Post # 1
I posted here 5 months ago about how my family disapproves of my relationship with FI. Things were going smoothly for a while but recently, things began stirring up again and all the drama I never expected to happen to me is happening.
Our venue is booked with a maximum of 80 people, but I have been selective about invites for one person in my family: my uncle.
When I was young, maybe 6 or so, I was bribed into becoming a sex toy to him I guess. I didn’t know what sex was or what was happening to me or even that I was being taken advantaged of–I mean, who talks to their kid about sex at age 6 right?!!? I was a big fan of Sailor Moon then and he said that if I let him “play” with me, he would record me an episode from the series. I didn’t realize that what had happened to me was wrong until years later. And since then, I have been heavily scarred.
My mom and cousin knows about this, but they still believe I should invite this man to my wedding. My cousin is my bridesmaid. My aunt, the mother of my cousin, is starting drama by saying that if he isn’t going, then she isn’t going to come as well and that I need to act more like an adult and suck it up for one day. I just cannot believe how the people closest to me are painting me as the bad guy. I am not trying to create family drama. I have a valid reason for not inviting him.
Basically I feel like my side of the family will just pull themselves out from the wedding, which would totally be fine with me if they were civil, but I know they will just continue to talk behind my back and say terrible things abolt me which is untrue. I really want everyone to be happy, but I want myself to be happy as well. And I know that if I invite him, my anxiety and fear will crush me, and I will want to leave my own wedding. I am not throwing this wedding to satisfy them; it is my celebration!
I don’t know. I’m just ranting all over the place. I just feel like they’re being very controlling and inconsiderate. They said they would invite people who were not on my list and that they don’t need seats. They’d stand as long as the people they want to invite can come. It’s driving me crazy.
I just need a space to vent and hear your thoughts.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and sorry you have to deal with this now.
You are 100% justified in not inviting him.
Just to clarify, is the uncle the husband of the aunt you mention (and if not, what is their relationship), and is he the father of your cousin? (Because that would very much affect how to deal with the aunt).
ETA: I just realised your mother and cousin know, and still want to invite him! That’s shocking.
Post # 3
Fuck those people. Anyone who won’t come to your wedding because you refuse to invite the man who sexually abused you isn’t someone you need in your life. Seriously, cut all of these people out – they are trash.
And don’t give a shit about what they say about you. Thier opinions are obviously bullshit.
Post # 4
aussiemum1248 : He is not the father of the cousin or the husband of the aunt. He is her sibling, however. 🙁
I just wonder if she would feel the same way about him if he had raped her daughter instead. It’s just so frustrating no one in my family is supportive or understanding of my feelings.
Post # 5
redburn : I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you. That’s awful. Do not invite him. This is your day and not a day to invite someone who abused you. It’s sad that your family isn’t more supportive of you. They sound toxic to your well-being. I would tell them you’re sorry they feel that way, but in no uncertain terms (aka hell no) is that man coming to my wedding.
Please do not allow yourself to be re traumatized by inviting him.
Hugs. There will be other bees on here that have good advice too. Have you been to see a counselor to talk about what happened?
Post # 6
Post # 7
redburn : OK, now I agree with hikingbride.
Tell your mother that this is not negotiable and you can’t believe she is taking the side of the “man” who abused you (who I’m guessing is her brother).
Tell your cousin that if she won’t support you, she is no longer a bridesmaid.
Tell the aunt you have very good reasons for not inviting the uncle.
Post # 8
redburn : I think I would uninvite the aunt. How dare she ever try to put you in this situation. Anyone that is fine with child molesters would not be welcome at my wedding.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
DO NOT INVITE HIM. You may also need to hire security to make sure that no one who isn’t on the guest list crashes the wedding, if your family is talking about inviting people themselves. You poor thing, you should not have to be going through this. Stick to your guns and have the wedding you want to have.
Post # 10
Maybe you should reconsider inviting anyone from your mom’s side of the family, including your mother. What kind of a mother is she? This is unacceptable. Stick to your guns! I agree, hire security. And make sure FI is ready, willing, and able to back you up.
Post # 11
Do not invite him and give this drama no attention! People can respond to their invites however they wish. I would not discuss it with them…you DO NOT need to justify yourself. You may want to consider security to make sure there are no wedding crashers like others have said.
Post # 12
Oh no. Do not let them control you, run over your or manipulate you into inviting him. If they can’t see it your way then don’t invite them to the wedding. Hire security if you need too.. Its not fair to you to have to endure that on your day and why the hell would he want to be at your wedding anyway..They make it seem like it is okay for him to do that to you and him being there would be doing it all over to you. Stick to your guns and please get some people that will help back you and support you as other bees have stated make sure your fiance’ is ready. Be prepared for the fall out. It is not your fault even if you are no longer in contact with family after your wedding. It’s just wrong.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
He raped you. Rapists don’t get invited. Neither do sympathizers of rapists.
Post # 14
redburn : No, just no. What kind of horrible people would make you stand in the same room as this man??? HE SHOULD BE IN JAIL. I would not feel comfortable inviting this aunt who supports this behaviour. I honestly cannot believe your family would put you in this situation.
Do not invite him. Your wedding is about YOU. DO NOT do anything you are not comfortable with.
Im so sorry this happened to you bee, and even more sorry you have not gotten the support you deserve. Keep in mind, you have nothing to feel bad about. You are not responsible for his actions, and you do not have to be his secret keeper either.
Post # 15
WTF? Anyone not supporting you on this should be disinvited from the wedding and life. Not sure how clearly you have stated the issue here, but maybe the words, “I’m not having a pedophile and my molester at my wedding, and if you can’t be on board with that, you should mail in your RSVP as a decline”. This is non-negotiable.
you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. That phrase, life is too short. insert here.