failing relationship??

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I am sorry you are going through this.Sex isn’t everything but it really is important.

Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? Was your sex life pretty active in the past or has it always been like this (or goes in phases)? If he has a low sex drive, there’s a myriad of reasons why that could be..the ones I can think of are stress, new meds, tiredeness etc..has his work schedule always been like this?

Post # 3
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you should be concerned. The lack of sex or lack of attraction on his part may be a symptom of something else going on in the relationship. As in, perhaps he is having second thoughts, or something of that sort. I do have to say that your age difference is rather significant. You’re both in different life stages.

Post # 5
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

My FI works on call for the railroad and works 12 hour days and often goes out of town. Needless to say, we often go in cycles of not seeing each other for extended periods and we live together! With that said, we sometimes will go a month or longer without getting intimateBecause of ouR schedules. We don’t view this as loving each other any less or having issues. It’s just life getting in the way. We understand this though. 

If you are that concerned that it is meaning something other than him working hard and is tired… Talk to him! There is nothing wrong with bringing up your concerns in a CALM, RATIONALE, manor. Preferably after he has slept. Not before. 

Post # 6
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

ScorpioGirl93:  hmm.. I bet it’s not very comforting when your SO throws a fit whenever you voice your concerns. It’s not fair that you can’t voice how you are feeling as it is affecting you and the relationship. Moreover, it would hurt my feeling if my guy dismisses my concerns by “brushing” them off.

I think it is normal for most couples to have lots of intimacy at first and for things to progressively decrease. However, not having sex at all for a month it’s somewhat concerning. He is probably adjusting to the new routine/schedule but he does have to let you know why he is not seeking/wanting intimacy. It’s unfair to you that you have to be guessing what on earth it’s going on and if it’s something you are doing.

If he is unwilling to talk and listen to you, maybe write him a letter annd express that by rejecting you it makes you feel bad and ask him why he has not been seeking intimacy.

Is he affectionate otherwise?

Post # 8
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I remember hearing a comment or quote of someone saying.. When sex isn’t an issue it only matters for 10% of the relationship, bjt when its bad its 90%. I used to work nights (and will likely start again) and my SO works a VERY unsteady schedule and is out of town when he works. We feel more connected when we are intimate, so we make it a priority. It’s our own little unwritten rule that at some point during the day we are gonna make time for sex. Sometimes its planned, usually spontaneous. It sounds like, for you, sex is just one of many issues :/ his unwillingness to hear your concerns is a bigger issue.

Post # 9
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

ScorpioGirl93:  I agree with Jamie90, the fact that he is so unwilling to hear your concerns is a bigger issue. So rude and insensitive of him to ask you to stop crying when you were feeling stressed out! He is supposed to comfort you in situations like this. Has this happened before where his sister/mom had to come in and console you?

Post # 10
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee

 

ScorpioGirl93:  Is it possible he is cheating? A long term concern of mine would be his anger & lashing out on you. It is not good for you & worse if children enter the picture. 

Post # 13
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I work all sorts of shifts as a nurse, and as much as I love my FI, a lot of times I really am just exhausted and my mind is occupied thinking about work that I just am not in the mood. We’ve had conversations about it, sometimes he gets self-conscious, but I am being honest when I tell him I’m too tired. Gived him the benefit of the doubt

Post # 14
Member
2471 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ScorpioGirl93:  Hi, cop wife here and my FI used to work midnights every 3rd month. Shift work is HARD. People who don’t work the midnight shift don’t really understand how messed up your circadiam rythim can get and how hard it is on the body

Fact of the matter is you need to set aside some time for sex but you also need to cut him some slack. I really don’t think its cheating in your case. It sounds like he is just suffering with the midnight shift. You seemed to be really focused on how midnight shift is affecting YOU – what about your FI?

I know when I am exhausted sex is the LAST thing I want. Neither ofyou seem to be handling this well. Is there an option for him to switch shifts?

Also- if there isn’t- you need to accept that things are different now and find a new ‘normal’ Its hard, trust me I get it but this is still sort of new for you both so you are in a transition period. Be patient and see if (once he settles into the shift/ he can get a routine down ) things improve. 

Post # 15
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee

ScorpioGirl93:  There has been one incident where is mother has had to come over and put him in his place”<br /><br />

Wait, what?????  Why is his mother getting involved in your relationship??  Wow.

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