. If he isn’t working, he is in the garage doing something or upstairs on the computer researching some car part or something like that. I feel like he put us in a tighter financial situation because he insisted on refinancing our home to a 15 year mortgage instead of 30. (He manages all the money and bills… but i know things were tight before… plus we are about to start paying for daycare which is not cheap.) We have a pretty passionless marriage, but I have a feeling he thinks everything is fine, or is at least ignoring that there is anything wrong. I am feeling so disconnected from the marriage. I’m afraid to split up, because… it’s scary. I feel like a temporary separation would be good for us, but how do you even suggest that to someone who thinks we are fine…? I have tried to bring things up but it always turns into a fight and goes no where. I think counseling could do well for us… Has anyone felt similar and done counseling? What were your results…?
Post # 3
I haven’t been where you are, and no one’s feedback will be the same in anyone else’s situation. You know you need counseling, so I suggest you seek it out… as an individual, as a couple, whatever works for you both. Babies are hard (I don’t know this for sure since we haven’t even started TTC, but I have heard.) They don’t strengthen relationships, they try relationships.
I’d advise against a temporary separation. You’re already feeling detached from him, I don’t think in this case absence will make the heart grow fonder.
Post # 4
OP, i have not been in your situation before but I can imagine it is extremely heartbreaking to feel disconnected from your husband. I would definitely recommend counseling if it is a feasible option financially. If not I strongly recommend reading the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It completely transformed the way I communicated with loved ones. You can order it on Amazon or buy a copy at Barnes and Nobles/Borders etc..
Post # 5
I was in a similar situation… It’s like you’re talking about me. Please go buy the book “Hold me tight”. It explains a lot about how we end up in this position and how to get out of it … and it really did save my relationship. Don’t give up… your marriage can be better than it ever was before… I get it, I was tired and there was no pay off… the fights were useless, but we kept doing the same things over and over… Also, I felt this book was WAY better than the 5 love languages when you are already in crisis (just my opinion… that was a good book for a more secure relationship)
The bottom line was that we had pushed each others buttons and played on each other insecurities, so the relationship stopped being ‘safe’ and then over time both of you are disconnecting. Get the book, get the help… 🙂 Hugs.
Post # 6
Thank you both for your response. We are both over the moon about our son – he is the most precious thing that has ever happened to either of us. But I don’t think anyone can deny that a baby definitely adds to the stress of daily life, or at least the busyness.
I will check out that book. I have heard quite a bit about it, but never read it. Thanks!
Post # 7
@beegirl1234: I dont know what it feels like to be you but it is good to hear that you are talking about counseling. To me that is a great sign that you guys aren’t ready to end this. You are both willing to put the effort in and fight for your marriage and that is huge. I say go for the cousneling. It sometimes helps to have someone that you can both talk to, kind of like a translator of sorts. To help you guys understand eachother a little bit better.
If the first one that you meet with doesn’t work out, try another one until you find one that you both like. Not every counselor has the same style so it can take a few tries to find one that fits your needs.
Good luck to you and you will be in my thoughts.
Post # 8
@sj8082: +1 Both of those books are great and I would take a look at them!
Post # 9
I was in your situation, and I ended up getting a divorce. My son was 1.5 yrs old when we split. You know you need something, but what it is depends on what you want. Do you want it to work out? If yes, then you’ve got hope. If you don’t, then nothing is going to fix the problem because you won’t work for it. My ex and I went to one counseling session, and the counselor warned us that apathy one either part was likely going to be a relationship-killer. I didn’t care to put in the work because I had checked out so long before, and so we decided it would end at that point. I wish you the best of luck, truly, because as hard as it is now, being a single parent is harder. One word of caution, try to tone down the tension b/c your little one can feel it. If he picks a fight, back out. It’s not about winning the battle; it’s about keeping a calm environment around your child.
Post # 10
Thank you! I will check out “Hold Me Tight” as well… I’m glad to hear of someone else in a similar situation who was able to work it out. Very encouraging… Did you go ot counseling or just kind of figure your way through it?
Post # 11
@Blush.Champagne: i second the love languages book.
@beegirl1234: i think it’s time for some counselling. the two of you need to be communicating better.
i have been in a past relationship where i was feeling detached for years. he thought counselling was useless and would not go. he didn’t think there was a problem and the problem was just with me. i hope that your husband is more open to recognizing that there is a problem and prepared to work on your relationship.
Post # 12
@inspiredcreations: Sometimes I’m afraid that I’ve checked out because this has been going on for so long, but I’m not convinced yet. I do think we can save our marriage and am hoping to, especially with our child. I definitely try not to argue in front of him.
Post # 13
A baby and you both work full time? No wonder you feel the way you do. That’s very stressful. I would find a marriage counselor ASAP in addition to the books that were suggested. In addition:
-Go out once a week on a “date” (this can be just a cup of coffee) and force yourselves NOT to talk about the house, finances, your son, or work
-Schedule sex time even if you really don’t feel like doing it
-Do something nice for eachother everyday
-Say something nice to eachother everyday
I really hope things get better for you : )
Post # 14
@mypinkshoes: He agrees that we need counseling… I’m not sure if he thinks we need it as badly as I do. I just a happy marriage… I know it takes work. I’m willing to do that, I just need him to be on board as well.
Post # 15
I’ve been divorced twice, guess I’m an expert at failed relationships.
The worst thing you can do is ignore it, you’ll just build up resentment. Get the books, go to the therapist, tell him you seriously want to work together to change your relationship. It helps with my Fiance if I tell him as calmly and unemotionally as possible exactly what’s bothering me. Which means I have to do a lot of self examination to figure out my own feelings first.
Post # 16
@Penelopeee: Thank you! We will definitely try these things. I need to make it a point to set up a regular date night, I think. I mention it, but we don’t have anything regularly scheduled.
You are all so encouraging… thank you so much for your replies!