Family advice needed.

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

UGH. Let her keep them out of the wedding. I’d rather not have  a ring bearer than have it come with all that nonsense.

Post # 3
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow. What happened to teaching kids that they can’t always have their way? Your SIL should not be making her spoiled daughter’s attitude your problem. And why would she think you should keep your own daughter out of the wedding so that her little princess can be the flower girl and wear whatever the hell she wants. I think you’re lucky she wants to stay out completely. I hope you can find a new ring bearer!

Post # 4
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee

A simple standing ceremony does not need a ring bearer. It doesn’t, in fact, need a flower girl either, but I can see that you would want your daughter taking part. Simplicity is very appropriate and sensible when a marriage is taking place after several years of cohabitation and co-parenting — and it sounds like you’re not going to have “simple” as long as your sister-in-law is part of the ceremony.

And she is part of the ceremony, as long as either of her children is: a parent has the responsibility to oversee her child’s participation in anything. I can see, too, that she may be concerned about her daughter feeling “left out” (not that such a concern is really valid, but it is understandable). Really, she has done a favour by pulling her son out of the ceremony, since you can now simplify even more, so try to imagine some good reasons for her to have done so, and foster a friendly feeling toward her in your heart if you can. Next family event that occurs, paste a smile onto your face and thank her for making the decision to pull her son out — you now see that that was the wiser course of action. Tell her, a wedding is such an intimate immediate-family event that it makes so much more sense not to try to include a cousin along with the actual family — and say it in a kind voice with your smile on. Practice in front of a mirror if you have to.

As for your ring-bearer, put a little snap-loop at the top of your daughter’s flower basket and snap the rings to that: she can be both flower-girl and ring-bearer. Or have your seamstress make a pocket in your dress and put your husband’s ring in that: his jacket will already have a pocket where he can put yours. Or have your official witnesses carry your rings for you.

Your wedding ceremony will be all the sweeter and more romantic to your guests, if the wedding party is limited to your immediate family. If your sister-in-law was finding the wedding affairs stressful, then being out of the spotlight will make her and her family more relaxed. If, on the other hand she was just being an entitled diva, being out of the spotlight serves her right.

But whichever it was, smile and be — or pretend to be — understanding and gracious. Do not give anyone a piece of your mind: when you are as old as I am you will find you need all the pieces of your mind that you can save over the years.

Post # 5
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sorry, forgot to add some advice. I would have your FI handle this since it’s his family. Although there isn’t much for him to say, since this woman sounds so unreasonable. I think I’d just ignore her, find a new ring bearer and move on. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
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