Family hysterically upset over my FH joining the military.:(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

 I am so sorry your family is not very supportive right now. I hope they come around!

Post # 4
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You are right she is concerned for all the right reasons, but she should very much be supportive of both of you. It’s a dangerous job but now that it’s less war-time there are a lot of safe and great options for careers, to travel the world, and to make good $$. I would be very proud of my children if this is what they decided (my FI and I are too old). 

 

She is upset because she couldn’t visit? It depends where you are!  There are a lot of great places that are quite accommodating for visitors. And if you had more $ because of his good career maybe you could help her. 

 

You have to do what you have to do – give them some time to get used to it and hang in there and be proud of you and your FI. 

Post # 5
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Her concerns (though not the way she is expressing them) are valid.

 

I have a very dear friend with a spouse in the army. They were together all through high school, college, and beyond. He was deployed for over half of her college career. He has a few years off from being deployed but it is running out and soon he will be deployed again. It is very likely you will be with a baby when he is deployed at some point in your life with him. It is likely she will not be able to visit you if you are in another part of the world or across the country even.

 

I’m sorry she is not being supportive but her concerns are valid. Hopefully she will be supportive when you find yourself very lonely without him and need someone to talk to.

Post # 6
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Oh trust me, not all families are supportive.

You’ll just have to put up with this drama for now. Eventually she will accept that you’re an adult and this is the path you’ve chosen. And if they can’t accept it, you will have your own family and will just have to stnd up to the nonsense.

Ultimately, your mom is coming from a place of love. Try to bear that in mind.  And while your family may not know how to be supportive of your FH’s choice, he (and you) have the thanks of MANY.

Post # 8
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that your mother does have some reasonable concerns, but other families have dealt with these issues, and you can too.  Hopefully you were thoughtful enough about this decision that you considered these concerns in coming to your decision. It seems you think overall the pros of military outweigh the cons.  

Since this is a recurrent issue, and since your family’s response upsets you so much, I think you may just have to stop talking about this to your family.  You don’t bring it up and if they do  you say … We’ve made our decision, lets not talk about it further.  It serves no pupose and this topic always upsets both of us. 

Then if they insist on talking about it – you leave, or say I need to hang up now we’ll talk later.   

Post # 9
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I understand why she’s upset but she needs to chill out and get a grip.

Post # 10
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@katiecat08: What branch and what job does he hope to do? Some jobs hardly deploy and others deploy often. You make a little more money during deployments so most people go home to visit family. He has job options that range from finances to security forces. Honestly he could be anything in the military. Not all military jobs mean that you will be in danger so if this is a huge concern for both of you then discuss his options. Also keep in mind that some jobs allow you to travel to more bases than others. Some people are limited on where they can live (you don’t get the final say but it is always great to have a dream list and opposibilities) so I would talk about how important travel is to you. Some people can be stationed everywhere and others have very little options. 

I am sure you family will come around. Has your FH even started withs MEPs? 

The life is stressful at times but a lot of people really enjoy it! Keep us updated and know that there are MANY bee’s that are military. 

Right now you need to ignore your family and support your FH. I know everything will work out for you both 🙂

EDIT TO ADD: Talking to your mom isn’t going to help you at all! The process to join the military is stressful so I suggest you stick to people who are positive and helpful. Mom may not understand now but she needs to calm down. Her kids needs her so she needs to man up and get over any judgment she has because it is probably misguided. 

Post # 11
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

So sorry you’re going through this. FI and I are struggling with the same decision right now. We will both be getting our graduate degrees soon and he is thinking about becoming an officer in the Navy. I hate the idea but it is his dream. And there aren’t really any places hiring for his degree at the moment besides the military. I think your mom will learn to accept it. When we first started talking about him joining, it would always turn into an argument and I would get so passionately angry. But now I accept that it’s a possibility and am learning to cope with it. There are a few bees on here that are military wives that said some really helpful things to me, I’m sure hearing from others will be comforting to you as well. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

I am a 4 time MOB but I am also a 26 year Army vet.  I really wish we wouldn’t get such a bad rap as being the “worst branch” but that will be another post some day.

Anyhoo – my first question is how old are you?  I am NOT indicating that I think you are immature, I am just trying to see through our mom’s eyes right now and her reaction makes that a bit difficult.  I never wanted to kick my girls out of the house but I never wanted to keep them under my wing as long as possible either.  I want them all to go out and have the adventure that life brings.  If you are incredibly young I give more validity to some of her concerns here.

I wish I knew more about your mom and your family dynamics.  Is she a helicopter mom who hovers over  you constantly?  Is she overly involved in your life?  Is she just one of those mom’s who wants her kids to live by her forever?  Have I totally missed the boat here?  I am open to that fact because I just don’t know her. 

Why is your family so opposed to the military? Again, more information leads to better answers for you.

You said mom is blinded by the bad news she hears about the military.  Are we talking Soldiers killed in war?  Injuries?  As of March 2013 we had deployed over 2.5 million troops (many of those troops are multiple deployments) and as of April 2013 we had lost 6663 in Afghanistan and Iraq. Very tragic but when you look at the statistics of coming back – they are excellent.

Let’s talk about you for a moment as I can tell I am getting a bit wound up by your mom’s/family’s reaction.  Will you move far away?  Yes.  Skype is your friend.  you and your mom can talk and see each other all the time.

Can it be a tough life?  Yes.  I always say the spouse has the far tougher job in all of this but any spouse I have ever spoken to says their husband/wife who is the service member has it tougher.

You have to know that mission comes first.  Just because it is your anniversary or your child’s birthday doesn’t mean the Army or any other service cares.  If there are things going on you might be working late, you might be in the field for a training exercise, you might be deployed.  You improvise, adapt, and overcome.  You do what you have to do to meet your mission and celebrate things as a family.  You might just have to do things on a different day.

Wanna know what I missed?

My youngest DD’s first day of kindergarten

Her 5th grade graduation

Her 8th grade graduation.

I remember when she was a Senior telling my boss that I didn’t give a rat’s hiney if I had to go AWOL, I would be at her high school graduation.  I was.  I missed other things too but she is the one whose events I missed the most.

If you are going to be an Army (or any other service branch) wife you need to know that you need to be independent and able to be ok during his absences.  You might have babies while he is deployed.  You have to be on board with all of that.  If you aren’t – that is totally fine, but you shouldn’t agree to be a military spouse.

A good friend of mine posted on Facebook at Christmas time how happy he was to be home for the holidays as he had been deployed 3 out of the last 6 Christmas’s.  He believes in what he is doing and his wife and kids are phenominally supportive.  He is one of the best dad’s I know.

If you are social and meet people easily that is a bonus.  My niece is an Army wife and painfully shy.  Painfully.  I am hoping her DH isn’t planning on making this a career because she wants to move back home so bad.  She is supportive and stands by him, but if she could have a different life with him as a civilian she would be all for it.

There is nothing wrong with a military career and nothing to apologize for or rationalize to someone else.  I am exceedingly proud and humbled by my career.  It was a tremendous honor.  It was also really freaking hard sometimes.

I will tell you this.  I had the BEST.MILITARY.SPOUSE.EVER.IN.THE.HISTORY.OF.MANKIND.EVER.

I remember a 14 month stretch where a 60 hour week was awesome and some where 70-80.  It was tough.  I would call all the time and say “I have to work late – probably 8 or 9 pm.  Or maybe 11pm.  The ONLY thing he EVER said to me when I made those calls was “what can I do for you.”  Every single time.  He was amazing.

Tell me more about your mom’s fears specifically and maybe I can offer some better advice for you.  Sorry for the novel.

Post # 14
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@katiecat08:  I thikn she has a very valid reason to fear the military and you being a military wife. But you’re an adult and can make your own decisions. It’s just something she’s going to have to get over!

Post # 15
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do you have a career of your own? Maybe she’s worried that you will be by yourself somewhere without family to help and you have nothing going on for yourself.

 

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I agree with others, some of her concerns are valid.  Give her some time, but don’t expect her to welcome the idea.  I would recommend getting her a device she can facetime or videochat with and use it.

 

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