Post # 1
I’m at a loss as to what to do on this one. I’ll try to be as mercifully brief as possible. A couple of months ago, my mother and I had a falling out, which was frankly a long time coming. My friends and even my shrink (embarassing to admit) were like “finally, you stood up to her.” So, she and I haven’t been speaking. My nephew turned 3 this past Sunday and I was looking forward to his birthday party in part as a chance to see my mother in a non-threatening environment and maybe thaw things a bit.
My sister (nephew’s mother) has been pressuring me to call my mother and just “take” the inevitable put downs and belittlings that come with trying to mend fences ith her (even my sister recognizes that calling her would involve this). So, fast forward to this Sunday, I was wrapping the gifts for my nephew and called my sister to see what time the party was because I had to arrange to drive my father, who is in a wheelchair. My sister informed me that I wasn’t welcome because I hadn’t made up with my mother and my sister didn’t need the tension – in her words, I didn’t call my mother like she had told me to so it was my fault. I was devastated.
Now, my sister is supposedly the matron of honor for my wedding, but she hasn’t wanted to even discuss it with me. She says that I was selfish to start planning my wedding when my mother was in the middle of moving. (By way of background, my mother has owned two houses for almost a year now and I had spent every weekend for the first 6 months trying to help her move while my sister did nothing). My theory is that I can’t wait forever.
I feel so discouraged and I’m really hurt. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
((HUGS)) No suggestions I’m sorry that you’re going through that. Maybe you should send your mom and sister a letter to let them know how you feel and put it behind you. Do you have any close friends that are excited about your wedding and can help? If not, no worries there are plenty of virtual MOHs on wedding bee to help keep you sane and happy ((HUGS again)).
Post # 4
Thanks for the support. I guess my big question now is what do I do about the MOH thing? I have a couple of friends in my wedding who are actually happy and excited for me. Should I ask them to unofficially take over the MOH duties (they would be totally cool with doing it without the title)? This, of course, is assuming that my sister even wants to be in my wedding. I feel like my sister has made it clear that she doesn’t think that much of me. I can’t see her doing anything to plan a shower or anything like that.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I would avoid making any rash decisions without letting some time pass. It sounds like you have finally established boundaries with your mother. And you shouldn’t be bullied into crossing them. Trust me on this one, I’ve been there. If you feel comfortable I would explain the situation to a friend, and designate her a co-MOH. I wouldn’t strip the title from your sister quite yet, as it isn’t a decision you will be able to unmake. Then your sister can participate as she wants, without you feeling disappointed in missing out on a “real” MOH and all that entails. Good luck.
Post # 6
firstly sending hugs! has your sister been manipulative towards you in the past? i can understand why she doesnt want any family drama but to wait until you phoned her to be told youre not welcomed is very unfair. obviously your mother got to her (how else would she know you didnt phone) and created a drama.
now…. i have mum issues too, i rarely talk to my mother and when i do its never about anything about whats going on in my life. reason being is she is such a negative and controlling person there is no joy in her life and i refuse to allow her to poison it anymore. my hubby is now my family, the person i can depend on and who will be there for me – so youre not alone in family dramas and having to make some tough decisions
i suggest that it wont get any easier during the wedding planning and maybe having your sister as an invited guest would be the better option.
goodluck as its not going to be easy but make sure you talk to the people you trust and that you know who support you!
Post # 7
I know exactly what you mean about sticking up to mothers. I finally had to stand up to mine a couple of years ago and it worked wonders for our relationship. She was mad at first, but once she realized I wasn’t a little girl anymore she came around.
I would talk to your sister and explain to her that your mother isn’t part of your planning right now and moving isn’t a real excuse not to plan a wedding. Let her know that you want her involved, but you expect her to stay out of the issues that you and your mother have. I’m so sorry you missed your nephews party. That was a really crappy thing to do to you AND to him. I hate when adults act like children.
Post # 8
Yes, ask your friends for support – and give them the MOH title too. Does your sister really deserve it?
Post # 9
Thanks y’all. It makes me feel better that I’m not the only one to have these types of issues (although, I hope few have had both at the same time). I think that at this point, I will ask my friends to help out on things, but NOT officially assign any MOH. Maybe my sister will come around, but I’m not holding out too much hope.
She called me yesterday to see if I wanted to join her an her son for dinner. At first, I thought it was an olive branch. Then she said I was being asked because her husband was busy and I’m always good at tiring out her son. All I could think was, yeah, I’m just not good enough to attend his birthday party. I kind of evilly hope that he was an total banshee last night (I know it’s wrong to be like that!)
Post # 10
Well I certainly don’t know your sister, but despite how she worded her invitation, could your instincts have been right? Perhaps she was extending an olive branch. Is it difficult for her to say she’s sorry? If so, I could see her saying something like she did, instead of going through the whole, “Hey sorry I uninvited you. I shouldn’t ahve done that. Why don’t you come over tonight?…..”
And as far as her request (requirement) that you call your mom, (and getting upset when you didn’t), I’m wondering if her motives are simply that she’s whipped by your mom. Perhaps she doesn’t want to make waves, with her. And seeing her son was having a birthday party, she wanted to avoid possible drama that could arise if the two of you were there together. So if she really can’t stand up to your mother, it’s much easier to give into mom, and tell her little (I’m guessing) sister that she can’t come. How would your mom react if your sister told her she couldn’t come unless the two of you made up? I will say, I can’t blame her for not wanting drama at her son’s birthday party.
I’m not trying to defend your sister. It sounds like she hasn’t been fair to you. But if your mother is making her nervous/frustrated/angered, and is causing this behavior, perhaps it might be easier for you to understand and forgive it. Is it possible your sister would be willling to visist your therapist with you?
Post # 11
I agree about letting some time pass before you make any changes. When emotions run high it’s easy to make rash decisions and regret them later. However, I’d say if after a couple months (if you have that kind of time) things don’t change I’d talk to your sister to see if she still wants to be in the wedding. The last thing you want is someone in your wedding who isn’t 100% there for you, and supportive of you in every way. I’d explain the situation (level of detail depends on how close you are to them) and ask if they mind helping out a bit more since your sister can’t(won’t) at this point. Making someone else co-MOH might fuel the fire with your sister, and you don’t want that in the cooling off period. I feel your pain, my sister is only “maid of honor” because my mom demanded it. We’ve never gotten along, and she admittedly doesnt want to do anything to help me out (not that I’d trust her to anyway), but then again none of our bridal party is doing anything to help, so it’s all the same to me. It wasn’t worth hearing them (mom and sis)complain, and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I guess my situation is a bit different though because they are not overtly hurtful to me.
Post # 12
First and foremost, I’m sorry you are going through this… though I am glad you have an objective therapist to bounce things off of.
So when you stood up to your mother, it sounds like she tried to find an ally in your sister, and that your sister is not at the same place with your mom as you are. So your sister chose to align with your mom because it’s easier they taking the difficult road with you.
You can’t change how anyone else reacts to the situation, only what your reaction is… I think I’d talk it over with your therapist and work on how to let go of the pain that was enacted in you. And once you are able to let go of that (no easy feat), you’ll start to feel like you are coming out on the other side of this.
It takes time, a lot of tears and hard work… but it will be great to start your marriage with the best possible mental state and as free as possible from negative family dynamics. You’ll know when you are getting there because what your mom and sister say won’t matter so much to you any more. Best of luck!
Post # 13
Wow. This is hard. Sticky family situations seriously are the worst. =( I suggest that for the wedding you smooth things over with your family … sounds like this will take a while to heal.
I agree that you cannot wait forever, but at least you have a LOT of time left to worry over who will be your MOH and even change your mind and get different dresses etc.