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I was married to my husband on 11/12 and it was magical. I loved our wedding, the day, the friends we were surrounded by. And, honestly, it's the magic I think about most.
Of course, however, there just had to be drama. Honestly, I wasn't really expecting it. I was just finishing with my make up when my dad called to inform me that he's not coming because his tux doesn't fit. A bit of backstory: my dad is disabled and has a hard time talking. He has good days and bad days, but I know his condition, and I know he could have walked me down the aisle. I was planning on having him and my mom do it (they're divorced), so I ended up having my mom only. And honestly, it was great. My mom is not a crier, but she just couldn't stop herself on wedding day. And it reminded me just how special my mom is - another benefit from the wedding.
In any case, it comes out later that Dad was embarrased that he may not be able to say "we do" at the appropriate moment (never mind the fact that he could nod, and mom could talk). He just didn't want to be in front of people. Nevermind the fact that I'm getting married and I had hoped that my Dad would want to share that with me. Apparently not. It was infuriating and honestly, sad. So, I saw Dad at the reception, took a picture, and haven't seen him or talked to him since. I wish he would have said something a long time ago, if this was his plan, and not sprung it on me on the day of the wedding. Of course, I also had to cancel the Father/Daughter dance.
Fast forward to the end of our honeymoon, when we get a call from DH's brother letting us know that his mom, grandmother and brother felt "shit on" at the wedding. Turns out, they had been expecting us to introduce them during the wedding party intros? Brother wasn't in the wedding, and Mom refused to do the mother/son dance a few weeks before. We introduced the wedding party. That was it. Then, seems like she wanted DH and I to walk her around the reception and introduce her to all of our friends. This is not how I planned on spending the entirety of my wedding reception. Introduce yourself. Be outgoing. Seems like she didn't feel special enough at our wedding (nevermind being in the program, the corsage, and the reserved ceremony seating).
I type all of this to vent and to let everyone know that even if your family (or someone else) behaves ridiculously, your wedding can still be amazing. I married DH, we're a family now, and I couldn't be happier.
I'm shaking my head while reading your post...
Why do some people think YOUR wedding is all about THEM?? It never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be.
You can't please everyone and you certainly have a good attitude about it!
So glad it is everything you wanted, people can be so selfish...
@bluewolverine: I cpmpletley understand why you would be upset about the family saying they felt "shit on" so silly...you are right...go out and intorduce yourself.
On that note though i really hope you arent ignoring your dad because of what he did or did not do at the wedding.
My parents did not even do a welcome to the family speech for my wedding, even though i really wanted them to. You know why? bc they were nervous to be infront of people...and i knew that but i still asked them anyways. If anyone was in the wrong it was probably me. I know if i pushed it they probably would have agreed but they would not have enjoyed the day as they would have been so nervous...my dad was a wreck walking me down the aisle bc he was so scared. Forgive your dad for ditching at the last possible minute, its not worth the grief.
firstly i feel that you should cut your dad some slack - im guessing he was in a very tough place emotionally (never knowing if your body will let you down or not is upsetting) and although you say you know his condition and you knew could have walked you down the aisle and said we do on cue he didnt feel he could and i cant help feeling a bit sorry for him right now as im guessing hes feels disappointed about it already. i understand you are disappointed as well but you said yourself he has a disability
as far as your inlaws go - its not about them, its not your job to walk them around and introduce them to everyone. hopefully they will settle down about this and let it go
I understand everyone saying I should cut Dad some slack. I hugged him at the reception and hung out for a bit. However, I do feel that he can call me. I'm not ignoring him; but I would answer the phone and would appreciate an apology. My dad has a bit of a history of behaving in his own interest without really thinking how it will affect others, and this is the first time he's done it to me.
Oh, he also left the reception without saying goodbye to me or DH.
I'm sorry. That all sucks balls.
Based on what you've said about your dad, I don't think it'll occur to him to apologize. What he did was hurtful and inconsiderate. But is it realistic to expect that he will be sorry? Sometimes people we love behave in ways that are unfair to us, that hurt us. At a certain point we have to accept what the limits are of what they're capable of doing. Example: my mom never apologizes for anything, and has done some really bad stuff. There's no point of me getting angry that she'll never say sorry, because it's getting angry over something that will never happen. I have had to learn to accept it and limit my contact with her.
Your in-laws need to grow up. There's a lot of stuff going on at a wedding, it's not your obligation to introduce them, and you're not a mind-reader. I've never heard of it being customary during a wedding to introduce the in-laws to everyone. They're adults, haven't they ever heard of "socializing"? And, uh, weddings have long-time friends and family; I'm sure they knew at least a few ppl.
Let me get this straight-
You're angry at your DISABLED dad who CANT SPEAK because he was embarrassed of the way he looked and his inability to speak with so many people around and plus you had to cancel the father/daughter dance.
Are you for real?
How do you think HE FELT when his little girl got married and he couldn't even walk her down the aisle or say two words?
And you're also upset because your inlaws are mad that you didn't introduce them?
Geez can't you see that it's BAD FORM not to introduce your new in-laws. Even if your mother in law didn't want to do a mother/son dance. She may not have wanted to be at the center of attention with that dance but at the same time didnt want to sit in a corner either.
Ive said it once and ill say it again-- It may be the bride and groom's "big day" but that doesn't give the newlyweds the right to treat others with disrespect.
It doesn't take but a few minutes to make some introductions as you're "working" your way around the room. It's not about making someone else feel "special" on "your day"--it's about manners and courtesy.
Seriously you owe your in-laws an apology and an even bigger one to your dad.
@Neutrina: seriously? The bride was supposed to walk around the entire wedding with her inlaws and introduce them as they went? Was the entire wedding only her friends and family? Were they the only people there who didn't know others? Perhaps she should have had a speech to go around the room introducing everyone to everyone else? I can't even understand how on her wedding day she should have been introducing her mother in law to everyone there.
I suppose a lot of it comes down to how you view the wedding... is it all about the bride and groom or is it about two families joining together? I suppose there are cultural and family differences there.
Some brides think it's all about them... It somehow tends to be the groom's family that gets insulted. :P
Be considerate of where you seat people, acknowledge them and try to include everyone especially family members. If you hide your inlaws in the back corner or ignore them the whole night, expect drama.
That's one thing I really prefer with Spanish weddings... friends come second to family. The parents are up front, not bridesmaids or groomsmen. The head table is the married couple and their parents - all at one table with both parties being equally important as it should be.
The OP didn't say that she sat her inlaws in the back of the room, the inlaws wanted to be introduced when the bridal party walked in the reception. They wanted the bride and groom to introduce them personally to every guest there. This isn't about the bride wanting it to be only about her, this is about the inlaws clearly thinking it should have been a lot more or all about them.
really? I don't know about you but at my wedding I'm not going to have my in laws at my elbow the whole time introducing them. The guests at your wedding are there to see you...not your in laws. They should have introduced themselves to people if they wanted it to be known that they were the extended family. To op: your dad is possibly embarrassed that he couldn't be there for you on your wedding day. Cut him some slack.
No. It's about the groom's family feeling "shit on." Obviously something wasn't done right if they felt ignored and unimportant.
I think it's reasonable to expect some recognition or special attention towards the closest members of your new family. Special seating? Having their names on the program? That is the absolute minimum. I seriously doubt they expected her to escort them around all night, but a five minute introduction "hey come meet my aunt and uncles!" seems appropriate, especially if you know they're shy people. I know I'll be introducing my family to his at some point during the night.
I think the attitude of "even if your family (or someone else) behaves ridiculously, your wedding can still be amazing" pretty much sums it up that she does not care how her family felt at her big day. I would have apologized to them if they felt that way... even if it was not my intention. She even mentions her poor father has performance anxiety and that's his fault, too.
Whatever, I just think family is the most important part of a wedding. Others feel different and that "the family" is only the bride and groom. Brides should be a little more considerate and sensitve to other's feelings.... it's NOT all about the bride.
Here is why I'm not getting where you're coming from -
Seems like she didn't feel special enough at our wedding (nevermind being in the program, the corsage, and the reserved ceremony seating).
They WERE in the program, they had reserved seating, were given flowers/corsages. The complained that they were "shit on" because they weren't introduced with the bridal party..or walked around to each guest. I think that preferred seating, corsages and a note in the program is acceptable. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree here.
@Neutrina: Re: dad: She even said in her original post that it wasn't so much that he didn't speak, it's that he said he'd do it and cancelled on her right before the wedding. Yes, that's reasonable grounds to be upset at him. It's understandable to be disappointed that your dad won't walk you down the aisle. He was ashamed, and hopefully once the hurt subsides, the OP can see how sad it is that his disability is such a source of shame for him.
Re: in-laws. Honestly, I had no idea it would be considered rude not to introduce them. I've never been to a wedding where the couple towed the in-laws around and introduced them to everyone. An apology for the sake of keeping the peace may be necessary, an "I'm sorry we did not introduce you, it was not our intention to hurt you. We didn't know it was proper etiquette until later, etc.". Personally, I think the in-laws are being overly sensitive.
@lia22: Exactly. And honestly who the eff cares? The last few weddings Ive been to, it was easily discernable who were the parents/siblings of the groom/bride..but I had no interest in talking to them. I wont likely be seeing them ever again, and I didnt come to meet and greet with their parents.
@sugarpeach: Sometimes its better to just let things go. One cannot please everyone, all the time. If they felt slighted, but the bride legitimately feels they did nothing wrong, then there is nothing to be done and shrug it off. I think its great that the OP still had a wonderful time at HER wedding despite her family drama. At my wedding were not doing programs...do I care if my FMIL feels she wont be acknowledged? No, not really. Her wedding has come and gone. My friends arent there to see her. And honestly, all programs get thrown away anyway.
Yea...my FMIL can kiss my booty if she thinks I'm walking her around to our guests and introducing her. And my FI's family is Spanish, so if they get offended, so be it.
OP, I'm glad you're not letting it get to you. I would cut your dad some slack, but I don't think you're over-reacting. It was sprung onto you at a bad time so close to walking down the aisle. As for the in-laws, I don't see where the entitlement comes from on their end. Unless they paid and were the hosts I don't see why they would expect to be specially introduced. My FMIL wants a handful of people to be introduced by the DJ, and I don't know why, but needless to say they will not be.
@MsNarwhal-
I've been to well over 80 weddings of family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers etc.
In virtually all of them the bride and groom took a few minutes at some point during the reception to introduce their new in-laws. In particular if the in laws new very few people at the reception.
Granted, it was a while ago (last wedding i attended was over 12 years ago if i remember correctly).
Now i recognize "manners" may have changed considerably in the past 30 years or so. I also recognize that alot of younger people today (in their 20s) are clueless about "etiquette" "respect" and "manners". Not all. but quite a bit.
The fact that it is YOUR WEDDING does not in any way shape or form excuse you from displaying good manners and respect towards those who came to celebrate with you. You see--even though it's YOUR DAY, you are SHARING that day with family and friends. They did not come to "see you" they came to "celebrate with you" there is a difference.
It doesn't take but a few minutes to introduce those that took time out of their BUSY LIVES to help make your day SPECIAL. The appropriate thing to do is to treat them with equal RESPECT.
Problem is--far too many brides become egotistical, selfish, uncultured primadonnas on their wedding day displaying such low level of "class" that it is truly astonishing to witness. Weddings sometimes have a way of bringing out the worst in behavior in people-including poor behavior on the part of bride and groom.
Now if you believe that because it is your day you have every right to treat others like trash or disregard the feelings of those you call your friends and family, then consider this--
If you wish to feel like a Queen on your wedding day then act like one.
When royalty, presidents and other dignitaries have celebrations in their honor they ALWAYS have all their guests introduced upon arrival and even if that includes doing re-introductions themselves here and there as celebrations proceed.
Yes i have been to black tie parties with dignitaries involved. Their is a strict etiquette code from introductions to how one eats. I have never seen the host of a party, or the guest of honor act like a 5 year old child and pronounce--
"i am not going to introduce anyone cuz i don't have to ITS MY DAY and they CAME TO SEE ME!"
The only thing missing here is stomping your feet.
Then a bride expects people to believe that she is MATURE ENOUGH to handle a marriage when she can't even be mature enough to display a certain level of respect towards guests that took time out of their busy lives to honor the couple and share in the celebration?
By the way- no matter how "beautiful" a bride looks on the outside on her wedding day, she can turn into an ugly duckling with no class pretty quickly when displaying poor behavior.
Do you think that all your guests will stick around if they feel humilitated?
Flagging this thread for the fourth time due to respondent's inappropriately aggressive and instigating tone. OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope that you and your dad, and your in-laws, work things out OK.
For your information, the only reason my FMIL is even being invited in the first place is because I said she should be. FI isn't even sure he wants her there. She has treated my FI and I, not to mention our children, like absolute crap from the moment we became an item. Six years and obvious family event snubs later, she should appreciate the fact that she will even get to see her son get married. And that is not entitlement on my part. Frankly, I would be embarrased to introduce her to anyone on my wedding day. Most people at the wedding don't want to meet her because of the other few times that they have seen her. So I stand behind my completely immature statement that she can kiss my booty. Their names will be in the program and they get nice seating at the ceremony and reception. The end.
As for the "racism comment," if you read a few comments before mine someone pointed out how 'family oriented' a Spanish wedding is. That is why I specified that my FI and his family are Spanish. Maybe a normal Spanish wedding is family oriented, but my FI's family is anything but.
@Neutrina: God you are rude. Clearly etiquette doesnt apply to you.
These boards are for advice. Also, you may want to read the TOS regarding we treat eachother on these boards and what is/isnt okay. Case in point = tearing down almost every other PP in your comment is not how we talk to eachother here.
A few things mentioned don't really equate in my brain about what you've said,OP. Your Dad DID see you get married,didn't he? You said he was at the reception, so he didn't even watch the ceremony even tho he didn't walk you? If he was at the reception, why did you have to cancel the F/D dance?
At every reception I've ever attended, both sets of parents and Grandparents have been introduced along with the BP during their entrance. It doesn't matter if everyone always knows who they are, it's a nice, 2 minute recognition of the couple's families. That might have solved the problem of your IL's and their feeling slighted. Mentioning names in a program, getting them a flower and reserving seating at the ceremony are normal, but an introduction of some sort would have been nice (somehow,somewhere), so I really don't blame them.
I'm glad your wedding was magical (and that's how it should be), but I hope you resolve these bad feelings with your Dad and IL's sooner rather than later.
Hi Neutrina -- please consult the commenting policies for all bees, which apply across the board in what are the privately owned message boards of Weddingbee.com.
Ok, I'm going to try my best to ignore the drama brought on by the above poster and give my 2 cents to the OP:
OP, I feel really sorry about your dad. Clearly the man was embarrassed by his handicap. He didn't really go about it in the best way possible, but I really think that you should cut him some slack, like some PPs suggested. He probably feels like a tiny little speck for what happened. I understand that you would be upset as well. Maybe it's time to have a talk with him.
As for the MIL and brother- ok. I introduced DH's parents when I introduced the bridal party, so I skipped what could have potentially been major drama. Honestly, tho, her name in the program, the corsage and the special seating should have been enough. I wouldn't go around to someone else in my family's wedding and expect to be introduced. It's called SOCIALIZING. Everyone probably figured out she was the mother of the groom. It's not so much "respecting your elders" because sometimes people use age as an excuse to behave poorly and rudely. I think she was recognized enough.
Wow. I had no idea this would incur such strong feelings.
I, too, have been to many weddings, and I don't ever remember parents being introduced with the wedding party. Honestly, if I had known it would have been a big deal to her, I would have done it to keep the peace. Honestly, I didn't think she wanted to be spotlighted at all, as she refused to do the mother/son dance (two weeks before the wedding) because she didn't want everyone looking at her - and, as she says, she doesn't dance. Keep in mind that we also have DH's brother saying we should have introduced him as well. That, I completely don't understand.
As for my Dad, I think maybe you might understand a bit more if you knew him, which I know is impossible. You cannot tell that my dad is disabled by looking at him, or from how he walks. He had a stroke, and it affects his speech. He can talk, but sometimes it is hard. Trust me, I get that he might have been nervous, but not a single person in the audience would have known anything. My mom could have, and would have, answered the Reverend and he would have sat down. The father/daughter was cancelled because Dad didn't want to do it. He was relieved. I had tried to plan it so that he and I would only be up there alone for about 60 seconds, in consideration of his nerves, but he didn't want to. I'm disappointed and sad that my Dad sprung the ceremony refusal on me two hours before the wedding. If you think that's me being a horrible person, then so be it.
One of the ironies in all of this is that it was my goal that everyone feel loved and have fun. In no way did I think that not introducing my MIL into the reception would cause this much crap. I would have done it had I known. Given that, I do think her reaction is incredibly overblown, especially given that she declined to be a focus by refusing to do the dance. I never wanted my Dad to feel ashamed; I just hoped my Dad would want to be with me on my wedding day, and that he wouldn't let his stroke stop him. My Poppa could barely walk my cousin down the aisle, but he did it because he was proud and wanted to be there. I guess I was hoping for something like that.
@Neutrina: First of all, wow, I can't believe your comment is still up. I honestly can't, multiple personal attacks and it hasn't been edited? Calling everyone out for being disrespectful and showing poor etiquette is exactly that - disrespectful and shows a lack of etiquette.
I think I have been to one wedding in which non-wedding party members were introduced. We did not do so at my wedding (I too had siblings not in the wedding party) and to my knowledge, no one minded. I find it very odd that the in-laws expected to be personally introduced to all the guests.
I find it really, really, sad that your dad lied to you and backed out last-minute. How sad for you on one of the biggest days of your life. I think you would have felt better had he at least told you the truth as to why he couldn't be there.
I'm sorry that you had some unhappy moments during the wedding and hope that married life is going happily!
@Neutrina: your comments show just how little you actually have in way of manners, respect and etiquette. Pot, meet kettle
@bluewolverine: You've handled the rude comments here with a lot of class.
Sorry to hear about the drama you had to deal with, but it sounds like your wedding was great anyway. i hope you can patch things up with your dad - sounds like his nervousness got the best of him and he couldn't get past it.
Though I don't agree with most of her comments, I do agree with Neutrina that your DH's mom should have been introduced along with the wedding party. I'm not saying she had to be at your elbow being introduced to every guest, but as the wedding party walked in, your parents and his parents should have been introduced. I've never been to a wedding where this hasn't been done. Though it may be a regional thing, I would definitely notice if only the bridal party was introduced...especially if the families were there.
At our wedding, we introduced our grandmothers, our parents and the bridal party as we entered the reception. So I kind of get where your in-laws are hurt by not being introduced.
As for your dad, I'm sorry that he bailed on you last minute. I know that your feelings are very hurt (mine would be as well), but I also tend to feel sorry for him. It's hard when you go from a vibrant person to one who is confined by the side effects of a stroke. I see it with my husband's Nana every day and she always gets so frustrated. Her mind is still very much intact, but her lips won't let her say what she wants. It's like being trapped in your own brain without being able to communicate properly. So while I think he should have gave you better notice, I do understand why he was embarrassed. If you can, cut him a bit of slack on this one.
I think given the information you had at present ( ie your ceremony) you made the right desision.
However, to smooth things over, Call your MIL up and apologise, tell her what you told us.... that you did not realize that it would hurt her feelings and you thought that she would not have felt comfortable especially with her feelings twrods the dances. Say you should have consulted her on this, and that you are sorry for the oversight.
As for your dad, the timeing is terrible, but mabey you should talk to him too, tell him why you are hurt and that you love him.
and OP: Good job on handleing the comments on this thread. :)
@2PeasinaPod: Maybe it is a regional thing - I've been to a lot of weddings in my 40 years and I can count on one hand how many times the parents have been introduced at the reception.
As a PP stated, the parents already have flowers and their names in the program - our parents were also walked down the aisle by my husband and stood in the receiving line with us. There should be no doubt who the parents are.
OP, as you've seen in this thread, perhaps your inlaws expected to be introduced, perhaps that's the norm where they're from or weddings they've attended. At this point, I would apologize to them, tell them you didn't realize it was important to them, point out that the weddings you've attended, it hasn't been done, and just try to smooth things over.
Ive never heard of the extended family being introduced since the bridal party is usually introduced after everyone is already seated. Im going to pass on the whole introduction thing entirely..I hated being introduced as a bridesmaid in my friends weddings..
Seriously, I have flagged Neutrina's posting multiple times and nothing has been done by the mods. This is super frustrating.
@MsNarwhal: me too. I can't believe it's been up for over a day. I hope it's just that they're busy/with family and not that it's somehow not in violation of the ToS.
Really surprised how many people introduced parents at the wedding - I'm in the same region as @milesbella: and like her, it's very rare. The one I went to that did do that was very fancy, large, and in a big city. So maybe it is a regional thing. You learn something new on the Bee every day!
It definitely must be a regional thing. In that case, just explain to your MIL that you didn't know this was important to her and try to smooth things over. I know you weren't intentionally trying to be rude, but feeling were clearly hurt, and it wouldn't be a bad thing to apologize.
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