(Closed) Family has said some hurtful things about us getting married…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ZebraPrintMe:  I’m sorry you are feeling  so stressed. It’s especially hard to ezxperience such discord in the family around wedding planning, because our hopes are so high that it will be  a joyous time for all.

Who is paying for your wedding? You and your FI have all the power to plan if you are paying your own way. If parents are paying, it seems that many of them expect some degree of say in how their money is spent.

Can you make your sister an ally? I would talk with her and try to get her to see that if she supports you having a very small wedding, there would be less comparison between your two weddings – that she can have the big, splashy wedding and get all the attention.

Post # 5
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ZebraPrintMe:  I agree with your fiancé.  My family is lovely but we are adults and therefore we are paying for our own wedding – that way we can have it exactly how we want and don’t have to take anyone’s input on something like flowers into account (obviously, we cleared the date with our immediate family members and we aren’t having the wedding in some remote place that people can’t get to).  Seriously, it will be a huge weight off your shoulders.

Post # 6
Member
446 posts
Helper bee

ZebraPrintMe:  OH sweetheart, I am so so so sorry that your family is giving you such a hard time. I cannot for the life of me understand why people get so opinionated and wrapped up in what they think should happen at another person’s wedding. Hugs to you!

I think you should go ahead and plan the 15 person wedding, because that is what YOU want. And your fiance is right, I wouldn’t take any money from my parents after the way they treated me, nor would I want to give them any reason to impose their opinions. There is no justifying how they have treated you and your fiance. It’s your wedding. Do whatever you want.

Post # 8
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Ditch their money and do what you want. It will ruffle their feathers but you’ll get the wedding you want as well as establishing boundaries with your parents. Let your sister have the big, fancy, people-pleasing wedding she wants. If you want their moolah, then you’re going to have to compromise and I just don’t see that being worth the heartache.

Post # 9
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m sorry. My wedding planning was starting to be controlled too by my parents. With my dad offering to pay for the entire wedding. We wanted a very small wedding too, at his late grandma’s house looking over the ocean. We ended up canceling out wedding and now eloping, just the two of us in a beautiful spot in the silverado canyons in CA. No one is invited. Once we did that, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Having a strained relationship with my mom was part of the decision as well. But FI and I were still going to have our wedding, without anyone paying for anything, the way we wanted it and if they wanted to come, they could’ve. 

If you’re strong enough not to care so much what your parents say anymore and invite them to the wedding you guys want, then I say stop caring what they want or say and do it your way. Let them be mad, bitch and complain. But in the end, I highly doubt they will miss their daughter’s wedding. You just need to be strong and stand up to them and be confident when you do it. Good luck! 🙂 

 

Post # 10
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ZebraPrintMe:  Money won’t mean anything when you become one of those brides who is crying and stressed out during the whole wedding planning process and ends up wishing you eloped.  You can do something nice for 15 people that won’t break the bank.

Post # 11
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

I’m sorry. My mother was the same way. Everything we wanted to do was stupid and trashy to her and we just HAD to have a traditional wedding so the family we never see wouldn’t think my mom was trashy. Really? So, we canceled everything and we are now being married in Vegas. My mother isn’t happy and I still don’t know if she’s coming, but I don’t care. Don’t take your family’s money and do what YOU guys want to do. Don’t talk about the wedding with them and don’t let them get you down!

Post # 12
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Just listen to your FI – everything he has suggested is really good advice. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
5286 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

HannahGrace:  My thoughts exactly. 

ZebraPrintMe:  If your parents contribution will come with so much emotional strain, it may be best to pass on their financial help and adjust to your budget.  You have a very smart and wise FI, which is a true blessing.

Post # 14
Member
3713 posts
Sugar bee

Plan and have the 15-person wedding you envision. Pay for everything yourselves. Invite them. If they don’t come, because it is your vision, not theirs, they’ll prove to everyone what they are.

Post # 15
Member
6753 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

It is amazing how much easier it is when you just pay for everything yourself. 

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