Post # 1
Back story: My mom is notorious for not being there for me, and has no real excuse for why she’s not there. She missed every award ceremony I had in school, missed every graduation, and missed my formals. When I called to tell her I got engaged she blew it off and didn’t really care. Even mangaged to miss my birthday. I’ve made a few bridal appointments and my mom’s flaked out on them.
Last weeked I went to a bridal expo and ended booking a dress appointment. I called my mom right away and asked her about coming out to go with me too it. She was shopping with my grandma and sister, and said she’d talk with them, but asured me she’d be there. Fast foreward three days she called me saying that she couldn’t afford the gas. I offered to pay and she blew it off. Then she called me the next day saying that they (her and my step dad) bought a new truck and are going to buy this horse. I wasn’t going to go to the appointment, because I wanted my family there aswell as my FMIL and Future Aunt in law, but when I woke up Friday afternoon after a nap, something told I should go on Sunday, so I went. I ened up trying on 15-20 dresses and found the one I loveeee for a steal.
Well I sent pictures to my mom and called her asking her if she liked it blah blah blah. Well she ended up getting nasty with me on the phone. She started asking prices of the dress and who went with me. I spent $600 on a dress and took my MIL and aunt. That sent my mom off the deep end, she started tearing into me about how FI family doesn’t need to be involved with the wedding details and that it’s something that the women in my family should be doing together, and that I was an idiot for spending that much on a dress that doesn’t flatter me.
Then she went into how I’m doing everything where I live and not being considerate of her. She wants me to have a back yard crab boil at her house, which isn’t the dream I have for my wedding. The location we’ve chosen is pretty easy for all my and FI’s family traveling from different states since it’s off of 95 or the PA turnpike.
On top of her trying to bully me into what she wants, she’s also been trying to get me to have a double wedding with her and my step-dad. They got married a year ago at the court house, and my mom wants to do the whole asile walking down, reception thing.
I wanted my wedding to be special, a moment for once that was about me, but my mom keeps ruining that for me. I just don’t know what to do. With my mom’s history of not being there, I have a feeling in my gut that she won’t even show up for the big day. It drives me batty.
Post # 3
OK – the most eye opening piece of advice I was EVER given was this: “Stop going to a dry well looking for water. It will never be there.”
Your mom is a dry well. She ALWAYS has been and has never been there for you. Your wedding will not change that at all. If you really want to enjoy this time, share it with those who are there for you and want to be involved.
It is obvious she is a manipulator and very self absorbed. Cut her out of the wedding planning and don’t take a dime from her if she offers. That self-absorbed thing is well evidenced in her wanting to have a double wedding with you so she can be the center of attention.
She has never been there for you, the well is dry. Stop discussing the wedding with her, any monetary details, and just tell her when and where to show up (if she decides to). If you are really honest about all of this up front you can choose to not let her hurt you. Be the one in charge!
Post # 4
@hermom just gave you the best advice you will get.
Stop looking to her for approval. Do not involve her in planning. Send her an invitation and that’s it. Have a nice flowrer if you want to and enjoy your day.
Matter of fact, get dressed in a location not near her. Have her mmet you at the venue.
Make sure you have a strong MOH or family member to “shadow” her to make sure she does not annoy or hurt you the day of.
Post # 5
That’s a really good point. Really great advice too!
Post # 6
@hermom: +1 This.
OP, you can only control your reactions to people’s actions, not their actions. I’m not sure why you expect your mom to be there when she hasn’t been before. I know it’s hard, but trust me, once you set healthy boundaries, you’ll be so much happier.
My dad was like this – never there for me, always made promises he never followed through on. We now have a great relationship because we never talk. He knows nothing about the wedding, doesn’t ask, and I don’t share. He’s pleasant when I see him, and I share very generic conversation with him – weather, traffic conditions and how cute my niece / his granddaughter is.
Do what you want and if your mom has a problem with it, she doesn’t have to be a part of it. Just something to think about – if your mom were anyone but your mom, would you put up with treatment like this from her? Family is often used as an excuse to treat people badly – it shouldn’t be. Family celebrates you, supports you and should be a source of love and joy. If it isn’t, I’d re-examine things.
Post # 7
I am so sorry, your mom sounds horrendous. You don’t deserve that. Cut her out of your life and enjoy planning your wedding with peole who support you.
Post # 8
@DuckyPDuckerson: I have given up on a majority of my family ever doing the right thing or being there for me when I need them. It’s a sad but true fact. Your mom has no right to be mad at you for having your FMIL there if she was invited but blew you off. Try to embrace the fact that you are about to get married and with that comes new family members. My family is really rocky and they are crazy, and while my SO’s family isn’t perfect, they are always there for both of us now, and the family members that I am close to and can count on are there for my SO and I as well. You have to remember the good people you have in your life and not concentrate on the ones that aren’t worth your time.