(Closed) Family awkwardness…need advice (kinda long)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Don't say anything : (4 votes)
    22 %
    Tell your fiance but tell him not to tell his parents : (3 votes)
    17 %
    Tell your fiance and have him tell his parents but not let Alice/Dad know : (6 votes)
    33 %
    other (please explain) : (5 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    First of all, congratulations on having such a loving family, and props for being the sort of person who cares about them in return and wants to make these things work.

    My suggestion is to reach out to Alice and let her know how important it is to you to have her there during your wedding process. It may give you a chance to talk through whatever’s been going on, and to try to smooth the path for better interactions between everyone. Surely Alice can find a way to deal with her own insecurities in order to make this a happy time for you. At the next event at which everyone’s there, keep an eye out to see how Alice and the ILs interact.

    Good luck with this, and I hope it works out well. There shouldn’t be any reason why everyone can’t come together to celebrate you and your FI.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9147 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    Find a polite way to mention to your in-laws that Alice feels a bit unwelcome and ask them to help make her feel more welcome. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I can understand why this feels awkward for you, and I think it speaks highly of the respect you have for your family. Everyone in this situation, however, is an adult. You can certainly say something to your FI’s family directly or indirectly, but I wonder if that’s necessary (and your father asked that you did not). I think it’s most important to communicate to Alice that she’s a welcome part of these celebrations, and then let her choose from there. 

    If she does show, it might be helpful to make some introductions, either to your FI’s family or to other guests around Alice’s age. Introductions are most useful when you briefly share 1. Who each party is (“Barb, this Alice, my dad’s wife. Alice, this is Barb, my aunt”); 2. Something interesting about each party/why they are important to you (“Alice is a fantastic baker. Her lemon bars are to die for! And Barb has been my favorite hair stylist for years . . . “) and 3. one thing they have in common (“Since Alice was talking about starting a garden, can you, Barb, share some of your secrets to delicious tomatoes?”) and then let them take it from there. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Are you close with your FMIL? Maybe you can just casually mention to her that Alice is shy and a bit uncomfortable in new surroundings/with new people, so you’d really appreciate if she could go a bit out of her way to be extra friendly and make her feel welcome.  I wouldn’t mention that Alice already said she felt brushed off or anything.  That could be an exaggeration from Alice (or excuse), plus it may make FMIL feel offended or put off if she didn’t think she did anything wrong.  Really no need to state that. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I suggest you speak with Alice and hear her feelings straight from her.  Maybe she just feels ignored becaue of her personality.  I think it’s best to do this before others are made to feel uncomfortable about the situation.  Maybe once you talk with her you can fix things without involving everyone else.  Good luck to you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    929 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I would leave it alone. Maybe say something to Alice to make it clear you want her at the events, but I def wouldn’t say anything to FILS. Alice is an adult. Whatever insecurities are keeping her from being there are not your problem to solve. She may have social anxiety in larger social settings and is just more comfortable staying home. Maybe plan a day for you and Alice to go out alone, lunch & veil shopping…something like that, so she feels included. Maybe she’ll change her mind afterwards.

    Post # 10
    Member
    388 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I would definately talk with Alice, one-on-one.  I wouldn’t bring up what your dad said right away, but maybe work it into the conversation (sorry you couldn’t make the fitting, but would love for you to come to the shower…)  It might mean more if it comes from you.

    I would trust your instincts about your in-laws.  If they don’t seem like the type to brush anyone off, maybe it was just a misunderstanding.  Especially if Alice is uncomfortable in these situations, maybe she just read them wrong.

    If you can get her to come to something, maybe you could start with just a small group (instead of this mother, that mother, the other mother, etc.)  Try something with just you, your fiance, your dad, her, and another couple.  Or maybe just you, your FMIL, and Alice.  Maybe she would be more comfortable in large groups if she had a chance to get to know some people, individually first.

    Good luck!

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