Family and in-laws do not care about engagement

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I can relate. The most important thing is to talk openly with your paretner about it. The more you talk about it, the less of a big deal it will seem.

Marriage is about you and your spouse and the amzing plans you have together for life. Keep the focus on that and suddenly the actually act of getting married (aka the wedding) won’t feel like it matters too much.

The concept of a “toxic person” is very very real too. You don’t need to feel ashamed to pin point those in your life who qualify. For me, there is a certain peace that comes from it. It is not synonymous for “I hate you,” in fact you prbably love them, otherwise they wouldn’t be intertwined with your life enough to be toxic. It is sometimes just a valuable observation to make.

Post # 3
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

and for what it is worth, I am very excited for you and your fiance 🙂

Post # 4
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I’m confused why you would ask your mother for money to elope when she already told you that she wasn’t willing to help pay for a regular wedding in the States.  It seems like asking for the loan is what started all this.  And then again at the end of your post, you mention your mother not paying your bills…how old are you?  Why do you feel like your mother has to support you financially, and yet you call out your FI for his parents financially supporting him?  I’m super confused.

As for the rest of your post, I’m sorry your families aren’t supportive of your engagement.  That definitely hurts.  But you’re also giving them power over you by allowing them to continually hurt you.  When a relationship is that toxic, it’s time to cut them off, family or not.  And as for God not wanting you to be happy, I suggest you find yourself a church and get some free counseling from a pastor.  That is NOT what God wants for you.  Above all, He loves you and wants you to be happy.

Post # 5
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

One of the things about getting married is that it should be after you have stopped being influenced by your parents, and have the maturity to be able to make decisions without their input.

If you feel like you should still ‘obey’ your mother, that’s a problem.   I let my mother take over the planning of my first wedding, nothing was how I wanted it, and at the end of the day I let it happen because I wasn’t mature enough to be getting married in the first place.  I was only just 21.   When I remarried at 34, my mother wasn’t even invited.  

Like you said in your post, you are ‘allowing’ your mother to ‘hold your happiness to ransom’… you have to realise that you are giving her the power to do so, she doesn’t automatically have it.  I hope this is something that you are addressing in counselling.

You don’t have to go to the extreme of completely cutting her out of your life, but you can do what I have done with my mother, and limit the amount of interaction you have with her.  If you know she isn’t going to be supportive of your wedding plans, don’t tell her anything.  She’s not paying, so she doesn’t need to know.  She attends purely as a guest. 

The realisation that you are never going to have the relationship you want with your parents can be a depressing one. However it is also enpowering, because it gives you the freedom to decide if you will have a future relationship, and if so, what form that will take.

Post # 9
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I can understand how you feel, I am in much the same situation.  My FILs don’t like me for a number of reasons, the main ones being that I’m twice divorced and that I have virtually no family.  As I’m nearly 46, to me the first one is none of their business, and the second one is beyond my control.

After nearly 5 years, I’m now resigned to the fact that I’m not going to have the relationship I want with them, in fact I no longer desire to have one.  Of course I will be polite, civil etc and would never stop FI from seeing them. 

I’m not going to lie, to stop being so passive is hard work.  You will have to accept the idea that those closest to you may not like it when you don’t jump every time they say ‘how high’.  I also try very hard to keep in mind that the only actions and reactions I can control are my own, and not take it so personally when someone acts badly.  

I think ongoing counselling would be a good thing.  Due to your history, I’m not sure church based counselling is the way to go, but I’m sure you will be able to decide for yourself. 

Post # 10
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Olivia21:  I was raised Presbyterian (Protestant).  So I haven’t experienced anything like what you just described in a church.  I recommend seeking counseling from a pastor because it’s free and you said how you’re having trouble affording regular counseling through a therapist.  When I was struggling with things, I sought out the church because I couldn’t afford even a single session with a psychologist.  Pastors can give you a lot of life/emotional counseling.  The main difference is they’ll bring up God and talk about relying on him.  They’ll use examples from scripture to back up their advice.  In all other ways, it’s very similar to what you’d get from a psychologist.  If you’re looking for a new church, maybe try something modern and non-denominational.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Olivia21: you can’t control other people. You can only control yourself. 

Your mom is toxic — why continue letting her into your life? Why allow your FI input into a relationship that he’s not involved in?

Not sure what religion you belong to, but my interpretation of my religion is that eventually, we’ll all make it to heaven as long as we don’t deny God. So revisit your religion. 

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