- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Hi Hive! I posted about this topic a few months ago when I was grappling with what to do, but as we’re nearing my brother’s wedding date I have some difficult decisions to make, so I’m looking to get some advice/perspective.
To give some background, my brother and Future Sister-In-Law are getting married 3 months before me in a very similar location. In all honesty, I could care less about them getting married before I am, despite the fact that I was engaged first. What I am most upset about it the way they went about planning their wedding. My fiancé and I were very communicative about our plans, ideas, etc. We had our venue and location booked the day they got engaged, so it was no secret. My brother and Future Sister-In-Law were very evasive on the subject and made it seem as though their wedding was way off in the future. On more than one occasion my brother has lied straight to my face about their plans. I would have felt better if they had been more upfront with their ideas and plans, rather than feeling blindsided after it was too late to weigh in or voice my concerns. What adds to the burden is that my family and I are not all together thrilled with my Future Sister-In-Law. She and my brother have made some questionable life choices that go to the root of the hurt feelings. This is neither here nor there, but may give some perspective on why each choice they make feels more like a personal attack. It feels like my Future Sister-In-Law did this on purpose as kind of a dig at our family, but I may be reading into things too much since I am so close to the situation.
As I’ve said before, I understand that people get married every day, and our venue isn’t exactly “unique” however, I still feel hurt that they were so evasive. I also don’t understand their choice because it directly goes against everything my brother ever said he wanted. She is not from the area so their wedding location doesn’t have a specific significance for her either. It just seems (from my perspective) a little vindictive. My biggest concern has always been the affect these weddings will have on our families. Weddings are so expensive, even as a guest, and it hurts my feelings that people will be forced to choose between mine and his. In a perfect world, I’d like everyone important to him to be able to attend his, and everyone important to me to attend mine. But with the financial constraints that may not happen. It makes me sad for both of us. I guess what really gets me is that this is my own brother, not a cousin, or family friend, but someone who is in my immediate family.
For the past year or so we have spoken about 2 times, we’re on two completely different wavelengths. He doesn’t understand my perspective and I don’t understand his. To make matters worse, my parents and siblings haven’t spoken with him either. Aside from the wedding drama, there are other underlying factors that have caused my family to react so negatively. This is just one more nail in the coffin so to speak. Now their invitations have gone out and we need to decide whether to attend or not. I am in such a sticky situation! I honestly don’t want to go. Too much has happened, that I feel like it would be awkward for both sides. But I’m afraid it will look like I’m throwing a temper tantrum for not getting my way with the wedding. This is just not the case. I don’t really have a place for them in my life at this time because they cause too many problems outside of all this. Their negativity brings me down, so I made a conscious decision to not have them in my life. I’m afraid of the impact not going will have though, I realize by not going I am virtually severing all ties. Additionally, I don’t want my (possible) decision to not attend to affect the decision my siblings make or parents make. We are each entitled to make our own decision, and I have voiced this to all involved. Right now, one of my brothers has chosen to attend and the rest of us are still thinking.
Any advice hive? What would you do? What do you recommend my family should do?