family drama, Wish i had eloped instead :( advice pleaseeeee!

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
692 posts
Busy bee

@mrsrecon:  damn, sorry to hear that. You two might as well elope because if there is this much drama now, try to imagine before your wedding. Well actually I don’t want you to imagine that.

You don’t want to look back at your wedding and think about the drama. You want to remember you and your husband to be.

Member
1885 posts
Buzzing bee

@mrsrecon:  You know, when a wedidng happens it seems that everyone in the family expects something and wants something. You can’t make everyone happy, you can only make you and your FI happy.

I had bridesmaid drama too with my sisters. My FMIL, according to FI, is living out her bridesmaid fantasy though our wedding, my FSIL decided that NOW is when she wants to get married after 2 years of being engaged and FI things she is fighting for the attention.

 

This could stress me out-hell this SHOULD stress me out. But it doesn’t. Every time something happens that tries to mess with you and your fi’s special day – rememebr that this day is a celebration about love between the two of you.

If your stepdad is going you get mad and pick sides-let him. He’ll calm down-or if he doesn’t then that’s not the kind of enegry you need on your wedding day.

Sisters are going to fight, and I’ll bet when your sister’s talked someone streched the truth. Emotions are high right now-let them calm down.

Let them yell and bitch. Everyone isn’t going to be happy so you might as well make sure you and your fi are the ones that are happy. 

Don’t let them bully you into doing something like eloping if having a big wedding is what you and your FI want.

Go get a massage and turn off your phone for a day.

Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee

Things like this are often turned against oneself, and people that always get away with making excuses are extremely good at angling things their own way. So, your sister – I’m not so surprised about. However, the reaction from the rest of the family sounds extremely unfair and I think it’s chocking that your stepfather behaved so nasty. In a situation like this, I would have cancelled the wedding and eloped. Simple as that. The day should be about you getting married to the person you love and it should revolve around happiness and love and not be soiled by others peoples pettiness.

 

Sit down and think about how you picture the day, if you envision more stress and sadness due to your family than actual joy… cut your losses as soon as you can and book a DW somewhere nice.

Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee

Your email doesn’t sound like you kicked her out of the wedding party… Did you forward it to your other sister that was yelling at you? I don’t think I could handle that kind of drama, I like things to go as smoothly as possible. If it is really bothering you maybe you could go out for lunch with her and see what the problem really is?…. At the end of the day 5 months out from your wedding is not a lot of time so you do need to completely resolve this matter ASAP. I hope it all works out for you.  Good luck :)

Member
3077 posts
Sugar bee

If you don’t actually WANT the big wedding, like if it isn’t your dream or you have no preference, I would definitely cancel & elope. This sounds ridiculous, your sister sounds ridiculous, your stepfather sounds ridiculous, I’d be completely over it if I was you. But if your dream IS the big wedding, then screw them, it’s your & your FI’s day, not theirs. Do what YOU want & ignore the bullshit. My 2 cents.

Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee

@mrsrecon:  OMG I’m so sorry this is happening to you! Idk why weddings seem to bring out the worst in a lot of people, it’s crazy. I would give it some time to smooth over and try and get your point across to your family when discussions arise. If after a couple weeks they are still acting crazy, I’d bounce on all of them and elope. The day is about you and your future husband and it would be terrible if it was filled with drama and tension. Nobody wants that to be their memory of their wedding. 

Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee

I’ll be honest, your email does come across as a little scathing.  I know you didn’t intend it to: you meant it to be a heart felt plee.  Unfortunately tone is very hard to convey in email.

In particular, if I was your sister, I would be upset by this remarks. “We have expenses we have to pay for, for the bridesmaids and it is not fair for  us to waste money on your flowers, gifts, etc. if you truly do not want to be in  our wedding.”

That would make me feel like I was being a burden and an annoyance.  From your perspective I know you meant, “If I could help you out with any expenses, you know I would.  However, because of cash flow, I really can’t offer you financial support.  If our wedding is putting any financial strain on you, I wanted to give you the chance to speak up and step down, if that is what you need to do.”  Unfortunately, because she is already upset, she’s going to take the most negative interpretation of, “You are being a selfish brat.  You expect us to pay and do everything for you.  Not anymore!  You should just drop out so you don’t waste anyone’s time.”

Additionally, this line would make me upset if I were your sister, “I do not know what happened to our relationship,to cause it to be at this point  now, because we were so close. … it also really  sucks that i feel like we are unable to be excited for each other, and talk  about wedding things, and do stuff together now that we are both getting  married, because we don’t even talk anymore.”

It sort of makes it sound as if you are blaming her for what has happened to your relationship.  Unfortunately, it might really be her fault!  However, she’s not likely to listen to you if she feels her voice hasn’t been heard. 

I know you meant, “Something awful happened to us recently, and I’m at a loss as to what caused it and how to fix it.  How can we go back to being the way we were?”

But I think she interpretted it as, “We will never be friendly again.  You screwed up this relationship, and it’s your fault that I even feel this way.”

 

I think you need to send her another email.  You need to take responsibility for anything you may have done that may have made her feel slighted.  And you need to make sure nothing sounds accusatory or can be misinterpretted.  Stick to a lot of “I feel,” statements.

In other words:

Hello Sister,

I realize my last email may have come off as harsh and I want to apologize for it.

Writting it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  I genuinely meant it to be an appeal to you rather than being accusatory.  And I intended it only to be an out in case you wanted to leave the wedding.

Having you in my wedding has been one of the most important things for me through this wedding.  I wrote the email because I finally realized that while it was important for me to have you there, the financial burden and stress that it places on you might be doing damage to our long term relationship.  I value our relationship over a party, so I was hoping giving you the out would fix things between us.

Obviously it didn’t, and I sincerely apologize for any sleight you’ve felt.

I’d obviously still love to have you in the wedding, so please don’t feel as though you can’t.  I unfortunately can’t offer to help you with any financial expenses.  However, I really want you to be there on my special day standing up there with me, or sitting front row center so I can see you as I say my vows.  Sharing this day with you is more important to me than a dress, flowers, gifts, etc.

If you have any time this week, I’d love to meet you for coffee.  We don’t have to talk about any of the negativity we’ve both been through this week, but I really do just want to see you and hear about your wedding.

Love you always,

Sister

 

Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

Side note to self – never ask people for help with wedding stuffs unless they volunteer freely and willingly.

Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee

@BeachBride2014:  I agree…my baby sister sounds similar in personality to OP’s sister (leaves everything to the last minute, no one’s plan’s are important except for hers, etc.).  She would have taken this e-mail and probably reacted in the same way, lol.  That being said, I had to ask my mom to strong-arm both of my sisters into ordering their dress by the deadline.  

OP, sorry about your family drama!  If you and FI truly feel like eloping is your best option, go for it!  You guys need to make yourselves happy and anyone else butting in needs to stop that crap.

Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper

@soontobemrsm11:  +1

Seriously…if you don’t even want this wedding, ELOPE. I have said it before and I’ll say it again… if I could have a religious wedding and still elope, I’d do it.

Weddings are more trouble than they are ******* worth.

That said, if it is your dream. then tell them where to go and do whatever you want. You can’t please everyone. I learned that the hard way.

Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee

@mrsrecon: I definitely don’t blame you for what happened, but I wanted to give you perspective.

If my sister wrote me that email, I would also feel like she was putting her wedding above her relationship with me.  That would really hurt.

Obviously she’s been a twit during this whole planning process so you have a right to feel hurt.  I was just trying to give you an idea of why she’s now hurting, possibly more than you.

When it comes down to, this is just a wedding, and she’s your sister.  Family comes first.  Please try to repair the relationship before that day.  If you don’t you will regret it. 

My sister and I have gotten into a million fights and said a million hurtful things to each other.  We always make it through to the other side because we know that we love each other and we will alway prioritize family (blood and married), first.  Even if we have to swallow our pride, it’s worth it.

 

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