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So I was inspired by a few posts from another thread re: parents helping with a wedding.
Some bees were saying as the _____ (older, middle, younger) child that they got shafted in their family.
This doesn't necessarily have to be financial, but can include lots of different things.
Did your parents play favorites or did your siblings (or you) get more? How long did it take you to get over it/are you?
Edit: Edited post title as it was opposite of my poll, lol.
@AmeliaBedelia: I hate to say it but my younger sister alway got the shaft when i came to anything with my dad (parents are divorced) I dont know if its due to the fact that i am the loud outspoken one that always made sure that I got want I wanted (wow I sound spoiled!) but I honestly think its due to the fact that my sister never really stood up for herself so she never really got the attention that I did..... unfortunatly even to this day :(
I'm the oldest and my sister and I had totally different expectations growing up. I think that while we were developing and becoming adults, they favored me. I had better grades, played tons of sports, went off to college, etc. She didn't do anything really and they treated her as such. No expectations set upon her.
As we got older and all of that encouragement made me a successful adult, she then "needed" them more. They now favor her. The best line I heard my Dad say was "the squeeky wheel gets the grease" when I brought it up once.
I don't think either of us get favored over another. My parents have always given me some sort of help when i needed it, and they have done this with my sister as well. Sometimes I feel like my sister has gotten somethings that I would have liked (I am not as outspoken as she is and get kind of down when I hear that her and our mom did certain things together or she got my grandmas quilt), but I try to remember all that my parents have done for me that she hasn't gotten (my parents helped me out with three cars in the past and she may have to buy her own sooner than I did)
@shel_lee_1: Thanks for sharing. :)
I guess I should comment on my own thread, right?
My family is super complicated. There are 4 of us (soon to be a 5th adopted) and I am the oldest. I feel like my youngest sister is the spoiled one 90% of the time. My parents have more to give her...and so they do. I was joking that her wedding would cost 5X the cost of mine, because it probably will. She's loud, kind of a diva, and the baby.
I feel like I get shafted mostly because I'll have been the only one to have to get a job in high school, the only one to have to "make it" on my own <-- not my parents fault. Our grandparents are leaving us money and my sibs are all currently 18 (well 17, for one more month) and under.
My brothers have gotten much more help academically, even though we are all pretty equal. Again, parents just have (or make?) more time to help them out. My Mom still proofs my brothers papers and he is in college. I think the last time she did that for me was middle school? Granted, I didn't feel as if I needed help. So I see that part of it was my own doing.
I never had a TV in my room, but my brothers did. I didn't get a phone until high school and both brothers got theirs in middle school...heck, my sister will probably have one at like 9? She has an iPad.
@mwitter80: Very true. I get the, "But you could do it on your own" comment a lot. Um, duh I could. I was a highly independent child. That doesn't mean I couldn't have used a bit more attention. Lol.
@auggiefrog: Yeah, I mean in the end I think we're all pretty thankful when we have good parents overall. I think siblings really complicate things! Lol. I know FI and I will probably be more aware of siblings rivalry when we have our own children as we're the "shafted" ones... my mom, my dad, and his dad were all only children so I really think they didn't get it.
Older sister totally got more attention than I ever did. She's 14 months older, but far more loud, abrasive, and demanding than I am.
My younger brother gets favored but its because he's difficult. He seems to always get into trouble and make poor decisions so my parents spend lots of their time bailing him out, giving him money, etc. I don't take it personal, its just, even at 26 years of age, he still needs them more.
As a child, my mother definitely favoured my brother. When my brother was a teen, my dad got really involved in my extracurricular activities and I definitely got less attention overall.
Now, however, I think my parents like me better. Despite of some bumps in my road, my parents are really proud of me and my achievements and definitely have made attempts to show me that. Partly though, they just like my daughter :p
I am the oldest, I have 1 full brother, 2 half brothers (mom and step-dad & dad and his 2nd wife) and a half-sister (dad & 2nd wife) - sorry if that doesn't make sense.
I would say it depends. My dad & his 2nd wife favored their children together. After they divorced, my dad favored my full brother. My mom and step-dad favor their son together. My mom shows more favor to the boys. My mom and I aren't on speaking terms because she took up for my brothers and respected their wishes toward my wedding instead of my own.
I'm the favorite of both sets of my grandparents. I lived with one set of grandparents through highschool and consider my mom's mom (my memama) to be my mom.
My sister, hands down. She is the middle child, the pleaser, the nonconfrontational, friendly, funny, smart one. She never got in trouble. She always did what my dad wanted and she worked for him for a very long time. She was the dream child and she still is. She's the one who is married now with the first 3 grandchildren that my parents absolutely adore. As do I, don't get me wrong.
Both parents try to pretend that they don't treat her better than my brother and I but they have admitted to it before. I totally admit that I have always been the loud independent youngest one with a LOT more issues with my parents divorce and my own personal issues. I always wanted to do things on my own and rarely wanted anyone elses' help.
I am not even going to lie, I am the favored child. My sister is a ....... well not a nice word and my brother is far away with the Army. I am the one that, even when I used to travel for work, will always be here to take care of my folks. I am also the only one out of my siblings, that has paid back every dime they have ever lent me, I appreciate the things they have done for me and I respect the fact that it was meant as a temporary help and not a hand out. My sister treats my parents like a bank that she only visits when she needs cash. I talk to both of them frequently, my mom daily and my dad every few days. It also helps that I am the only one that has had my child around them his entire life. With my brother always stationed away, the grand kids haven't been around so much and my sister is just selfish and ......So ya, I am the favorite.
@misskoala: Wow you guys are on par with us as far as complicated! I didn't get into my full story, but I have 3 step-sibs as well (that I don't really have much to do with) and my youngest sister is technically a half-sister. She is my Mom and Step-Dad's adopted daughter, me and my brother's are my Mom and Dad's Bio children. I sort of forget that part of her being more spoiled is probably because she is my Step-Dad's only "technical" child. Hm.
@MsBrooklynA: Lol. There is always one, right? I think that used to be my 1st brother...but dynamics are changing as he's growing up. We shall see!
@tksjewelry: As you should be, it sounds like....Lol jk. Is your sister younger?
@CassandraC: Haha. I'm sure they like you almost as much as your daughter. ;) Grandkids get to be awesomely spoiled.
@Miss Orchard: True. Both my two youngest are more of the "Crap, what did ____ do now?" kids. Me and my 1st brother are more alike - we have set paths, typically make good decisions, etc.
@JulesSchnooks: Wow you guys are close in age! Yep, my sister is the loudest person I think I have ever met. Literally.
@AmeliaBedelia: No, she is 8 year older and my brother is 6 years younger than I am. My brother and I are whole and our sister is a half.
I am the eldest and seem the be the favourite. I am the one who has the good relationship, the nice house, the well paying job, has travelled a lot and is getting married. I am the responsible one, the one they brag about... grandpa openly said I was his favourite which did make me feel bad :( I hope it didnt upset anyone!
The middle is the second favourite. He had a baby at 19 but is a good dad and provides for his family. They wish he was more like me but they are still proud of him as he is very hard working and has stepped up to the plate very well. He and his GF keep a nice house and seem to be doing well considering they had a daughter in their teens.
The youngest is the least favourite. He is 21 and only works 2 days a week, the rest of the time he gets high and plays computer games (not that there is anything wrong with computer games! FI is a gamer and regularily goes to LAN's). Dad has almost given up!
We seem to fit the 3 child streotype pretty well! lol
I'm the only girl and one of four (second child). For some reason I was always held accountable for the moral wellbeing of all my siblings. I never skipped school - I'm one of those people who would get caught so I never bothered even trying, so when my baby brother was caught - imagine the confusion when I was blamed for it!
Another time, whilst I was living away from home, I got a phonecall from my mother where she told me SHE was on the way ro the police station to pick up MY brother, because MY brother had been caught drunk driving. At 5am it was waaaay too early to get into one of these telling offs so I told her MY brother is also HER son. For some reason I was advised not to pop by the house for 2 weeks after because my dad was so upset with my brother and I.
Also when my brothers teased me and I'd get wound up I was always told it was my fault for LETTING them wind me up. So unsure what option to select in the vote there! lol
Well, it depends on the parent. My mother always did a really good job of spreading herself between my and my brothers. I don't really feel like she played favorites too much.
My dad, on the other hand.... My whole childhood, my oldest brother was the golden child. He was the first-born, the straight A student, the football player, etc. My dad definitely favored him way more than me and my middle brother.
I'm not going to lie. I think there is still some bitterness there for both myself and my middle brother. It didn't help that our oldest brother is a bit of a d-bag. I think that both of us still kind of resent the attention that he got when we were kids. We both always felt like he did nothing wrong in our dad's eyes and we did everything wrong. My dad had some very serious anger issues when we were little and the 2 of us (my middle brother more-so than me) bore the brunt of the verbal abuse. I never saw him scream at my oldest brother the way he did at us.
I think I get favored more now, because my dad thinks I'll get depressed/move out if he's too mean to me, since I moved out once before. When my brother was younger though, in elementary school he had a lot of behavioral problems (with teachers who didn't understand him) and so my parents brided him a lot to behave in school, which I thought was unfair because I was excelling and not being rewarded.
I always used to think when I was growing up, that my mum favoured my brother. Turns out he was just high maintenance and thats why mum always seemed to spend more energy on him!! Turns out I was just the easier child. And now I know definately im her favourite! :-D. We have a great relationship and we are having a glorious time wedding planning together!!
I think it depends. It is an interesting conversation that my brothers and I have had as adults. We were surprised about how different we viewed as who were the favorites. After we talked about it I honestly think sometimes because children are different they are treated differently, and because my parents had five kids with nine years between my oldest brother and my twin and I as the youngest they had different parenting styles fo us.
For example My parents were pretty strict regarding grades, behavior and expectations for my two older brothers, by the time we made it highschool they had loosen up a lot so we didn't have the same curfew, and we definitly had more freedom, and my oldest brother used to be shocked and be like well when I was in highschool...
However the oldest got more given a lot more to them rather then us, because they got cars and they were the first to go to college, get married, and my parents helped them out a lot more then us. My Twin and I had to work our way through school, and definitly came out with more debts then our two oldest brothers.
I think we resented our middle brother who was two years older then us, in his late teens and early twenties he was out of control. It mad me angry that his bad behaior and decisions effect our events and took our parents attention. We definitly got a sense that our parents were not as interested or as invested in our things like they were when my two eldest brothers were in highschool. Now I understand how hard it was from them, and I learned some of the things my middle brother did and how my parents were trying their best to save his life. I also understand that having five kids with the age gap being how it is that sometimes that meant my parents weren't always going to raise us in the same way.
Honestly, I think my brother got favored growing up - he was very talentedathletically, musically, and academically. Our family used to schedule our vacations around his summer baseball season (which led to my sister and I missing softball games!). He never had to work in high school either, because his sports were more important to my parents.
However, my sister received the most help/attention, even if she wasn't the "favorite" per se - she was the middle child and my mom went overboard to make sure she felt important and special. (I think it backfired, though.)
That leaves me. I'm sure my parents are proud of me and what I've accomplished, and they're being very generous in helping with my wedding... Still, when we're all home, the dynamics come back and it's awful. My FI hates it when my whole family is together because of how my sister and brother treat me with no repercussions.
My mom is from a very typical italian family where she and her sisters were expected to cook, clean, help around the house, etc., and their three brothers were not expected to do anything. This trend has continued through the next generation and is even reflected at family gatherings: our huge family eats and the men get up and go do whatever they want and my mom and her sister ask myself and my female cousins to help with the cleanup.
That said, I have a younger brother who is very much the baby of the family (though it is only myself and him) and my mom really favors him. I guess what other choice does she have...he's the baby AND a boy. It's what she grew up with. Pisses me off though. They didn't require my brother to do the same things I did (curfews, jobs, expectations about chores, etc), and he seems to get away with more and my mom just thinks the damn sun shines out of his ass (who's bitter?? surely it's not me). My dad doesn't do much outward favoring in terms of behavior or things he says. He's so loving and impartial and dedicated to both me an my brother. But, my dad definitely has a very soft spot for me (and I for him!), but that's because I'm his only girl. Also, I was preeeeetty difficult as a HS teenager and my brother was so laid back and easy going. I defintely butted heads with my mom and we had a tough time. I guess my brother is more desirable attitude-wise. I can have a bad attitude sometimes, for sure...my brother never does.
I think this really is based on perception.
Now my bitch of a sister who is the middle child (I am the baby), was cruel to me growing up. And my perception is that Mum and Dad bent over backwards to accomodate her and her demands, much to the detriment of the older sister and myself. Mum and Dad worked hard to give us as much as they could, but it was never enough for her. She wanted the best of the best, brand name clothes, the latest and the greatest things. She was very materialistic,
I can remember Mum took me to the Markets in sydney and bought me this gaudy pair of fake LA Gear Joggers. (I loved them, they were pink and green). And my sister went off her trolley, about how I get brand names things and she never did. THEY WERENT EVEN REAL, they were at pair of $15 knock offs. So to appease her Mum went and bought pair of Reebok Walking Shoes (which she refused to wear), and then followed that up with a Cherry coloured pair of Doc Martins.
They also bought her a Motorbike, but it was a Red Kawasaki, and not good enough. So they sold that and bought her a Blue Yamaha. They also bought her a Drum Kit at one stage, and a very expensive Mens Racing Bicycle. Which she left at the local shops and it got stolen. Plus they tried to keep her happy with clothes, makeup, permed hair (it was in the 80s). She basically got everything she wanted, right up to the time she ran away from home and told us we weren't good enough for her.
I on other hand I never had a new bike, only hand me downs. Never was allowed to ger pierced ears and permed hair. blah blah blah.
Now all this did not really matter to me. I didn't care what she was being given and what I was being given. I was a fairly happy kid, and I am very close to my mother.
BUT
about a month ago, my Sisters Ex boyfriend FROM HIGHSCHOOL popped up on FB, and told me I ruined my sisters life. (come on now, she dumped him over 25 years ago, he is married, what is with the torch he is holding?) He told me that I destroyed my sisters life, and so did my parents. They apparently favoured me and gave her nothing, not even the time of day. But then she was 8 when I was born, so the attention I stole from her was probably my nappy changing time. I culd not believe what he was blasting me with, how my parents neglected her by loving me more and giving her nothing. Poor little lost middle child who no one loved boo hoo, what a mean family she had, almost a modern day Cinderella. I am so pissed off with what he said to me. And I haven't spoken to her in over 10 years, she got married without telling me about it. So there went that strained relationship.
So yeah, what was I saying? Oh yeah, its a matter of perspective! Thinking back I would say she was favoured and got EVERYTHING she winged bitched and moaned for. But apparently should would say that I was born and stole her family.
When we were little, my little brother was always the one who was favored. Now that we're grown up, though, and I'm the one who is successful and working hard on my own, whereas my brother has a criminal history and a drug addiction, I'm definitely the one my parents favor. It has something to do with the idea that if they give us both nice things, one of us will either destroy it or sell it for drug money, and the other one won't.
It's a hard question to answer.
My sister would probably say that I was favored, but that's mostly because she was always getting into trouble and I never really did much that warranted punishment.
I'm definitely the more responsible one and the one most like my parents, but then she got married a decade before me and gave my parents 3grandkids they adore.
I guess I'd have to say neither, with contingencies :)
@LadyBear: You sound just like me, except I have another sister.
Both of my sisters and I feel like my brother is favored (he is, everything has always revolved around him, especially being the youngest and the only boy). He's never really had to work, my parents float him, he basically failed out of college. Though, all three of them would say I'm favored, which in some aspects I am. But I'm the oldest, the responsible one, the independent one. My parents never really had to worry about me. Even when I did get into some trouble, by the time my parents even found out about it, I was ahead of the problem and basically had taken care of it on my own.
@Cariad: Hahaha omg! We had that too, thought it made a bit more sense since I was oldest I guess. "Why did you let them do that?" Umm.... I didn't? Lol. It hasn't happened at all recently but I do remember it growing up! I guess because I was the responsible one.
@Sparkidoodle: So true! While all of what I've said is true, now that I'm an adult my mom and I are golden! And I "get it" now because I'm basically separate from them in her mind, lol. I don't require as much time/energy, but that does mean that when we DO spend time, it is relaxing and fun for BOTH of us.
There are four of us and I am the fan favorite. My sister (who is a year younger than me) spent most of her life trying to compete with me, sadly never to live up to MY expectations (of myself). I found that the older my parents got, the less they focused on my brothers, who are 9 and 7 years younger than me. My youngest brother seems to have gotten lost in transition but the middle brother seems to have the same personality as me and doesn't care about attention anyhow. To this day my sister maintains that she hates my father but would do ANYTHING to get his attention (positive or negative). I guess she thought moving an entire continent away and becoming a lawyer would accomplish that; because she thought it was what Dad wanted her to do!
I don't know, all families are messed up in their own ways!
My oldest brother is the prodigal son. He was a bad student and floated around for a while before finding his footing, finishing college, and getting a job. Understandably, my parents are thrilled that he turned things around. He's clearly the favorite and his children reap the benefits.
We called my next oldest brother "the golden child." He was clearly the favorite until the oldest brother turned things around. I feel sorry for his kids, who get treated differently. It pains me because his boys are amazing, delightful children.
I'm the youngest. I did everything I was supposed to do and my brothers used to think I was the favorite. But my big folly was becoming more liberal, chose to work in academia instead of a more lucrative environment. I fell away from the church in which I grew up. I also decided to be child free. I'm clearly #3 of 3 children now.
I cared when I was in my 20s, but I don't anymore. These sorts of things happen. I also have a pretty awesome MIL who fills the void.
I have four siblings--three sisters and a little brother. We're all different people, so naturally the relationships are different. We've all disappointed or annoyed our parents at some point, or gotten the attention for doing something good. That being said, I've always felt that I was the least likeable child, haha.
My oldest sister has always been really close to my mom (her dad died when she was a toddler & they've always had a special bond). Then there's me, I was a moody, ferocious teenager, the only kid to get grounded. My next sister is the happy, infallible golden child that everyone loves. My youngest sister was the baby for a long time, and she knows how to get her way. Little brother reigns on high by default, haha.
I fell into a weird place. A firstborn, but not in practice (my older sister is loud and bossy!). "The smart one," but also the most trouble (and I got some of the worst grades). I've never bothered to tell my parents what's going on with me, which doesn't exactly make us close.
Still, we're all so different. I can't say I've ever felt shafted. I love my family. I feel like we all have our own niche that makes us what we are. The only thing that gets me down is when they don't tell me what's going on, and then laugh at me when I don't know. I know I'm not very communicative, but geez!
Anyone but me. I have six siblings...half step, and half biological...and when we were growing up all of them were huge troublemakers. I'm talking like being expelled from school/gangs/drugs/screaming matches/rehabs, the whole 9. By the the time I got to high school, every police officer in our parish and the neighboring one knew me by name, if not family reputation.
I was definitely the good kid, and although one might think that I would then be favored because of it, the opposite was true--I may as well have been invisible. I could be gone for days, days, and they wouldn't notice until I got back, when I would get a "Oh, there you are, we were wondering where you'd been this morning!" My dad and stepmom seemed to take the stance that as long as the school wasn't calling saying I was failing or not showing up, and as long as the cops weren't banging on the door at 2am looking for me, that I was doing alright and didn't need any attention.
I never acted out, I got very good grades (not straight As, but very close, I graduated in the top 5% of my class with a 3.9GPA), I was active in clubs and service organizations, and I stayed out of trouble. It would have been nice to have gotten some attention from my folks for it, but they only way that would have happened was if I started acting like my sibs, and I wasn't willing to throw my life away for a little parental attention.
Now, I'm the black sheep of the family because I moved up north, married a "Godless Yankee Liberal" (although in their book, liberal might as well mean "godless", and fell away from religion. It's very very rare I speak to them, and rarer still that I see them.
I am, however, probably my mother's favorite, because we have a lot in common, and our belief systems, religious and political, are rather similar. However she had no part in my life growing up, for various reasons mostly pertaining to her fear of my father and her own lack of a backbone and confidence, and my dad and stepmom being bitter a-holes who had me convinced that she never wanted me for half my life. We're closer now, but I had no relationship with her at all until I was an adult.
Family dynamics are so fascinating. It's also interesting to hear the difference in tone between the "more favored" and the "less favored." As a former Psyc major I am interested, haha. At least my degree was useful for Weddingbee. ;)
So interesting that most people seem to think that they were favoured... part of me thinks that a skilled parent would make every child feel like the favourite though, LOL!
My father always treated us equally, but my mother doted on my little brother excessively and favoured him in everything. It came to a head when we were teens and he told her to stop obsessing over him and favouring him, because it was unfair and embarassing for everyone involved. I suspect that she preferred him because I was wilful and outspoken, and she wanted a child she could treat like a toy... dress up and be cute. I was well behaved enough, but I certainly was not cute! I liked to roll in mud and climb trees, and she wanted me in pretty dresses.
Anyway, my brother and I get on just fine. Favouritism never affected our friendship (although it did make me feel less kindly towards my Mum). Go figure.
My parents both make a lot of excuses for my brother's laziness and refusal to take any responsibility for his life, and they never did that for me. I can't complain, because it forced me to get my act together, but it sucked watching him get everything handed to him while I had to scrape by, even if it taught me a lot.
My brother is definitely my mom's favorite. She hates my dad, and she sees a lot of my dad in me (I look like my mother and have her mannerisms, but I think and reason like my dad). I think she's a little jealous of me too, and I say that not to be mean, but it's just honest. She sees me having what she never did- the education, the financial independence, the healthy relationship, the stability- and I think it's hard for her to see me get it all when she didn't. She has an annoying habit of telling me I'm lucky all the time, rather than acknowledging that I work damn hard (I fully admit I manage to be in the right spot at the right time a lot, but I'm only there in the first place because I busted my hump to get there).
I'm my dad's favorite and always have been. I was always his little girl, and he definitely didn't coddle me, but we were just always close. I tell my dad everything, we can talk about anything, and we think alike so we're good sounding boards for each other. My dad and I are both just really laid-back, even-keel people, and we have thick skin, and we think alike. I think my dad has always had fun watching me live my life because he just genuinely always enjoyed watching me figure things out for myself in a way my brother never quite managed to pull off.
I have one older sister and a much younger brother. I think my dad's own words sum it up: "We should have stopped after the first kid; they didn't get any better after that."
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