Post # 1
Ok so I have a wonderful 9 day old baby girl. I originally wanted to breast feed but am on anti epileptic medication so the ob and my neuro didn’t knoe if I should breast feed or not. They could never give me an answer so I felt it would be best to formula feed. It wasn’t until monday that I spoke with her pediatrician and got the green light to breast feed. She was six days old by this time.
She was already used to the bottle and my dupply was drying up. Manual pumping wasn’t working too well and she just doesn’t want to latch on because I have flay nipples as the doctor called them. I’ve been in the doctors office evrry day since trying with two lactation experts and was given a medical double pump to increase the supply and make my nipples stick out more. I was told to pump every hour for five minutes and also got a nipple shield to trick her into thinking its a bottle and give her a better grip. She still isbt latching so I will be going in today again.
I am trying hard and am determined but its not easy. So here comes the issue… family. As I mentioned earlier in a previous post, they won’t back off and give us space, which is really needed now that I’m trying to breast feed and am at the pump every hour. They just stop by without even asking. My brother insists he will be staying with us this weekend with his two kids and his ex wifes neice. Not to mention they have a bug they have been passing around this week.
And my husbands parents… they are really nice but if she doesn’t go see them every day they get onto us that ee need to bring her over more saying “you’re not going too keep her away from us.” Not only that but I’m a bit peeved. I have a six year old who is not my husbands but he has helped raise and love her as his own since she was one. He even openly admits he enjoys spending time with our six year old more than the baby and we have pending adoption papers waitingvfor her dad to sign. His parents say there is no favortism but we invited them to her recital tuesday and during her performance his parents both just stared doen at the baby without once looking to see my daughter perform, adnitting they went just to see the baby. I mean you can’t look up for two minutes to help her feel special when she is already worried about her place being an only child for six years before her sister was born?
Along with that at the recital when the baby woke up I let his parents hold her. I was moving the car seat to get her out and before I could twist it around they were down my throat saying they were looking at her and not to move her… ok. So I still got her out for them to hold and the music at one point got loud. My baby was obviously uncomfortable and was about to cry so I ask my husband ( who was sitting between us) to ask them to cover her ears. Their response? “No, she’s fine” and just turned away. I was going to let them take her home while we went to walmart but that just ticked me off so I brought her with me.
These people seem to think I’m just here to watch her in between and that I have no say, at least nothing worth listening to. My inlaws live across the street and I’m thinking about posting a sign on my door saying “we are not accepting visitors, please come back when you are actually invited” but I’m not a snarky person.
Maybe I’m just being overly selfish and greedy with my baby but I’m tired of no one listening to me and just making things harder for me. How would you handle this issue? Asking for space is just being ignored, just like asking for her ears to be covered. This is my baby, nit theirs and its frustrating!
Post # 2
Mrslovebug: Sounds really stressful! You need to put your foot down and tell everyone know. Just nicely say “I love that you are all so excited about the baby. Right now I’m trying to get the hang of breastfeeding and it’s a slow and stressful process. We really need some time to get comfortable with this and ask that you please refrain from stopping by.” Then you need to tell your brother that he is welcome in town, just not to stay at your house.
Post # 3
Yikes, I would be stressed out too. You and your DH need to keep putting your foot down with them. You are the parent and you have the final say in who gets to visit and what happens with the baby. No exceptions. If you don’t feel comfortable with your brother staying at your house, tell him and offer him some alternatives for accomodations (hotels, other family member’s house, etc.). If your in-laws keep ignoring your wishes, you may want to try a blunt approach by keeping your doors locked and barring them from entering the house uninvited (or changing the locks if they have a key). Yeah that’s a blunt message and should be a last resort, but it still gets the message through to them and gets you some peace and quiet with your baby.
Post # 4
Did you say anything to them the last time you posted about your family being pushy? If not, you might want to. I think you also need to recognize that while family might be being pushy, that there are a lot of other factors stressing you out (breastfeeding, feeling like you 6-year-old is being discluded or overlooked, adoption papers…) that might play into your stress. Try and look at it objectively, ask for your space and focus on you and your new baby.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Mrslovebug: You and your husband need to discuss this and provide a united front to the family. Just say no. Tell them no visitors for X number of days and do not anser the door or phone during that time. If it’s too much then you and your husband should go stay in a hotel for a few days and not tell them where you are at. Do not be afraid to tell them they are being rude and presumptuous and that you will not host them without planning out the visit with you and getting the okay from you and your husband beforehand. It’s really important your husband back you up on this 1000%.
Post # 6
Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It’s much harder and more tiring at home than most of us are led to believe. You definitely are getting off to a difficult start with breastfeeding.
These are your DH’s parents. He is the one who needs to tell them to back off. Get a “Welcome” sign for the front door. If the Welcome sign is out , it is ok to drop by. If you don’t want company turn the Welcome sign towards the door.
Your brother however, is your problem. You need to be assertive and tell them that it is not possible for them to stay with you this weekend. When you have settled in with breastfeeding and they are all feeling better, they are welcome to plan another visit. You will let them know when they can come.
The incident at the recital is overblown by hormones I think. All they did was tell you not to bother moving the baby. They could just look at her. You were the one who wanted to lift the baby out of the car seat. Let it go.
Post # 7
I just wanted to tell you that their behavior (IL’s and brother) is absolutely bananas. You are not crazy/mean/greedy.
You have a NEWBORN and your brother is inviting himself and a gaggle of children to stay with you??? And they’re sick??? That is ABSURD. He has children, he should know better. Tell him that you absolutely cannot accomodate them now. Don’t say you’re sorry.
As for your IL’s, reiterate the message that you need to know when they are dropping by. And whenever you need to, say “I need to nurse.” Do they not leave immediately when you say that? Ugh, I am so angry for you!
Post # 8
julies1949: with the recital, at first they wanted to hold her but she was sleeping. I stressed already that they not wake her while she was sleeping . Over the weekend my MIL came over right as the baby fell asleep. We were at the hospital all night without any sleep so I was laying down when I put the baby down. MiL took her out of the bassinett waking her up making it another two hours nefore I could lay down. So when shr was sleeping I wadnt letting anyone wake het. At the recital they wanted me to put her by them but I didn’t and waited until she was going to wake up. When I saw her stirring and eaking up I thought it would be good to let them hold her so they knew I wasn’t trying to stop them all together. So I turned the car seat toward me to get her out, the recital was going on so I didn’t say why I was moving her and just did it. His parents got upset instantly telling my husband to tell me not to move her becausr they were looking at her. I ignored it and took her out and passed her down to them. It bugged me but wasn’t until they brushed me off over covering her wars that I really got upset and then when it take to our six year olds performance.
But I am effected by hormones a lot so im sure it plays into the mix and I’m getting more upset than I shoyld. Heck it seems like I have cried more than my newborn since she qas born.I do get qorked up easily.
Post # 9
You are not being unreasonable at all. Has your husband said anything to them?
I would let the recital thing go for now since the baby is so new, and focus on setting more boundaries at home. Call before coming over, no waking the baby, if you need to nurse they need to go home, etc.
And I would flat out tell your brother that you are sorry, but you cannot accommodate him and his family.
Post # 10
Mrslovebug: sorry to tell you but this is your husbands fault! HE is the one not enforcing his parents to back the f*ck off and we all know that the blood child needs to be the one to put the foot down because otherwise “the family” bands together against the daughetr-inlaw because SHES the one who doesnt want them there, or lend them money, or whatever the issue happens to be (we all have them). When it comes from their own child its like “oh I see”. Right now they arewaaaaaaaaaay over the line and they need to be knocked back a few pegs.
You NEED to sit down with DH and say look, “THIS isnt working and THIS is what I need you to do, if not we are going to have some major problems on our hands…..Im tired and overwhelmed and with everything going on with BF I need them to go the f*ck away and not come over here until Im ready…I’ve been more then accomodating since we got home and its time we establish some ground rules.”
Next…. if your DH wont do it, or IL’s wont listen then you simply DONT ANSWER THE DOOR OR THEIR CALLS. Unless they have key (in which case you take that mo-fo back the next time they walk in!!!) if they stop by …. what are they going to do break down the door? DONT ANSWER it!!! If they call you from the front porch and say open up we’re here…. you say sorry its not a good day. When they reply “well we drove all the way here” then you say “ya sorry about that but next time you need to call first”
I know you dont want to be snarky etc…. but they are crass enough to not respect your wishes, say whatever they feel like and barge in without any regard to you or your other daughter…. then why should you give a crap about doing what you have to do!!!!
If I were in your position I would literally telling them to F*CK off and blame it on my hormones lol
Post # 11
also as for your brother…. you need to tell him its not a good time! Im sorry but bringing 3 children??? who are sick…. sorry but I wouldnt be allowing anyone near my baby until they are fully clear. I’d maybe talk to your DH and get him to back you up by saying something like “hey bro, so I was thinking about the weekend and honestly we’re having a rough time right now and I just dont think it will be good to have you guys staying here…. DH and I are a bit concerned about the baby getting sick and the nurses told us shes really vulnerable right now.” if he says they are coming then tell him about the closest cheapest motel near your house!
Post # 12
Mrslovebug: Um, they don’t get to tell you when you can and cannot move YOUR baby. And with the ear covering, I would have taken her right back then and there. If they can’t respect what you, as the mother, want for the baby, then they don’t get access to the baby. You need to do what is best for your little family, not cave to a pair of adults who are acting like entitled brats.
Post # 13
shanbp: haha thank you for your response, it lightened my mood and was good advice to boot! My husvand does need to express more clearly our boundaries but I understand why he is having a difficult time. No matter what he says they never understand and have a way of turning it on him. Example: ehen he brought up changing jobs to get better benefits for our family, somehow they got upset calling both him and I pitiful. When he explained comments like that were why he doesn’t go there that often they claimed my daughters bio father, the one signing over his rights to her, was a better father even though they never met him and knew he was an abusive a hole. They said this two days before my induction date, imagine how that made him feel knowing he was bringing a child into the world! They say things thinking thet are helping but don’t understand how harsh it comes off.
He has already tried talkimg to them but it seems like they aren’t listening. I do think he is gently talking about it unassertively making them think it is no big deal so I will have to tell him to tell them how serious I am… or I will do it myself and who knows hoe my hormones will be that day lol
Post # 14
KitKatNYC: that’s exactly how I felt and what I said to my husband. He is in a “choose your battles” relationship with his parents for the reason mentioned above. When we left the recital though I did tell him that if they can’t respect my eishes with our baby that they won’t have much of a relationship with her. But I think he assumed my hormones would calm down and I would change my mind. But I haven’t and won’t. I’m not the worlds best mom by any means and I recognize my faults regularly and work hard on improving and taking objective criticism to heart but when I ask for my child to not be exposed to such a loud volume I expect to be listened to, she is my child. I did ask for her back so I could cover her ears but they ignored me and my husband shook his head as if to say “not worth the argument” the recital was over right after that and I just grabbed her from them and didn’t hand het back over.
I was pretty let down by my husband, I understand why he didn’t want to say something to them and he has stood up to them before they just don’t listen. But I really feel like he should have had my back with that one at least.
Post # 15
You need to just be clear with them that at this point you need a little space to get used to your new family situation (and this is important for all of you, including your husband and older daughter, not just you!), and they should only come over when invited. Then lock the door, and if they come over unannounced, ignore them. It may seem harsh, but it should get the message across! As long as you keep letting them be ridiculous, they’ll know they run the show.
Also, you aren’t being unreasonable at all. You should especially make it clear to your brother that they are not welcome this weekend, since they’ve been sick. Your priority is keeping your new baby healthy, not entertaining them. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this!