Post # 1
FI had planned to elope this friday for months and then have a formal ceremony and reception exactly one year to date. I discussed it with my family and he chose until the week before to do so with his. His mother and aunt wanted to throw an engagement/meet-my-family party on saturday. We decided that Saturday would be a great day to surprise them with the announcement. Since they (his aunt, sister, and mother) recently found out they have made my life very painful. Calling me all day-everyday to tell me “how selfish it is to have two ceremonies” “they should be there for everything” “you will be the cause of you two being ostracized from all events” “you should wait until august of next year” “if your too poor to have a proper wedding this year then whats the point of getting married now or even having a wedding” <- that one really upset me. Well, with all the drama he has decided to call off all plans for friday. Now he is saying there will only be one wedding and it will not be friday. I don’t think he realizes he is punishing me for his family drama. Im so angry with his family-how in the heck do I explain to my family who has purchased plane tickets and rented cars to come down for this “joyous” occasion that isnt happening?! Im trying to figure out how make light of this but all I can seem to do is just cry.
back ground facts:
-neither family was invited to ceremony (his idea only)
-after his aunt figured they (his family) were not invited to the civil ceremony and expressed her disapproval- he invited them all
– his mother was excited UNTIL his aunt told her that she was not invited originally. Now the two of them have formed something similar to the mafia that has incorporated his much older and single sister. Who told him they need to be included in EVERYTHING and that I need to make more of an effort
-he was raised by the three of them.
-we met with out pastor who expressed to him that by moving the date: he is allowing the family to take control of our marriage.
-FI answer to this all: I pick another date closer than the original to do it on one date (elope august 20th 2010 then formal ceremony august 20th 2011)
Post # 3
What was your original thought process behind eloping? Can you talk to FI and explain it to him again and tell him that your family has made serious financial commitments to come? Will he be reasonable at all? Sheesh, his family sounds so awful! Good luck!
Post # 4
It is very (very) telling that he completely caved to their demands. I’m not saying that no one should be considerate of their family in the wedding planning.
That’s one of the requirements of getting married; cleaving from your original “immediate” family to create a new one with your spouse (and possible future children). If FI cannot stand up and say that “this is what WE agreed upon” then I’d be a wee bit concerned that his mother, sister, and aunt will be an integral part of your marriage for years to come.
Post # 5
I dont mean to knock your man but he is sounding completely selfish. To not even consider how this affects you or your family is just blatantly inconsiderate…I really don’t know what to say other than this.
Ms.Charisma is right: He should value your opinion over anyone elses, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the wedding
Post # 6
@06anchored08: The pastor nailed it dead on. Sit down with him and tell him EVERYTHING. How you feel, how he’s allowing his family to dictate his life (which they ARE doing), how it’s being disrespectful to you and also YOUR family.
Don’t mince words and don’t worry about showing your feelings. If you yell, argue, cry, and everything in between, well… that’s part of being human and being married. (I’ve YET to hear of a couple that has NEVER argued or yelled at each other, lol…. just to refrain from throwing objects at each other ).
I HAVE been in your position before and, well, we argued AT LENGTH about it. He would pretty much ditch everything WE had planned for his parents and family. Needless to say, after the second time, I was pretty angry and hurt by it.
After a lot of yelling, crying, and pointing out facts, he finally admitted what he was doing was wrong and promised to stop. (we call each other on EVERYTHING, which was our agreement from the very start since we’ve both had really horrible previous marriages…)
If you don’t address this now, the family will take this and RUN with it.
Give an inch, take a mile. I’m sure you’ve heard of that and I’ve seen it happen in couples and families. (especially with children…)
Talk to your FI at length. Even if it takes ALL WEEK, talk to him. Try to get him to understand what’s going on. Suggest a marriage counselor and go to them and talk to THEM about what’s going on.
I am so sooo sorry you’ve got to deal with this. I completely sympathize and empathize and hope you two can work this out soon and wsmoothly.
Post # 7
Thank you all! We have definitely talked about it. His mind is made up (for whatever reason) So 4-9-11 is on the books. @Ryna yes there was some screaming, and alot of arm folding and crying…I think He finally realized what I was saying…but we will never know until the next situation. (fingers crossed)
You all are very right! I don’t plan to marry his family. I requested that he vow (right hand on heart and left hand in the air) that he FIRST ask himself: “how would this effect kk(me)?”
He still is very selfish in some aspects (who isn’t?) but has grown by leaps and bounds from when I first met him. I have accepted the fact its now almost 6 months away and am pressing to get everything planned and organized by then.
I have expressed that there is only one “lifeline” when it comes to letting families override OUR decisions and he just used it. This is the FIRST and LAST time I’m moving it. If we get married naked, in the desert, on a donkey-WE ARE GETTING MARRIED 4-9-11. Seriously wanted to scream ” TOWANDA!” (Fried Green Tomatoes movie ref.) as I stormed out of the room with him looking at me like I just announced I have 5 nipples.
Needless to say my family came and he was the perfect host. He apologized to my family and even prompted an apology from his mom and sister (aunt-is a little more stubborn) Everyone is aware that I am calling the shots from here on out….or until they come with more ammo.
May the force be with me.