family implying that you're "not ready", sigh…

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

On my side, my parents frequently mention how excited they are for us to have kids and how much they wish it was now.

So it’s ok for your parents to have an opinion and mention it frequently, but it’s not ok for his family because they don’t share your opinion?

Personally, I think family on both sides should mind their own business, but I doubt that you are considering asking your parents not to raise the issue again.

You can respond the same way that many brides have to do when wedding planning ” Thanks for your opinion. We’ll take it into consideration when we make our decision.”

Post # 4
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I can see the unrelenting comments getting old really fast. If I were your H, I’d take the parents aside and politely and tactfully tell them to back off. If they won’t,  I would not hesitate to  tell them that you appreciate hearing their  perspective on many things, but consider this topic  to be personal and between their son and you. 

Post # 5
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

this is pretty much EXACTLY us! Although it’s my family that says to wait and his that is begging for grandchildren. I think the ages of our family members and their stage of life makes a big difference though. im the oldest and my younger siblings are nowhere near being ready to even date seriously, let alone get married. They’re even still living at home. When I mentioned babies to my sister she got all worried and said maybe we should just save up money for a few years etc etc. DH is the youngest and his sibling has been married for ten years now, so his mom is totally ready to be a grandma. so I think part of it is where they are in THEIR own lives and if THEY feel ready to be an aunt/grandparent/uncle. Plus I think you’re right that they may not know how well off you are, you sound very responsible and well set up for TTC and they might assume you haven’t thought things through. 

 

Bottom line, it’s your life and you can decide when to TTC for yourself. they may have a short moment of shock when you make the big announcement, but I can’t imagine they wouldn’t be so excited and happy for you, even unplanned babies are usually still a celebration when they arrive! 

 

Idk how to handle the comments, just try not to take it personally and accept them with grace. It may take you longer than you think anyway, so it could still be a while. I’m 25 and DH is 28 and we are on cycle 7 so you never know. 

Post # 7
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Just ignore the comment and do what you want when you want. Your in laws may have good intentions – maybe they both wish they had started their family later in life and enjoyed being free and adventurous in their 20s, and they wish someone had given them ‘permission’ to not be in a rush to get tied down with responsibility.

If you discover your MIL slipping birth control pills into your Christmas pudding, THAT is an issue that needs to be addressed.

Post # 8
Member
4030 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

anonybee0810:  Perhaps they’re making these comments because they think it’s the way to not pressure you into having a baby. They may think that saying these things won’t rush you or make you feel strained because everyone wants you guys to have a child. These comments do get annoying, but the best thing I’ve found is to ignore or to have something ready to go. My dad was making comments about us having a baby and one day said something (after we had gotten married, I think) like “Oh good Lord, not yet.” I was pretty fed up and snapped back “It’s not like it would be the end of the world. We’re in love and very responsible.” He immediately apologized. A few months later he took the exact opposite side and was so desperate for another grandchild. Try not to let it consume you. You two know what’s best for you as a couple. 

Post # 10
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

anonybee0810:  I’m not sure but I think my PIL and my mom and step-dad would all love us to have a baby now but my dad and my step-mom, yikes. They are both in their mid 50s with a very young whoops baby and they make some REALLY offensive (in my opinon) comments to us about waiting. For example, they got us a hotel room at a really nice hotel for our anniversary but when my step-mom told us about the night she said, “But PROMISE ME you won’t get pregnant yet, okay?” I wanted to be like, “No, but PROMISE ME you’ll back off and let my HUSBAND and I decide when it’s time.” It’s frusterating because a few years ago, I always talked about how I never wanted to have a baby, how babies ruined lives, took away all your freedom etc. Fast forward 4 years and I’m very happily married and totally ready but I think they are still stuck on that image of their 22 year-old college party girl daughter that “never wanted kids”. Now, I’m 26, will be 27 my DH is 29 and we are TTC. It would be nice if everyone could be onboard with our decisions but they aren’t and that’s fine — it doesn’t affect my plans. Try to ignore the annoying comments. They probably mean well and I really think that once you are actually preg they won’t ask why you didn’t wait or judge you; they’ll be so excited they won’t even think about that! Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper

anonybee0810: I can certainly see overlooking it if it happened once or twice.  But from what you say this is crossing the line on a very regular basis.   My feeling is that you teach people how to treat you.   If they  don’t stop after you tell them you consider it overstepping,  then no matter how sweetly it’s said,  you  may need to make the point by limiting your visits or heading home after the topic is raised for the umpteenth time.  I guarantee  they will  start to  get  the message.

Post # 13
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

anonybee0810:  my mom always made comments about how we should wait. We got pregnant 3 months after our wedding and she never made any negative comments again. Hopefully they will stop got you too once you’re pregnant! Though, then you get a whole new round of unsolicited comments and advice! 

Post # 14
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Rule #1 of being a parent- Learn to ignore EVERYONE because they will all have opinions of what you are doing right/wrong/differently than they did/etc. Perhaps you should start developing this skill now. people say stuipd/thoughtless/unhelpful ish all the time. Use this as an opportunity to learn to tune out all of that noise and be quietly confident in your own decisions.

Post # 15
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I really do think that their comments come from their own experiences and how THEY would have done things differently, or think how they did things is right/wrong. I think this is true when many people give “advice”. But the reality is no matter how other people live their lives and how good or bad they think things worked out for them, this is YOUR life. It sounds like you and your husband have your stuff pulled together and will do just fine. I hope that when the time comes to announce your pregnancy that all family members will just be happy for you! It is really frustrating when others push their opinions on us.

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