Family hurt

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think what your mother is doing is right, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt here. Is it possible that she just doesn’t think that your FI is right for you? You’ve mentioned a few things that makes him “great,” but just having a good job and not drinking don’t make a person the right person for you. There are tons of guys out there that you have described. Maybe she just sees a personality flaw that you haven’t noticed, or she doesn’t like the way he acts around you. Who knows. I, personally, would ask her what she thinks is so wrong with FI that she acts this way. If she tries to tell you she doesn’t treat him poorly you know that she probably doesn’t have a justified reason of treating him the way she does.

Anyway, as for your wedding…I would probably give up on having her invovled in the planning. She doesn’t seem interested, and frankly I think it would stress you out more to try to get her involved. It’s sad that she doesn’t want to be, but she’s an adult, so she’s made her choice. Send her an invitation to the wedding, but if she gets any worse I would reconsider whether or not she should even be there. She obviously doesn’t support the union. 

Post # 5
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

@karlarose:  I’m sure he is a great guy! I hate when people talk about someone’s job. My SO and I are just starting out, and my dad always comments to me about how he isn’t a go-getter, and that he doesn’t apply himself because he is only working in retail. He just graduated in 2013, and he has worked up from a holiday hire working four hours per week to the assistant manager in like two years! He doesn’t want to be there forever, but there aren’t amazing jobs just floating around out there right now. If she makes comments on his job tell him that he loves what he does, and he does a pretty great job of supporting you and paying the bills. I would just try to always turn things around to be positive. 

Unfortunately, sometimes even somebody we’re supposed to be close with is just a bummer rather than a supporter in our lives.

Post # 6
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@karlarose:  It stinks that your mother is awful about your fiance – but unfortunately, when people are horrible in general, weddings don’t make anything better.  Do you have supportive friends/family/his family that you can get excited with?

Post # 7
Member
2210 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

I once went to a wedding where a highly educated woman was marrying the love of her life who happened to be a….plumber.  The bride’s best friend wept throughout the ceremony, not from happiness or emotion but because she thought the bride was making a disastrous mistake by not marrying a graduate.  Forward thirty years.  The couple are still very happily married.  The best friend now knows just how wrong she was.

You have to believe in yourself.  If this man of yours is a good man and you love him then go ahead and marry him.  Your wedding is about two people getting married.  It is not about pleasing all the guests.  Indeed, it is the guests’ role to make sure that the bride and groom have a wonderful day.  Your family should feel honoured to be invited. 

If your mother refuses to get involved with your wedding or does so only reluctantly then it isn’t your fault and it is her loss.  I am sorry that the rest of your family have not congratulated you.  This again is not your fault.  In fact the only person who is being wonderfully supportive is your FI.  So I think the you and your FI should simply organise your wedding so that it pleases the pair of you.  The rest of your family will just have to fit in to your plans.

Post # 8
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry you mother isn’t supportive. But one of the hallmarks of being an adult is accepting that sometimes what other people want for you, isn’t want you need for yourself. So you need to carry on with you plans, without her involvement moving forward and stop seeking her approval. 

It’s like trying to force a square peg in round hole, it won’t work. 

Post # 9
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

The problem here isn’t your mom, although she is A problem. It is the way you are handling things with your family. If you love that man show your family. Take him with you, give them a chance to get to know him. You haven’t given him a chance at all to prove her wrong.

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