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Yikes, that's a little strange about the inheritance thing.
As far as me and my husband, we each have our own separate checking and savings accounts, and one joint checking account for bills and "together" money, which is for vacations and fancy dinners out, etc. We both believe that each person should contribute and help pays bills appropriately (we each pay different bills), but that we're also entitled to a little privacy when it comes to money. Hence, our own accounts. Nothing's ever really a secret, though. Sometimes I don't know EXACTLY how much he's spending on video games, and I don't tell him EXACTLY how much that new pair of shoes costs :) We both view it as: as long as bills are paid, and we're saving money according to plan, we're entitled to our financial independence. But when it comes to major things, there are no secrets and we handle it together.
I think it's really important for both of us to have a clear picture of what our financial picture looks like. What if something happens to one of you? On top of dealing with the injury/death of your spouse, do you really want to have to simultaneously tackle knowing nothing about your finances? In this spirit, my fiance and I had a "Financial Summit" recently, where we sat down and went over our incomes, investments, debts, etc. I suspect it's something we'll repeat several times a year.
My parents have always kept seperate checking accounts and joint savings accounts. This seems to be the path that my FI and I are taking. For me, it is a matter of financial independence. We will buy a house together, cars together, vacations together, but we will keep our seperate bills. If he wants to buy a new iMac, he can go for it. If I want to push an extra $200 into my student loan payments for a couple months, I can. For us, it is a matter of building up our finances together, while budgeting for our own expenses and splurges without the stress of "sharing" the expense.
We do joint money for everything, but I think having separate accounts or a mix of joint and separate makes sense for some couples. I think it depends on whether both people have similar incomes, their personal preferences, etc.
That said, there is one thing I don't get AT ALL: husbands and wives not knowing how much the other person makes or has in savings. You don't need to report every little purchase, but having no idea what the other person's financial situation is seems strange.
I guess I don't really understand the concept of "separate money" once you're married...presumably, you would be making decisions on large purchases together, as a couple, so I don't really see why something like an inheritance should be kept as "his" or "hers". That just puts a bad taste in my mouth, and I know I would feel badly if my FI had that perspective. Like you said, it's like your FIL gave your MIL an allowance--as if she's a child. If it works for them, great, but I don't think I would be okay with that sort of idea.
We're (FI and I) are struggling with this idea of "yours" and "my" money right now, actually. He makes much more than I do, and he really believes that once we get married (and even now), it's all "our" money. However, I'm having a hard time with this idea--I feel almost like I'm mooching off him, even though I know I contribute non-monatarily to our relationship in addition to my smaller salary. I agree with the idea of everyhing being "ours" in principal, but it's hard to do it in practice.
In terms of managing the finances, FI works in finance and so he is obviously much more knowledgeable than I am. However, I think it's important that both partners have some idea of what's going on in their finances, even if one person usually ends up doing the actually bill paying, etc. Growing up, both my parents were equally involved in how the money was spent, etc, so maybe that's influenced me?
My parents have pretty much joint everything... which they say is because they never had enough money to do more than just pay the bills anyways :) My mom does have one separate account for an inheretence that she got, but that was a joint decision between my parents. My dad has always been the bread-winner and he wanted her to have some money just for her to do with whatever she wanted without feeling badly about it. Not that he ever tried to make her feel bad, but because my dad has always made 5+ times what she does, she feels guilty about spending money sometimes.
FI and I have discussed it and we are agreed that we want to have a joint checking account for all household and joint expenses, and then seperate checking accounts for our personal purchases (like for me, camera stuff and for him electronics). We are not 100% sure if we want to do 1, 2, or 3 savings accounts. I think we are leaning towards one though because all the stuff we'd be saving for would probably be joint purchases.
My parents have joint and separate accounts, which is probably the route I'd want to take. Honestly I wouldn't care about having completely separate finances as long as all the bills get paid. I just can't get my mother's voice of out my head when it comes to money... she always told me to make sure I can support myself without anyone's help, so that's what I intend to do. That way I wouldn't need to join finances, but if he wanted to have one account that we both put a certain amount in for bills and big purchases, that would be fine with me. I do think both people should have a fairly specific idea of what the other person makes and saves and a general idea of how the money is being spent, but people should have their financial independence too, regardless of whether they're married or not.
Oh, and there are some good reasons for keeping inheritance money separate for divorce purpose. Not that anyone ever plans on getting a divorce, but if it happens and you commingled your inheritance with marital funds, then the inheritance would be split upon divorce, so you wouldn't be able to keep all of your own inheritance, which would stink. (Can you tell I've been studying for my Dissolution of Marriage final that's next week? haha)
Boston Bee--that's a good point about losing your inheritance in case of divorce! Is that true even in states like NY where everything is split 50/50? For instance, if my FI and I were to get divorced, I think I would get half of any investments or purchases, such as a house, if they're made after we're married, even if it's mainly "his" money used to do so. I could be wrong about that tho--I'm definitely not an expert in this.
I think different things work for different people. My parents are all combined, except my mom has a separate account she uses for my sister's money because she does all my sister's finances. My in-laws are pretty much together, except my FIL keeps a secret account his wife doesn't know about. 
I thought it was weird when he used his secret account to buy himself a motorcycle he kept at a friend's house so his wife wouldn't find out about it, but it's not really my place to say anything...
For my husband and me, we are joint on everything. He is in charge of the finances, but keeps me pretty informed on what's going on. We talk about all the big things, plus he lets me know about the little things, too, when they come up. I really prefer him to be in charge of the finances/bill paying/saving accounts/budgets/etc... though, because he's just more responsible with that stuff. :) I guess our personal preferences just kind of evolved with our relationship; I don't think there is any direct connection between the way we handle finances and the way our parents do.
@hilsy85: well I'm taking FL dissolution of marriage, so it may be different from NY, but from what you described it seems pretty similar. You're right that whatever investments and purchases are made during marriage and equally divided, no matter whose money was used to buy it. But inheritances are considered non-marital until you do something to make it marital... for example, putting it in a joint account and mixing it with other marital funds. If you put the inheritance in a separate account and don't let the other person have access to it then it stays non-marital, so it wouldn't be divided in the case of a divorce.
Ah ok, thanks for the clarification :) Not that I'm expecting any sort of inheritance to come my way, lol, but still, good to know.
We have joint checking and savings, the way we work it is we each get a little money each week to do whatever we want with, so we don't really ask each other about that, but everything else comes together to pay bills and go into savings. We don't have any financial secrets between each other. We both are in the loop as to where our money is going. We believe in being a total unit. Although a seperate account for christmas presents and stuff would make things a little easier so we wouldn't have to hide the purchases as hard...haha
We're joint AND separate, but it is very clear to my SO that my inheritance is not going to be "ours. Inheritances are different...Well, ultimately of course "we" will use it to retire and go on vacations and such, but my parents are leaving the money to me, not my husband. It's to be used with my discretion. It's not like i'm dropping it all into our joint account. It will stay separate basically and go towards our kids' colleges, etc, finish the house, you know that kind of stuff. So it doesn't seem too weird to me that he kept the inheritance--I'm sure she "cashed in" on some of that when they went on vacation anyways. I doubt he made her pay her own way =]
Yes, ultimately it's all "joint" money but it's how you set it aside and spend it. We'll both end up benefiting from my inheritance (i'm not exactly going to make him work if we can retire, that's silly!) but he knows it's technically mine, not his.
I do NOT believe in hiding things, though! That's awful! Or holding money over peoples' heads...but we each have individual financail things we want (Me: Makeup, him: other stuff) so we keep things separate mostly so we can have financial freedom.
My parents have a joint bank account. Any extra $ they get is theirs not one individuals. My FI's parents have joint accounts as well.
My FI and I decided to keep our individual accounts and open a joint account for house expenses/groceries/entertainment etc.
We are keeping individuals because I don't always agree with the money he spends on say his snowmobile or motorcycle and he doesn't always agree on my purse/shoe habit so it's better off as mine, his, ours. 
@ejs4y8: I guess I'm a little confused about why, if you view the inheritance as something that will be used to benefit both of you as a family, it's important that it is still "technically yours"? I just feel like that could create a sort of division, that it's something that could be held over the other person's head--like, "Well don't forget it's MY inheritance that made this house renovation possible!" or something like that. Not that you would do that, but that would be my fear if it were my SO who wanted to keep it as "his". But it seems like this is something you guys have discussed, so he likely does not feel this way.
It also might be that I'm having a hard time understanding because I've never had a large sum of money that's "mine"--that either I've made or that has been given to me; it's possible that I would feel differently in that case...
I think it's ok to have your fun money, or a stash for yourself. If you are working, you deserve to have some extra cash. But I was raised to believe that when you get married, everything is 50/50. You share bills, vehicles, vacations, etc. so you kind of NEED to share everything about finances. But that's just me I guess!
I prefer joint everything... but that's how my parents always did it. My FI and I did the joint thing once he moved (back) in even before he became my FI, but mostly because he was WICKED irresponsible with money and could never remember when bills were due hehe. Now it doesn't matter who the bread winner is, as long as we can pay the bills and enjoy ourselves. His parents keep their finances separate though, which I always thought was sorta odd.
I can actually really empathize with the inheritance thing. My background and FI's background are very different in terms of finances. While his parents struggle, mine don't and neither have worked for years. I will inherit a very large sum of money and we are already taking steps to insure that it comes directly to me. I trust my FI, but not his family. I don't want them pressuring us to give them any money since they wren't responsible for their own and not as fortunate. Even down the road if the in-laws are no longer alive, I also don't want to hear anything from his siblings. For this reason, the money will come directly to me and stay in my own bank account. Once it is put in a joint account, it is shared property.
FI and I will keep separate bank accounts since we both work. He deducts a certain amount from mine each month into his ING savings, but that's it. As long as I work, there is no reason to join finances.
Well, see, I'm not like that, but I totally see what you're saying. I guess it could make me feel uncomfortable if the shoe were on the other foot. I wouldn't say it was "my" inheritance that made things possible and throw out that card. I am keeping it separate "just in case". And also, becasue it's my family's things. It's not my SO's things. I don't want my husband to suddenly take half my inheritance and then jet off with a new girlfriend immediately or even 10 years later. He didn't marry me to get rich. Hey, it happens and i'm not going to be naive. Plus, I don't agree with how he spends money all the time--he doesn't get to take the inheritance and go buy a new car just b/c "we're rich now" either =]
My SO has always known I come from a, er, comfortable family, and I actually kept a lot of this stuff hidden from him for a very long time because I didn't want him to get a bad impression. Only recently has he begun to truly understand my family's background.
I know this sounds incredibly snobby and inapropriate, but i don't know how to say it without making myself sound like a bad person so I'll just say it. When you're talking about an inheritance of certain substantial sums (basically my parents have told me if they died today I could retire right now--we've had talks about what I would need to do if they died, right down to the properites I'd inherit and how to manage them--it's family business kind of stuff), I think it does change things.
I know that's awful and I know the "how much" shouldn't matter, but it does. I don't plan on a divorce, but I certainly am going to protect my family's assets by keeping them in my own trust.
Like a PP said, in theory it's all "ours" but in practicality it's not.
Still havent decided what we are going to do about joining/or not our finances...might complicate things to join...we already have a joint savings
@JuneBride_26June2010:
Our families are really similar, although in my family my dad is the breadwinner and the finance person (because he is an accountant)
My husband's parents keeps their money completely separately and spend on whatever they want. I think they split the bills or his dad pays them and his mom pays for schooling for two kids (one now and hubby is on his own)
I personally think it's extremely important to have complete transparency...whether or not you have joint accounts. We chose to and always plan to work together with our money.
But for people that keep their money separate--if there is ever a time when one of the spouses cannot work, tensions build tremendously because a base of working together with whatever money we have together hasn't been built.
It's hard to speak for more than yourself when it comes to money issues, because ultimately as long as both partner's agree, that can be the right answers for certain couples. My personal thoughts are that our money is our money from now til the day we die. What I make, inherit, am given is equally mine as my hubby's and vice versa.
@ejs4y8 - I am in that same position. One thing I found out that is helpful is that when you come into your inheritance, as long as you still have your own separate checking or savings account for it to be transferred into, your husband cannot access it and if you were to separate or divorce, he would have no claim on it. I don't think you are being crude at all. I feel the same way.
While I think talking like this is awful, I, too, think that any money I inherit is my own since it was what my family worked hard to earn, invest, and save. While I plan to use it for my own family with my husband, it isn't his to spend or to give as handouts to his family.
Similarly, for any ladies not signing a pre-nup, if something was to happen and you were to separate, bank accounts that are in your name only cannot be claimed as joint assets. If they are in both of your names, they can be.
I think this is a really tough thing to consider because different people find it works better for them one way than it might for another.
My fiance and I have all of our money together, and we think of all of it as "our money". Neither of us have substantial assets to protect etc. We have our own credit cards and our own RRSPs but our bank accounts are together. This just works the best for us; he makes more money and I could not support myself off my meagre salary, and I am better at managing the money. I'm not sure how his parents work things (they are both divorced and remarried) but my parents have everything together.
This works for us. I think it also depends on how you go into using money in the relationship early on. We have always alternated paying for things, and split and compensated when needed (for example when I was working full-time and he was in school I paid more rent). It sort of felt like "our money" for awhile before we finally combined.
@ejs4y8- I suppose I could see how the amount of money might make a difference in how you think about it. I think it's wonderful that you have that sense of security, thanks to that money--especially in economic times like these! And I don't think it's bad to think of "just in case" scenarios, like divorce, because it does happen. I think for me personally, it makes me feel uncomfortable making a distinction between what money is his and what is mine, because I make so little compared to my FI. So I think I'm just having my own issues over sharing money in general, and maybe feeling a little defensive about the thought of actually joining finances with FI--a little guilty over the idea of spending the money that he makes.
@Mrs. Louboutin--if I had in-laws that are the way I'm imagining yours, I would probably not want them to have any of my inheritance either. However, in my current state with FI and his parents, I can't imagine refusing to give them money if they needed it, and I"m pretty sure if I had an inheritance and his parents needed money for an emergency situation, FI would not be okay with me refusing to do so. Of course, your in-laws sound like they're always asking for money/handouts and are irresponsible with money, which would make me really upset and like I said, would definintely make me less inclined to help them out all the time.
I definitely agree with everyone who said that different things work for different couples. Finances touch on so many different feelings and thoughts in people and can bring up so much anxiety and resentment, so it's great when a couple can come to an agreement, whatever that may be.
I don't think knowing about finances and personal accounts are quite the same thing. To me, both people should know how much debt there is (credit cards, loans, etc.) and how much their monthly bills are, and obviously not assume any debt that the other partner knows nothing about. Aside from that, I don't think a couple needs to have a joint anything.
For me, personally, I would like to have a combined accounts (both checking and savings) for paying all bills and savings (for emergencies, house, vacation, etc.). I also want to keep our individual accounts for personal little extras. I imagine it as us both putting the majority of our money into the joint accounts and each keeping a percentage of our earnings for our "fun" money.
The reason behind this is I don't want to explain every purchase I make. If I want to blow $400 on a pair of shoes with money I've earned, I don't want to feel guilty about it, or be judged. Same for the Boy, I don't want to look at him and say, "oh, you just spent "x" on shoes when we could have spent that on "x, y or z."
Not sure what my parents did since they were not together most of my life. With my their subsequent relationships (neither has remarried) they do individual accounts. FWIW, my grandparents (together over 60 years) both have individual and joint accounts. :)
@mrs. Louboutin, crude is definitely how I feel when I bring it up! It's so awkward, but he's so not caring about it, it really helps. But yes, I am maintaining a private account (as is he) that neither of us have access to and my parents have set everything up with lawyers accordingly so it won't be an issue. We like our privacy in regards to our own personal spending vices, haha...then I don't feel like I'm nagging him about buying video games and football tickets, then feeling sheepish about buying clothes.
@hilsy85, no i totally see what you mean! I was WAY more insecure about money when I was in college/not working, so I can totally relate to how you feel about your SO making more than you. Now that we both make about the same, we don't really have those weird feelings going on. I know I'd let it get to me, even though my SO would think i was being ridiculous. I'd feel like i wasn't "contributing enough" or something like that!
There is no such thing as a joint account in Korea, but even if there was, I would always have my own bank account. I understand having a joint account for joint expenses, but my mother has always warned me to have my own money that I can easily access. She's seen too many cases of people coming home to find the house and bank accounts cleared out....yeah, obviously people get their money back, but it's a mess to clean up and what do you do in the meantime. Her close friend's daughter was also being physically and financially abused for years so that she couldn't even leave him because she was too embarrased to tell her family but didn't have enough money to get away by herself. After that, I think my very conservative mother got a little bit afraid of the potential for abuse. Thankfully she did have her own account because when my father died suddenly, all of his accounts (he was responsible for paying the bills) were frozen and she couldn't access anything for 30 days (despite the will naming her as beneficiary). The first thing every bank person we dealt with was concerned about was whether or not she had her own money to tide her over while all the finances were sorted out. I know people don't like to think of these horrible things, but it's good to be aware.
As to inheritance, I'm thinking about putting a clause in the will I plan on making before our wedding that says if I receive an inheritance that we decide to invest or put into some sort of savings plan, (and we do not have children) it should be returned to my sister if I die. As far as I'm concerned, any money from my family should remain in my family. If I have a family of my own, that is a totally different story. But I wouldn't want that money going to his family at the expense of my own sister.
We're doing what a lot of other have: joint account for the majority of our finances, then each person gets "fun money" to spend on whatever they want each month (to cover my shoe habit and his guys night poker games). That way there's no arguing about those expenses. He's going to be "in charge" of the money (paying bills, managing investments, etc.) because he knows what he's doing and it's interesting to him. Not so much for me. But we will communicate about how everything's doing, and he doesn't get carte blanche to buy whatever he wants. Big purchases (TV, car, furniture) = discussion.
I'm guessing both sets of parents share 100%. (Though, my dad does goes on expensive trips w/o a budget which is sometimes touchy...) Both sets were married pretty young, and we were 31/29, so I think that affects the dynamic. We have merged some of our accounts. On the ones that aren't merged, we sporadically talk (about ever 1-2 mos) about what is in those accounts (savings) and where I'm at w/ my student loans. I think if there are any disputes, it is better to have structure in advance, but we've never been upset about the other's spending.
I assume if we get pregnant or go to one income, the budget will become more deliberate, but we are both able to add to our savings/pay ahead on loans (w/ discipline) w/o a lot of "rules".
I"m back to making more than him (not a lot), but enough that there is a noticable difference in our paychecks. I'm glad I make more because it is my preference that we combine all of our finances and have just one joint checking account and since I make more I don't feel weird suggesting it. I believe that once we are married, we are a team and should make financial decisions together. Also - what if one of us gets laid off or decides to stay home? That person would need access to the money and especially since we both come from a place of making it, I don't think anyone should ever be on an allowance.
My plan for us is to combine all of our assets and downsize to one joint checking, but also have budgets for certain things and meet together like 4 times a year to go over the finances. My only hesitations are imagining his inevitable reaction to the cost of my hair appointments, clothing and shoes, but I never go nuts and always pay cash for those things so I think it will be okay, just sticker shock for him.
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ok - so I have a question for all of you...
when it comes to finances are you of the belief and husband and wife should always be joint and each other KNOW about each other's finances - or should they be seperate?
I ask because - well my parents have always been a joint-finances couple. No questions - my mother was the one "in charge" of their finances, even though my father was the "bread-winner" - she was the one who just always took care of the bills and the accounts. BUT they both knew what the finances were and they never had seperate account...(fyi they've been married 37 years)
My husbands family, however, I have recently learned is the kind of couple who - his mother knows NOTHING about their finances and his father keeps everything extremely seperate from her...(fyi they've been married, i think, about 30 years)
For example - I was amost a little appalled when I found out that my FIL came into an inheritance lately and he told us that he gave his wife a certain amount out of the inheritance but the rest he kept for himself. To me that was shocking that their finances weren't joint and it was almost like he "allowed" her to have some of his money.
My parents had the same situation about 10 years ago - my father's father left an inheritance - but it was "their" money as in my mom's and dad's - not just my dad's. It's always been their money together and never seperate.
I'm just curious what your opinions are on how finances should be handled between a husband and a wife. Does your opinion come from a cultural standpoint?
Just interested in starting a conversation! :)