- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
This is kind of going to be long, but I’m separating it by paragraphs. I can’t begin to explain how stressed out I am from everything as it relates to wedding planning. This is technically my second wedding that I’ve planned. My first wedding was canceled 3 months before we got married (Our son passed away the year we were supposed to get married and we just couldn’t survive as a couple afterwards). My parents lost their deposits, but that was the most that of the damage done from that wedding ending. Minus the whole “beginning of the distance between myself and the family.”
I don’t have a very good relationship with my family. I moved out my junior year of high school and lived with my grandparents for the remainder of my high school. It wasn’t until I had a child that I actually developed a relationship with my family. I have 2 sisters. We fight like cats and dogs and I’m not talking fighting with our mouths. My older sister is the one I have the most issues with. We have years of unresolved issues and she is not mentally right. To her, she’s still a cheerleader in high school dating the quarterback. She never finished high school and married young and ended up having children that she never wanted with him and they later divorced after the second one was born. She now lives with my parents and is in the whole “I get my life back” stage and she leaves my parents to raise her kids. They enable her though but that’s a totally separate situation.
My fiance wanted to elope. I did too but then my mom made the comment that she guesses she’ll never see her child get married. So, we compromised on doing a small ceremony with immediate family only in Jamaica and coming home and having a huge reception. Well that idea was squashed so we changed plans. I tried getting married in the city I finished HS in, but we were too late and things were booked up. My fiance’s FIL wanted us to get married where my fiance grew up bc they could get us great deals with vendors and our wedding would cost next to nothing. This infuriated my mother bc that meant she’d have to drive and they wouldn’t, plus there wasn’t any hotel rooms that out of town guests could stay. So, we compromised and chose a venue that required both parties to drive, including myself and my fiance.
My mom has not been involved in our plans. She was initially upset bc I had a wedding dress and didn’t want to wear that one anymore and she was determined for me to wear it. I sold it and lost 50%, but purchased my own dress on my own. This was a disaster dress shopping bc every dress I loved, she hated, and everyone she loved I hated. I ended up buying a dress by myself and just sent her the picture after I bought it (I got a store sample). She saw me in the dress at my bridal portraits and just say “ehh”
Second issue has been with my BM. Only reason I’m having them is bc I wanted them and had 2 sisters that my mom was determined had to be in the wedding. My older sister was going to be the BM and my younger sister was my MOH. Well I had a fallen out with my sister and she said she didn’t want to be a BM anymore. Fine. My younger sister stepped up and she and I have had our issues, but she’s now saying that she doesn’t want to be my MOH bc she doesn’t want to give a toast at the wedding bc she can’t lie in front of everyone and tell them that I’m a good person. She said I was a snob and that I think I’m better than everyone. (She has a lot of unresolved issues with thinking my parents did more for me than her.) We have a lot of rivalry. Her latest issue was that I posted a pic of my nephew in a shirt tuxedo and said that my mom wants him to wear this to my wedding. It wasn’t directed towards my sister bc my nephew had a hat that my fiance wants to wear bc “it’s only fair bc I have a veil that he has a hat.” He’s just being silly and so was I, but she was so upset that I put a picture up and this is why she dropped her status in the wedding.
Third issue was my mom and the catering. She sent me a menu. I sent it to the cater and my FIL said he was going to cook a pig to help alleviate costs bc my mom has given me a ridiculously low budget which has caused my future in laws to want to help. This ticked my parents off bc they haven’t met yet and now they’re terrified to meet them bc they don’t know what lies I’ve told my inlaws. My parents let my sisters gang up on me and they never intervene.
My mom will never attend any meetings to involve her in the planning, and then complain with what I do have planned. My fiance has said that ever since we have been together, I’ve had some kind of family drama. He’s nervous that bc my family lacks a filter, they will say something at the wedding or start a fight and the night will be ruined. My sisters literally don’t care who’s watching. He said that my family needs counseling bc there’s a lot of unresolved hatred and despite distancing myself from the family, it hasn’t changed.
This wedding is dividing my family. I’ve told my mother that I love my future inlaws. They’re quiet, they call me to check on me every week (my mom never calls), and they’re just very laid back. My mom hasn’t ever involved herself in the plans, yet when I say I need to hire someone to decorate the pavillion of the reception hall bc it has 12 foot ceilings, she’ll say that’s ridiculous we can decorate it ourselves. We can’t get in our venue till 8 that day and my wedding is at 3. Plus the money we’d spend in supplies to decorate would be outrageous. It’s just easier and less stressful to just hire someone and not have to worry about taking it home with us. I sent my mom invitations to order and she changed the design of it and the alignment, so when they printed, they were completely off centered and the paper was cheap feeling. I’ve yet to be able to give my mom an Option A or Option B without her wanting to throw in an Option C.
I don’t know what to do. I’m more terrified at what my family will do at my wedding than anything else. If I could afford my own wedding, I just wouldn’t invite them bc they’ve yet to show me that they’re on board with the wedding and value my happiness. I can’t reach a happy medium. I suggested trying family counseling to see if we could learn to communicate and they refuse to go. They said it’s not long now till I don’t share their last name so I’m not their problem anymore.