Family drama – mother and sister are really hurting me.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@anonymous8907:  Tell them (nicely) to back off and let you enjoy married life. They say you’re awful at communicating… Well communicate now. This has to stop before relationships are ruined beyond repair. Sorry you’re going through this. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

From someone that also ended up crying from family related stress during what should have been nothing but a happy time – distance yourself. From your description it sounds like they dislike change, and you getting married is a huge change. Until they’ve come to terms with that, there’s nothing you can really do to improve the relationship. I know they are family, but sometimes you need to step back from family as well. If they make you hurt more than they make you feel good, it’s not a healthy relationship. Focus on your husband, friends and new life for now. 

EDIT: And I agree with the previous bee, communicate your need for space.

 

Post # 5
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, that sounds so frustrating and hurtful! I would be so mad if my family refused to set aside their differences for just one day. It sounds like they are being really immature. I  mean, I also see that family is very, very important to them and depending on where you are from I suppose they could genuinely see not inviting your whole extended family as an insult. But, all that aside, weddings are expensive. I got married in MA, but my whole family is in and from California. Most of my family wasn’t able to come for our wedding so we decided that in the next year we will do a second celebration with them– I’ll wear my dress, we’ll have cake and even though it won’t be the same, it is our way to say “we love you and you are important to us.” Is that a possibility for you and your husband at some point? 

The other thing is, if you haven’t already, tell your mom and your sister how hurt you feel. If they don’t know they can’t change. But, also if they aren’t willing to stop with their current behavior I think you have to be willing to say, until this stops I need to limit my contact with you. We have had to do that with my husband’s mom. It is really awful, but it has greatly reduced the stress we face as newlyweds.  

Post # 7
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Wow. To be honest, your mom and sister sound like pieces of work. I’m sure they’re lovely people, but they are being absolutely ridiculous and frankly, rude to you. While I can understand that they would’ve felt out of place as the only two members of your family at your wedding, it’s in the past. Your wedding is over, and they need to get over it. They should also be grateful that you chose to include them in the celebration of your marriage rather than eloping – it is not you who is causing drama, it is them. I’m sure the rest of your family is happy for you that you are married to a wonderful guy, and they’d love to celebrate with you the next time you’re in the country.

As for the lack of communication, you need to tell them that you are not willing to spend $80 on a phone call when it could be done for free. Your sister pays no rent and refuses to get internet? Fine. Go to a library, they offer free computer use. Go to an internet cafe, it’s cheap to make a Skype call. But you should not have to waste your money when they have to spend nothing and treat you like dirt before and after the call. Also, you are an adult. You do not need to focus 100% on your mother and sister. I am assuming that they are also adults, and they need to grow up and realise that you now have your own life in addition to your life with your family.

What I can suggest is that you subscribe to Skype. You can call landlines with a small fee and that be cheaper for you than getting an international phone plan, which is crazy expensive.

Post # 8
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@anonymous8907:I feel like I owe it to them to fix it at my end, but i guess if i’ve tried everything, then perhaps its something at their end that they are unaware of.”

I know that when two sides aren’t getting along the general rule is that both parts have done things that have offended the other side. But from your post I really don’t see what you’ve done wrong! You were in a situation where one side of the family would have had to travel regardless, and you went with the option that I assume was least stressful for you. We had a destination wedding and if I could go back and change that I would, it just added so much more stress to the entire planning period/event. So, from your post I don’t really see what you can fix. You sound like a genuinely nice person that wants to do the right thing, but sometimes you have to come to the sombre conclusion that you’re not the problem – someone else is. Now, if your family is nothing but negative energy – why bend over backwards to please them? Take the celebration party money and do something nice with it instead!

Post # 9
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My mom and my sis were crappy about my last wedding and this really tugs at my heart. They didn’t want to participate in any of the planning, my sister refused to purchase the dress I’d chosen and I didn’t even SEE what she was wearing until she got dressed the day of the wedding (it was awful), they didn’t want to decorate the hall. It got to the point where I was sitting there all dressed in my white dress unsure if I had to go start throwing up streamers and things myself! They didn’t do my showers, etc… It was just RIDICULOUS behavior and so hurtful because I’d done EVERYTHING for my sister’s wedding 2 years prior.

I have to tell you, I was hurt about this for YEARS. I literally carried around this anger over 10-12 YEARS and I don’t want you to do that! You have to find a way to resolve these bad feelings now before they blossom into something bigger. I used to be a major conflict-avoider so I didn’t SAY anything about it…just made snippy little remarks about it from time to time so when I finally just blew up over it 10 years later, I probably looked a little “cuckoo”.

Have a heart-to-heart with your mother NOW about their behaviors so you guys can put things on the table prior to having this extra event. I predict nothing but stress & misery at this event unless you do so. Either way, you’re family and you’ll all be ok when all is said and done but best get it all out before it festers.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors