Post # 1
Normally, I wouldn’t post about something like this, but I figured since this site is mostly anonymous and we are all brides, I was hoping I could seek advice or hope someone can relate. (This is a long story, so I’ll try to sum it up the best I can.)
I’m getting married (officially) in March, and having my ceremony October 2015. I have been estranged from my mother for the past couple of years. She has been a very toxic person in my life, and it was ultimately a very difficult decision and my life is filled with relief and happiness now that we no longer communicate. I’m a daddy’s girl, and my mother holds a great deal of jealousy between me and my father, thus making it difficult to communicate with my father because they are still married and he is trying his best to make us both happy. Most of my family that I’m close to lives out of state and when I cut off ties with my mother, she reached out to everyone in my family and has been spreading rumors and lies about me. I’ve always felt it was wrong to stoop to that level and keep the issues of my mother and I between us and a few of my close friends since I don’t have any brothers or sisters. Growing up wasn’t easy with her, and she has done a great deal of damage. 3 years ago before we cut ties a second time, I tried to sit her down and forgive her, as well as tried to apologize for anything that I have done wrong being a teenager and anything beyond the age of 18. The discussion ended with her telling me that she had done nothing wrong and I should be grateful to have a mother like her. A few months after that, she went behind my fathers back and did something I disagree with, and when I stood up to her and told her is wasn’t right what she was doing, she backfired in anger and threatened my personal life. This incident is the reason why I cut all ties with her and that’s when she started spreading rumors to everyone I know and love. My wedding is coming up in October and my family and close friends aren’t speaking to me because of the reputation she has said about me. I really want my father around, and I feel guilty for making him feel that he has to choose between two people he loves. She consistantly guilt trips him even to speaking to me over the phone and never comes to visit me. It’s been a very emotional and overwhelming for me, and I just want to start my marriage off with my family’s support. I’m extremely fortunate to have my loving fiance understand what I’m facing and supporting my decision about anything. I want my family to be there for my special day. How can I get my family to believe that my mother is lying and rebuild relationships that she’s destroying?
Post # 2
Southwesternbride15: Your close friends and family stopped talking to you because of what your mother said? How terrible. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like they were very supportive to begin with if they’re willing to take her word for it and cut off contact.
Since your mom has already put your business out there, tell them what really has been going on and why you no longer speak to her. Beyond that there isn’t much you can do. True friends will be there for you.
Post # 3
Sounds like an awful situation to be in, it seems like your mother genuinely believes she’s done nothing wrong, have you considered she may have a mental illness? I have a relative like this and it has caused many divides and can be very toxic. I know it’s hard to ask your father to take sides but maybe he could help you get your side across? It seems very unfair that you have to sacrifice your family for her. Hope you get it sorted *hugs*
Post # 4
spiffanee: Thank you so much for your kind reply back. 🙂 My fiancé said a very similar point that they don’t seem too supportive either. Last night, we were talking about how I submitted this post on the blog, and I was grateful that two people were kind enough to already reach out to me about the issue. Him and I are going over to my family in March to get married on paper first, because out west is a very big part of my life and I wanted my family to be part of it, since many of them wouldn’t be able to make it for the ceremony. While were out there, I believe telling them everything that’s going on is the best thing I can do out of the situation. My fiancé said, “Give them honesty, that’s all you can do, we come so far in our life together not for your mom to try to ruin our lives.” And I couldn’t agree more. I just hope when I go over there, my family will open their eyes about the situation.
Post # 5
DanniD94: Thank you so much also for your kind words :), you made a very valid point that I ponder often. (Probably the main reason I graduated with my degree in Psychology). It’s very likely I believe that she has a personality disorder or some other form of mental illness. The most I could identify to her with would be histrionic personality disorder. She’s an extremely emotional person, and often very dramatic. I wish I could ask my father to do that, but I’m scared that I’m putting him in more of a divide than he already is. He’s a very reserved man, and like my fiancé said last night is that it works to my mothers expense since he keeps to himself about all this while she’s running wild telling everyone rumors and lies.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry- that sucks. But I want to warn you- setting everyone straight (which will surely get back to your mom and cause more drama) is going to be an uphill battle- it sounds like your relatives are pretty gripped by moms claws or they would have given you the benefit of the doubt.
I know you want to be surrounded by family for your ceremony- that’s the ideal. But life is less than that very often, and I don’t want you to get so caught up in this expectation and hope that your wedding day is a sad disappointment if it doesn’t work out.
I would realign my expectations and hopes and tell myself “the people who truly support us will be there”. Invite your family, clear up rumors diplomatically, with out bashing mom, on the phone with the people you miss most, or write a letter explaining how much you miss them and how much it would mean if they attended.
But don’t get caught up in the fantasy of a hunkydory family wedding if your family is not in fact hunkydory. You’re making your own family now- look forward not back.
Post # 7
MrsBuesleBee: Thank you for your reply. 🙂 I appreciate your comments and I can agree with you that I shouldn’t have my expectations so high. I also agree that it would be wrong to bash my mother if I do decide to tell family members my side of the story. In the end, I understand I will have some people who are set in their ways, although it is very biased. I did have a meeting with one of my cousins and it turned out that she was very supportive about everything & that we are going to go at a slow pace of patching things up. And I completely agree that I’m starting a new family and that’s what I feel I should focus on. Thank you again for your support 🙂 *hugs*