Family issue…what would you do?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    1987 posts
    Buzzing bee

    LittleMissLeslie:  This guy seriously can’t miss one game for his brother’s wedding? I live in Texas where football is the end-all-be-all and even I think that is pretty ridiculous. No wonder your FI is hurt. In the grand scheme of life, I think a brother’s wedding would trump a college ball game. What have his parents said about it, out of curiosity?

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
    Post # 3
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think you should have no opinion on this situation because if your FH is already upset you agreeing with him will add fuel to the fire and you being too okay with it minimizes his feelings. It’s a fine line, but take his lead on this. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then don’t push.

    As far as the bro choosing a college game over your wedding I applaud you for being chill about it. It ddoesn’t sound like the bro is going to have a pro-NFL career so let him enjoy his college foot ball days. It’s his chance to be a student athlete and get the most out of this experience.  Your wedding joins you and your fiance- his bro not being there doesn’t stop that from happening.

    Post # 4
    Member
    314 posts
    Helper bee

    sometimes people are just jerks, especially younger siblings who think the world revolves around them- I know all about it! 🙁

    Post # 5
    Member
    4410 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I understand where the brother is coming from. On many serious teams, if you miss a game, you’re off the team. That’s how it was on my college team. When you commit so much time to practicing, and you dedicate so much of yourself to your teammates, your sport becomes very important to you. Again, if his team is anything like mine, this is not about missing just one game. It’s about potentially missing a whole season, letting down your teammates, and giving up the thing that you dedicate yourself to.

    I understand why your fiancé is hurt, but I also really understand the difficult choice his brother had to make, and I can say I would have made the same choice. 

    My experience: I flew out to my brother’s wedding on Saturday afternoon, missing his rehearsal dinner and arriving just in time for the ceremony (all other family had arrived on Thursday), because I had a meet that morning. I was the captain of my college team and simply could not miss a meet without letting down the whole team and setting a bad example for my teammates. I love my brother a ton– it was not personal–and I’m sure it’s not personal in your case, either. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    LittleMissLeslie:  Eeek, what an unfortunate situation you’re in. I don’t quite understand why it would be such a big deal to miss a game for the wedding either, but I really don’t know the first thing about college football.

    Just out of interest – how definite is it that he won’t be able to attend? It’s possible he just floated the possibility without really thinking it through and that when push comes to shove, he will attend. Also, is your FMIL aware of the situation? Given that he is on the younger side, she may have some stern words of advice for him once she is aware of his plans.

    If I were you I’d sit on it for a while longer as the brother may change his mind. He probably hasn’t thought about it that hard yet – November 2015 is a long way away for a 19 or 20 year old guy. Maybe mention this briefly to your FH too, so that he knows you’re aware of how important it is and you’re not ignoring the situation, but giving it time to settle.

    Good luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    7206 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Wow. Being neither American nor interested in sports I don’t “get” this, but I did some googling and this is a big thing. e.g. Here’s a letter to the newspaper columnist from someone in a very similar situation, and neither the footballer’s coach nor the (female) columnist have much sympathy for the bride and groom: http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/A-wedding-versus-a-college-football-game-899984.php There’s even a website called fallweddingssuck.com

    Does the brother have to travel for games? If the game is 3 hours away, he won’t be at the wedding at all.

    I can see two options. (1) Move the wedding (is a long weekend possible so you can have a Sunday wedding?). (2) If brother can’t be there, I suggest don’t make him a groomsman. And try to schedule the family photos so he’s in them. Him missing the ceremony isn’t the end of the world if he’s in the photos at least.

    Post # 8
    Member
    717 posts
    Busy bee

    At my school college football was Serious Business.  I’m not a big fan myself but SO is.  He said the players are shut up in hotel rooms a few days before and heavily supervised to make sure they don’t go out at all or have any distractions.  Their practice schedule is insane and missing one game is grounds for being tossed off the team.  A lot of activities are like that unfortunately, especially ones that involve scholarships (I’m wondering if that might be an issue here as well).  Does he have a scholarship to play football?  

    I remember I had to fight tooth and nail to stay on the choir because I missed one concert.  And nobody even cares about choir!   I can’t imagine how bad it would be for missing a football game when it’s such a big deal to so many people and so much money goes into it.  

    If brother’s team is anything like that, I’m with the brother on this one.  If you wanted the brother there that badly and you knew there was a good chance the game would conflict you should have checked with him before you set a date.  Obviously you’re under no obligation to do that, but you also kind of give up your right to complain about him not being there.  If it’s crushing your FI (and presumably his brother too, who also might be hurt you set a date when he couldn’t be there) change your date.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    7206 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Dizbee:  “He said the players are shut up in hotel rooms a few days before and heavily supervised to make sure they don’t go out at all or have any distractions.

    To my non-American mind that is so weird. What about that common college activity called study?

    Post # 10
    Member
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    LittleMissLeslie:  Yikes, it’s sounding more and more like it’s less of a choice on the younger brothers part, and more just the reality of college football.

    Given that you’re still a year out, is there any chance of checking his game schedule and seeing if there’s a weekend he has free/off that your venue still has available sometime during fall? This far out, and if you’re just switching dates (as opposed to cancelling) their probably wouldn’t be a financial cost from your venue.

    If that’s not an option, you may have to have another heart to heart with your FH about how important the date/time of year is vs. having his brother there. Better you know the true answer now then in 6 months time, when changing anything would be even more expensive.

    I know it would have been really nice if everyone on the bee chimed in and said how ridiculous it is that the brother suggested he might not come, and you should just go ahead with everything, but unfortunately it sounds like those more in the know about college football than us think otherwise. In this case, you are likely to encounter increasing resistance (potentially from other family members as well) as the date gets closer and the reality sets in. 

    If you and your FI are truly comfortable with the date and the brother not able to come for the ceremony, then go for it and have an amazing fall wedding. If you think the potential upset will take away from the enjoyment of your wedding, I’d start looking at the alternatives right away.

    So sorry you’re faced with this tricky one, OP. Wishing you the very best of luck!!!

    Post # 12
    Member
    42 posts
    Newbee

    My sister and I are both planning weddings in 2015 (I know ) , and my brother also plays football at a small liberal arts college.  We had to make sure to plan our weddings so they wouldn’t conflict with eachother or football season…  I was a little perturbed that football season would even be an issue, but, I kind of get it (I guess).

    Post # 13
    Member
    1002 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    As a former college athlete if my siblings were getting married and I had a game I would not miss the game. I was on a full ride at a big name school though. But the amount of hardwork you put in for years to get to that point and not to mention your teammates relying in you, it wouldn’t feel right for me to miss a game. My younger brother plays football in college and we have scheduled our wedding to be after his season is over, which will be late fall. 

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