Post # 1
My FI and I want a simple standing ceremony with just close family and friends. We’ve made our daughter the flower girl and our nephew (future SIL son) the ring bearer. Up until a month before the wedding I didn’t think there was a problem. Now were being guilted on a almost daily basis about our niece not being the flower girl. We’ve found a place for her but SIL doesn’t want to have to make her daughter match the wedding party colors. She keeps throwing it in our face every time niece is upset ” she’s balling out of control we can’t calm her down” etc…. I’m getting 5+ paragraph emails now from SIL saying I dont care about nieces feelings. She will follow up with multiple emails if I don’t respond but if I do respond she pick every sentence about and twist my words. We even had to opt out of attending nephews bday party because she was hounding us all day with emails and phone calls being very mean and then says ” I thought we could all be adults for my sons bday.” She has now pulled both her kids out of the wedding and I now dont have a ring bearer. My FH had asked her not to attend my bridal shower because of how upset she’s making everyone. Then to top it off two people who rsvpd yes to the bridal shower (who although are closer to her, are def apart of our lives) no showed, and it wasn’t a coincidence! My MOH even had personalized settings a favors waiting for them that she made herself! How do I handle this? I want to give her a piece if my mind! A side note this is my FH’s brothers wife. So SIL by marriage.
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
UGH. Let her keep them out of the wedding. I’d rather not have a ring bearer than have it come with all that nonsense.
Post # 3
Wow. What happened to teaching kids that they can’t always have their way? Your SIL should not be making her spoiled daughter’s attitude your problem. And why would she think you should keep your own daughter out of the wedding so that her little princess can be the flower girl and wear whatever the hell she wants. I think you’re lucky she wants to stay out completely. I hope you can find a new ring bearer!
Post # 4
A simple standing ceremony does not need a ring bearer. It doesn’t, in fact, need a flower girl either, but I can see that you would want your daughter taking part. Simplicity is very appropriate and sensible when a marriage is taking place after several years of cohabitation and co-parenting — and it sounds like you’re not going to have “simple” as long as your sister-in-law is part of the ceremony.
And she is part of the ceremony, as long as either of her children is: a parent has the responsibility to oversee her child’s participation in anything. I can see, too, that she may be concerned about her daughter feeling “left out” (not that such a concern is really valid, but it is understandable). Really, she has done a favour by pulling her son out of the ceremony, since you can now simplify even more, so try to imagine some good reasons for her to have done so, and foster a friendly feeling toward her in your heart if you can. Next family event that occurs, paste a smile onto your face and thank her for making the decision to pull her son out — you now see that that was the wiser course of action. Tell her, a wedding is such an intimate immediate-family event that it makes so much more sense not to try to include a cousin along with the actual family — and say it in a kind voice with your smile on. Practice in front of a mirror if you have to.
As for your ring-bearer, put a little snap-loop at the top of your daughter’s flower basket and snap the rings to that: she can be both flower-girl and ring-bearer. Or have your seamstress make a pocket in your dress and put your husband’s ring in that: his jacket will already have a pocket where he can put yours. Or have your official witnesses carry your rings for you.
Your wedding ceremony will be all the sweeter and more romantic to your guests, if the wedding party is limited to your immediate family. If your sister-in-law was finding the wedding affairs stressful, then being out of the spotlight will make her and her family more relaxed. If, on the other hand she was just being an entitled diva, being out of the spotlight serves her right.
But whichever it was, smile and be — or pretend to be — understanding and gracious. Do not give anyone a piece of your mind: when you are as old as I am you will find you need all the pieces of your mind that you can save over the years.
Post # 5
Sorry, forgot to add some advice. I would have your FI handle this since it’s his family. Although there isn’t much for him to say, since this woman sounds so unreasonable. I think I’d just ignore her, find a new ring bearer and move on.