Post # 1
This may be a long one but I really need your advice! It involves my parents and two other families, let’s call them family X and family Y.
Anyways, I don’t have much family, most people I’m inviting are family friends I’ve known all my life, like families X and Y. This summer my parents and siblings went camping like they do every year with family X, I couldn’t make it. While they were camping, apparently Mr.X revealed to my Mom while no one was around that he has started taking drugs (I dont know what and it was a major shock) and to top it off, Mrs.X doesn’t know!
So to make it worse, Mr.X takes the drugs while his wife is putting kids to bed and goes to bed herself. My Mom was the only person around when it happened and that was when Mr.X made some inappropriate advances towards her, he’s never done that before! My Mom quickly went to bed with my Dad and didn’t say anything right away, but in the middle of the night Mr.X wakes them up and has burns up his leg, seems like in his drug induced state he stepped into the fire! Long story short, he’s still getting skin grafts, he’s in a lot of pain, his wife thinks he just fell in the fire and knows nothing of the drugs or coming onto my Mom because my parents don’t feel it’s their place to tell. I however wish they would tell her she has a right to know!
My problem is, Family X has done nothing to me and if I don’t invite them Mrs.X will definitely be suspicious (my parents have asked me not to invite them because my Dad is pretty pissed) and if I don’t invite Family X then I can’t invite our good friends Family Y who live in the same town as Family X, then it would definitely be suspicious! I’ve been brought into this situation when I don’t want to be, I definitely want to respect my parents wishes, but I used to be really close to Family X and I don’t know how I would feel about excluding them. By the way, drugs are something that has never happened or been an issue between the families til now!
any advice would be helpful! Sorry it was so long, it’s a pretty messed up story!
Post # 2
Wilson2Bee: Wow, sorry to hear about this… but my advice would be not to invite them just because your parents have asked you not to. Yes, you have been close and they’ve done nothing to you but you are aware of what happened and that will make you uncomfortable as well as your parents.
For covering it up, tell them that your venue only holds so many and that you’re only inviting immediate family and very close friends, if they ask.
Post # 3
What do your parents say about Family Y? I would not invite the Xes at your parents’ request, but I would still invite the Ys.
Post # 4
I would invite them. If your parents don’t open up about what happened, Mrs. X (and family Y) will feel inexplicably snubbed by you. That’s not a position I’d willingly put myself in.
Post # 5
Mrs.Sawyertobe: they’re neighbors to Family X and I’m actually closer to Family X then Family Y so if it was a matter of not having enough room everyone would assume I would invite X instead of Y so it might be kind of obvious something wasn’t right!
stillme: I know I totally don’t think it’s fair to put my FI and I in this position, I am not invitin many people on my side as it is and I can’t imagine turning them away without an actual explanation. My parents have asked me not too saying it would be awkward and uncomfortable but I wish they would either tell the families what’s up or cope for one day for my sake! It’s tough 🙁
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Just invite family Y and if there is a confrontation tell Mrs. X to speak with her husband. End of story.
Post # 7
I agree wit Olgarie, while it seems impossible now, Mr. X did something terrible and dangerous to not only his family but your parents. If the Y family realizes the X family isn’t there then just be very casual, “Oh, we aren’t as close as we once were.” end of story.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
Do NOT invite family X out of respect for your parents. Your parents wishes should come first and foremost, especially if they are helping in any way paying for the wedding. I agree with Olgarie too, to invite family Y still and then if Mrs X asks, then please let her know. She has a right to know and she can deal with her husband.
Post # 9
I do wish my parents would tell Mrs.X and not let it fall on me, especially since I wasn’t there, but I think you’re all right. I feel awful not inviting them but the actions of Mr.X were quite awful.
My only hope is that they don’t resolve their issues right before our wedding because then I hadn’t invited them.. Although I would love if they resolved their conflict but I doubt it after something serious as this!
Post # 10
I would just not invite either family. You don’t want drama or to be thinking about that stuff on your wedding day.
Post # 11
Wilson2Bee: First, I think your mother should tell Mrs. X about what Mr. X did. Not so much because of the drugs, but because Mr. X made an advance on her. How will Mrs. X feel about your mother, when she finally finds out, and then finds out your mother knew and didn’t tell her?
As to who to invite: who’s paying for the wedding? If you’re paying – invite them all. (After all, Mr. X is very good at hiding his demons, so it won’t affect your wedding). If your parents are paying, then unfortunately they get to not invite the Xs and Ys.
p.s. If your parents aren’t paying but want you to not invite them, you could tell them: “Tell Mrs. X the truth, or else I’m inviting them all. The way to show your anger to Mr. X is by telling Mrs. X, not by not inviting them all“
Post # 12
Wilson2Bee: Similar situation here. My FI’s Great Aunt is married to a man no one in the family can stand to be around (for an extremely good reason, something I do not feel comfortable disclosing). If we invite the Aunt however we cannot tell her that her husband can’t come. FI wants to not invite any of the Great Aunts or Uncles so it won’t be an issue but there are a few we would (ideally)like to be there so it’s such a awkward position to be in.
I haven’t come up with a solution yet 🙁 Good Luck!
Post # 13
Our policy with family related drama is to be transparent but to remove ourselves if it’s not really our business.
If we were put in this situation we would not invite family X for the reasons you mentioned (specifically because your parents asked you not to). We would go ahead and invite the other family if we truly wanted them present. If family X inquired we would let them know that it was a family decision and we were supporting our parents wishes and direct them to speak to our parents. We would be clear with our parents that we’re willing to respect their wishes to not invite family X but that we would be directing questions relating to the decision back to them since it’s their concern.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Another option we’d consider, to spare any drama with parents, is to not invite either family and to accept the reasons behind it and absolve ourselves that our intentions are not to hurt anyone but to ensure we provide a safe space for all of our guests.