Family drama . . .

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
22 posts

This is a hard one. I’m just going to address the mean e-mail and her wanting “distance”.

Honestly, I don’t think you should apologize or be forced to ignore how hurt you are. She sounds very dramatic, and the fact that her FI is so quick to temper, and honestly, rude, says something to me.

She’s the one marrying a (supposedly) hot-headed jerk, and what I’ve realized over the years is that people don’t get romantically involved with people who aren’t like themselves.

That aside, I don’t think its fair for your FI or you to cater to her. She’s probably used to getting her way with your FI, and so I suspect she’s thinking he’ll back down…

I say let her hurt feelings continue to be hurt. They’ll most likely go away once everything settles and becomes normal again.

As far as I can tell, you’ve been very fair. You let her know just why you weren’t attending their engagement party. She’s the one who agreed with your reasoning.

Post # 3
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

First off let me just say that I understand why you’re so frustrated. This woman sounds horrible and I know if I were in your shoes I’d be having a very very hard time dealing with this. 

However, objectively, I think your best bet is to take the high road. These people are very important to your FI, which means they are going to be in your life for a long time. Making the rift bigger would only hurt him– which you don’t want. That leaves you with little choice.

Just be civil. You don’t have to be friendly, but I think you have to invite the sister’s jerky fiance to your wedding or risk alienating her irreversibly. 

I would also speak to your FI about how he sees these relationships playing out in the future. I, for one, would never be ok with any of my siblings’ SOs treating me and my FI that way. I think your FI should talk to his sister and let her know just how damaging that email was. But that’s on him.

Good luck. not an easy situation to deal with.

Post # 4
1715 posts
Bumble bee

You showed a certain level of consideration and acknowledgment to your brother and FSIL regarding the date of their wedding and how close your wedding day would be to it. When your fiancee’s sister didn’t show a similar level of consideration when it came to the date of your wedding and how soon her wedding would take place after that — even though she was fully aware of what you had done for your sibling — you got upset. Do I have that part of this story right? 

Honestly, while your FSIL and her fiancée have acted horrendously, I think your expectation that she would or should acknowledge your wedding date the way you acknowledged your brothers is rather unreasonable. 

You said yourself your actions regarding your brothers wedding were done for your conscience and were “perhaps extreme”. To think she should do that, or something similar, for you just doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t need to adopt your conscience for this matter simply because she saw you do things a certain way for your sibling. 

Again, her and her fiancée’s actions were awful, but I don’t think your expectations and disappointment were or are reasonable. She’s not obliged to do for you what you did for someone else. 

Maybe seeing the start of this whole problem in a different light will help you find a good solution. 

Post # 5
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it was a mistake to chastise them over their wedding timing. Their wedding will be after yours (unlike yours which is before your brother’s), so it’s a different situation and there’s no possibility of thunder stealing. Of course that doesn’t excuse their overreaction, but I still think the initial confrontation was a mistake.

Since your fiance wants to make peace – it’s his family, so it’s his decision. If HE is happy to make peace and invite them, then you should go with that. Invite them to your wedding. Your fiance will need to talk to them a little, but you can probably avoid talking to them altogether aside from quick greetings.

Post # 6
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I honestly sympathize because I think it was very considerate of you and your FI to keep your family members in the loop with regard to your wedding plans, and I think your FSIL’s FI sounds like a psycho.

Having said that, I don’t really feel like your 40 year-old FSIL needs to get an acknowledgement from you concerning her wedding date. She’s an adult with her own life and her own plans and it’s her choice as to whether or not she wants to give you a heads-up on her plans, plans that realistically don’t affect your wedding in any way.

I know it’s disappointing because you were respectful and considerate enough to give them a heads-up, but… I still don’t think they owe you anything.

As for your future in-laws having to extend their trip, that’s really not your problem and should (hopefully) have no bearing on your life or wedding. If that’s not convenient for them, they should be voicing it to their daughter and finding a solution with her – it really has nothing to do with you.

As difficult (or impossible) as it is, my suggestion is not to take on additional stress during an already stressful planning time but looking for reasons to be offended (their lack of acknowledgement, the extention of the trip, etc.). Now that you’re “taking a break” from your FSIL and her fiance, focus only on your own wedding and let them worry about theirs. 

Good luck.

Post # 9
292 posts
Helper bee

Just me:  I wouldn’t want to have to walk on eggshells and measure my every word contantly to maintain a relationship with anybody. Life is too short to live that way. 

You are super sweet to include and inform everyone of your plans, trying not to hurt people.

But expecting others to do exactly as you do, feel, and say (and you did this on a small scale, expecting them to let you know their plans) is unreasonable TO ME. This doesn’t mean I am right, but might open you up to living in a less “worried” state of “who are we going to irritate or who is going to irriate us next” –a person can’t live this way and feel peace with yourself or others.

I wish you happiness and hope you and your future husband find peace and don’t let his sister keep upsetting you.

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