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Ugh. Sorry this is happening, they're out of line and weddings do CRAZY things to people. Seriously, most of us have been there. I'd consider one of two things:
1) Have a MOH and a BM and have your sister be the BM or
2) Only have your friend as MOH. Do not give in.
Given what's happened though, I'm leaning more towards #1 myself.
I'd just have them both. Of course, I try to avoid drama.
Or you could talk to your sister again. Tell her you do want her to be part of your wedding and had hoped she would do the readings, and hope she believes this is what you wanted all along and not something you are doing to appease her now.
I'd include your sister. Really, is another BM going to complicate your ceremony? I think it is important to include family.
Have you talked to your sister again? It sounds like you just got the info from your parents. I'd call her again and say you're just calling to double check about the BM situation and make sure she's still fine if you ask a friend instead of her. If she still says nothing to you about disappointment, I guess you could go ahead and ask your friend.
You're still including her in the ceremony, but you're not having her stand up with you. I think it's totally fine to keep things the way they are. You're still going to have your sis be a very important part of the ceremony, in the program, and in all the family photos. Maybe have a special pic of you, FI, MOH, BM , sister and your FI's siblings (if he has any)?
I'd talk to your sis again and try to get her to tell you what it is that's bothering her about your decision. Does she want to help you plan? Does she want to help you get ready? Ask her what she wants to be a part of and make sure you try to include her in ways that are important to her. Really, the only thing she'll be missing out on is buying a bridesmaids dress and holding a bouquet from the sound of things...
I hate when family stuff like this comes up. It's like people forget what the day is supposed to really be about. You approached your sister in the best way possible and it seems like she's making it about her. It sounds so bridezilla to say it but the day really is about you and your SO. You should do what works best for you.
Tough situation. I understand you wanting to have a simple ceremony but also see how your sister and mom's feelings are hurt. Would having 2 people be so bad? It would still be very simple and it would be the closest people to you standing up with you.
In the end, you need to do what is right for you. But it might be best to at least consider your sister's feelings on this.
Well, my fiance has 2 brothers so then if we had 2 each, he'd have to choose between his brothers or not have his best friend and only pick the 2 brothers, which isn't fair to him. It just seemd like only having 1 each fit so well.
However, maybe I should just have no one if it's going to cause this many problems.
@ssmiss: I wouldn't throw your plan away yet. What if you talked to your sister, explained your logic and then asked her to be part of the wedding in a different way? Such as doing a reading.
To me, it sounds like she just wants to be a part of her sister's day and that isn't unreasonable. Give it some time for your mom to digest, when she called you, she was probably just knee-jerk reacting to your sister being upset. Calmly explain your vision and it can work it!
Agree with PinkPinstripes. But if you are willing to go with none, maybe you should be open to having an uneven number. Neither will ruin the day.
Well, speaking from your sister's perspective, my sister made her best friend MOH over me (I was a BM). I didn't cause any drama about it, but my sister and I have always been close, and I had always assumed that we would be each other's MOH. it really hurt. Really, really. So maybe talk to your sister again (with the opening now that your parents told you she was upset, so it's ok to be honest) and see if you can find out what's really bothering her. Maybe its that she had always looked forward to being a part of your wedding, or maybe she thinks you are choosing your friend over her? If you can find out the reason she is upset, you can determine if it would be better to have 2 attendants, or give her a different role, etc.
I'm sorry your Mom was so mean about it though. Calling you hateful when you had already tried to talk to your sister about it was completely uncalled for.
I hate when that happens, it is tottally understAndable and normal. Why dont you get kids to help you at church ceremony, it will look cute,original and nobody will be fitting.
I'm going to be honest with you, Growing up it was always my sister and I we didn’t have the strongest relationship, but we are still SISTERS!! If my sister asked her best friend to be MOH over me I would be hurt. I am a firm believer that blood is thicker than water. If I were in your shoes I would ask my sister to be my MOH or have your sister as your MOH and your bf as a BM.
I'm going to amend my previous post. I think you should not give in to the passive aggressive bs going on here. Tell your sister what your plan was, and that you still want her to do the readings. Then stick with your best friend, the one who has been close to you for the longest, as your MOH and have no one else.
@ssmiss: I think that you selected your friend as MOH for a reason, so I would stand by that. If anything, you can make your sister a BM. That's still a really small wedding party. My mom also had the view that all of us should have been BMs at my little sister's wedding last month. I disagreed...it's not an automatic role, it's based on the people who you feel most comfortable with having stand with you on one of the most important days of your life....and the fact of the matter is...sometimes that's not family.
i think it makes it even easier given that your FI isn't having his brothers either. i think you should find a different way to include all 3 siblings in the wedding (readings, ushers, etc) and just stick with your two best friends as the MOH/BM.
i must say, this makes me appreciate the fact that i have zero female relatives in my generation.
I agree with the ladies that think it is best to include her, in the long run the wedding is about your entire family too! It is your day but would you rather have a slightly simplier ceremony (2 minutes shorter) or have your entire family happy and excitied that day? Unless it is really an uphill battle you want to fight for all of your wedding planning I would do what makes everyone happy. Planning a wedding is like a marriage, you have to pick your battles.
I think you should have her. It sounds like the biggest reason why you don't want to ask, is because your FI happens to have two bros (not one) and a BF. And because of the uneveness, you'd rather just go with one bestie a piece. Ehh. I don't think that's a very good reason. Have her. Make the party uneven.
I would be hurt too, if my sister didn't have me as BM. You wouldn't be a little hurt if she didn't ask you? What if she decided to have a large wedding party and didn't ask you?
Your wedding parties don't have to be the same size, especially at a casual affair.
Good luck, though! We had some drama, too, because we both come from huge families with tons of siblings.
My mom is disappointed that I didn't ask my sister to be in the wedding either, but personally, she's always resented me and never once reached out me. I've called, left messages, sent gifts, invitations to visit my beach house, and she actually DELETES my facebook comments from her page (the ones inviting her to my house). All of her actions indicate that she's not interested in a relationship. The way I see it, I want people up there and around me who have my best interest at heart, and if that's not her, so be it.
I think that asking your sister to be a reader in your ceremony is a great compromise, and your mother has raised expectations. Sounds like your father is great at putting things into perspective.
@ssmiss
I am so sorry for what you are going through, I had asked my best friend to be my MOH and my sister to be a BM and my mother threw a fit. I still have not made much progress on the situation. It is driving my sister and I crazy! My sister is totally fine with not being the MOH she said she doesnt want the responsibility. My mother is really stubborn I dont know what were going to do. My best friend is so great she said if my mother didnt settle down she didnt mind just being a BM. I also talked to my dad about it ( he has always been the voice of reason in the family ) So for now I'm letting my dad handle it, if anyone knows how to handle my crazy mother its him
I would say your sister. It's your wedding but it means as much to you as it does to them. your best friend should understand.. b/c they will be with you through thick and then.. and yes your mother is emotional, but she just wants to see her girls happy. good luck
@Tanya123: I agree completely with your statement. I don't see anything wrong with making the parties uneven.
I understand your rationale completely, but I really think you should reconsider. When my sister got married, we were not as close as she was to some of her friends, but I was still her MOH. It was incredibly special and brought us closer together. I would have been so hurt if I hadn't been asked to stand by her side that day.
If you and your sister had a terrible relationship, then I could maybe understand, but from what you said, it doesn't sound like that's the case. I think it would mean a lot to her to be included in your day as a member of the wedding party, and I think this is one case where you should definitely give in. Your wedding is about you and your hubby first and foremost, but it's also about your families, and I think really including them is incredibly important.
I'm going to disagree with most people and say stick to how you want it - your best friend as MOH. The last thing you want on your wedding day is to resent having to have BM/MOH's you didn't want in the first place. I completely get having to balance family expectations against what you want, and do understand that family (particularly parents) also have an emotional investment in the day. but you don't want someone beside you that is there because your mother thought she should be. like someone else said, being a relative is NOT an automatic entitlement to being in the wedding party.
Wow I'm feeling you on this. My mom is upset that I didn't put my two sisters in my wedding. This conversation just went down a week ago.They are much older than me.. like 10 years and 15 years older than me, so I kinda grew up as an only child just because by the time I was 8 no one was left in the house. But one of my sisters and I are not close at all. and my other sister doesn't care if I put her in the wedding or not, she isn't like that. I never even thought having my sisters in the wedding was an expectation from people.I honestly picked two of my closest friends and didn't even think about putting my sisters in the wedding.My two friends are excited about everything for me and are willing to sit there and put together 200 boxes if I needed and wouldn't say a bad thing about it or wish they weren't helping me.
I know a lot of people say oh but that is family and that is your sister. But in the end do what you want, or I am. That doesn't make my sisters any less important to me. I want them sitting next to my family enjoying the day.
This is a crappy situation and I hope it works out the way you want it to and feel good about it.
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I didn't ask my sister to be my bridesmaid. I am having a small wedding and am a very simple and practical person. I don't want a procession or grandour at my ceremony. So, I chose to only have a maid of honor and no one else. I want to choose my best friend that has always been there for me for everything and that knows me better than most.
My mother is furious with me for not choosing my sister. She has told me how angry and disappointed she is in me for this decision and accused me of hating my sister and called me a hateful person. I talked to my sister and explained what I wanted and that I wasn't not choosing her, but that I just wanted a simple affair and that I really wanted my friend there with me. She said she understood and was fine with my decision. I made sure that she knew that I hadn't yet asked my friend because if she did have really strong feelings about it that I would have her instead because she is important to me. I heard from my Father the next day that my sister called my Mother in tears after our conversation because I told her that I didn't want her in the wedding. I was planning on asking her to do the readings...
I still haven't asked my friend. My Dad tells me to do what I want, but I don't want to cause WWIII. What should I do?