Post # 1
Does anyone’s family disapprove of their relationship with their SO? I recently broke off an engagement and started dating someone who is of a different race and religion than I am. My family went ballistic and pretty much ruined the close relationship I had with them because of my relationship with my bf. They have never met him, don’t know anything about him, but are making ridiculous conclusions based on our differences (racial, religious, educational). They are extremely racist. It’s sad. I miss my family and the relationship I used to have with them, I feel abandoned by them, but I love my bf. My family and I almost never talk anymore and when we do its very superficial. They will not listen to anything I have to say. They think I’m an embarassment to the family. However, I am extremely happy and am in a much better relationship now than I was when I was engaged to my ex-fiance (who only looked good on paper). It’s sad to think of a future without my family in it, but they don’t care that I’m happy or that he treats me well. They are concerned that it doesn’t “look” good and think that I’m “better” than him. Anyone have a similar experience? Any Advice on how to deal?
Post # 3
My parents were like this at first when they found out I was with a black man. It’s strange because my white/European dad married my Korean mother. She passed away, but my step-mom is also Korean. Ummmm, hello??? It was ridiculous how he viewed his own interracial relationships as ok, but mine was not? Thank God, they got over their prejudices very quickly once they met him and found out he’s such a great guy. But those first moments were horrible, and I called them very nasty names…..
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you, but I will be praying that your family comes to their senses and treats you and your SO with respect, love, and compassion. Good luck!
Post # 4
I am birracial and my parents have had a very long and happy marriage so I never had any qualms about being in an interracial relationship. My FI parents on the other hand had a difficult time with it in the beginning, they “didn’t have anything against me” they just “didn’t think I was right” for him. Over the course of the last 3 years they have really turned around… FFIL even sent FI a email the other day just to tell him that he has really come to love me and couldn’t be happier for us.
I guess my point is, how long have you been together? Perhaps with time they will come to see that the relationship is meaningful and will stand the test of time. Hopefully, they will realize this and want to be a part of your life.
Post # 5
My family was not nearly as difficult as yours, so I don’t know that my experience has much relevance. But I did learn that you have to make your own decisions and live your own life. Your family is basically emotionally blackmailing you into doing what they think is best… not for you, but for them. This kind of dynamic is toxic and would have reared its ugly head sooner or later. The sooner you put your foot down and set boundaries for how much control they can exert over you, the better it will be for you in the long run.
You have to be you, and the person you love is a part of yourself. I can’t imagine denying myself that for the sake of appeasing someone else’s malicious, bigoted beliefs. All you can do is live the way you feel is right and hope that your family will come around. I really feel for you, best of luck.
Post # 6
Jayce, you are right they are emotionally blackmailing me into what they think is best for them not me. My mom’s favorite line is “How could you do this to ME! I thought I raised you better than that, I did everything for you and what have you done for ME in return.”
And I do need to set boundaries for them, sometimes I just don’t know how to go about doing so. My mother has been talking so much crap about me to my family, she makes me feel alienated from everyone and then she tells me that I don’t care about my family anymore because I have “other priorities.” Sighhhhhhh! This is probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.
Post # 7
@LuvzChocolate: I dated a black man for a bit and really liked the guy. When I told my mother she just about died. Just like your mother, she said something along the lines of “how can you do this to me?”. She was concerened with having biracial grandchildren and that it wouldn’t be fair to them. I was so shocked that my mother, who I considered to be such a kind and accepting person, could say such hateful and cruel things. She would also tell me about how she kept having nightmares about black men raping her. It was a terrible time for us and it really changed the way I viewed my mother. I had never thought she would be capable of saying some of the things she said. The guy and I ended up not working out (I took a job somewhere else and neither of us wanted to do long distance) but what my mother said stays with me to this day 🙁
Post # 8
i always grew up with the thought in the back my head that my dad had placed a very long time ago. “you can date whoever you want, but as for your marriage it will be with a korean man i choose…”
which is an oxymoron in itself, my dad’s sister, who married a black man, is the sole reason our entire family was able to immigrate to the US. dad gets along great with my uncle and my bi-racial cousins. however, it was always a no-no for my bro and i growing up to think of marrying anyone outside of koreans.
i definitely pushed the envelope on that one, i dated korean guys, filipino guys, black guys, white guys… etc.etc.etc. i dated who i liked. PERIOD.
with that said, DH (half german/half polish) was the first boyfriend i ever brought around the family. i guess i realized how serious we were and i wasn’t about to back down. with the grace of God, both my parents have accepted him wholly and love him like their own son. 🙂
fairy tales do come true. i’m sorry that your family is being ignorant and not seeing the bigger picture of your happiness. i pray that one day they will come around and support you like you deserve.