family issues arise over my newborn… what would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Mrslovebug:  Sounds really stressful! You need to put your foot down and tell everyone know. Just nicely say “I love that you are all so excited about the baby. Right now I’m trying to get the hang of breastfeeding and it’s a slow and stressful process. We really need some time to get comfortable with this and ask that you please refrain from stopping by.” Then you need to tell your brother that he is welcome in town, just not to stay at your house.

Post # 3
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

Yikes, I would be stressed out too.  You and your DH need to keep putting your foot down with them.  You are the parent and you have the final say in who gets to visit and what happens with the baby.  No exceptions.  If you don’t feel comfortable with your brother staying at your house, tell him and offer him some alternatives for accomodations (hotels, other family member’s house, etc.).  If your in-laws keep ignoring your wishes, you may want to try a blunt approach by keeping your doors locked and barring them from entering the house uninvited (or changing the locks if they have a key).  Yeah that’s a blunt message and should be a last resort, but it still gets the message through to them and gets you some peace and quiet with your baby.

Post # 4
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Did you say anything to them the last time you posted about your family being pushy? If not, you might want to. I think you also need to recognize that while family might be being pushy, that there are a lot of other factors stressing you out (breastfeeding, feeling like you 6-year-old is being discluded or overlooked, adoption papers…) that might play into your stress. Try and look at it objectively, ask for your space and focus on you and your new baby.

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Mrslovebug:  You and your husband need to discuss this and provide a united front to the family.  Just say no.  Tell them no visitors for X number of days and do not anser the door or phone during that time.  If it’s too much then you and your husband should go stay in a hotel for a few days and not tell them where you are at.  Do not be afraid to tell them they are being rude and presumptuous and that you will not host them without planning out the visit with you and getting the okay from you and your husband beforehand.  It’s really important your husband back you up on this 1000%.

Post # 6
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It’s much harder and more tiring at home than most of us are led to believe. You definitely are getting off to a difficult start with breastfeeding.

These are your DH’s parents. He is the one who needs to tell them to back off. Get a “Welcome” sign for the front door. If the Welcome sign is out , it is ok to drop by. If you don’t want company turn the Welcome sign towards the door.

Your brother however, is your problem. You need to be assertive and tell them that it is not possible for them to stay with you this weekend. When you have settled in with breastfeeding and they are all feeling better, they are welcome to plan another visit. You will let them know when they can come.

The incident at the recital is overblown by hormones I think. All they did was tell you not to bother moving the baby. They could just look at her. You were the one who wanted to lift the baby out of the car seat. Let it go.

 

Post # 7
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I just wanted to tell you that their behavior (IL’s and brother) is absolutely bananas. You are not crazy/mean/greedy.

You have a NEWBORN and your brother is inviting himself and a gaggle of children to stay with you??? And they’re sick??? That is ABSURD. He has children, he should know better. Tell him that you absolutely cannot accomodate them now. Don’t say you’re sorry.

As for your IL’s, reiterate the message that you need to know when they are dropping by. And whenever you need to, say “I need to nurse.” Do they not leave immediately when you say that? Ugh, I am so angry for you!

Post # 9
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You are not being unreasonable at all. Has your husband said anything to them?

I would let the recital thing go for now since the baby is so new, and focus on setting more boundaries at home. Call before coming over, no waking the baby, if you need to nurse they need to go home, etc.

And I would flat out tell your brother that you are sorry, but you cannot accommodate him and his family.

Post # 10
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Mrslovebug:  sorry to tell you but this is your husbands fault! HE is the one not enforcing his parents to back the f*ck off and we all know that the blood child needs to be the one to put the foot down because otherwise “the family” bands together against the daughetr-inlaw because SHES the one who doesnt want them there, or lend them money, or whatever the issue happens to be (we all have them). When it comes from their own child its like “oh I see”. Right now they arewaaaaaaaaaay over the line and they need to be knocked back a few pegs.

You NEED to sit down with DH and say look, “THIS isnt working and THIS is what I need you to do, if not we are going to have some major problems on our hands…..Im tired and overwhelmed and with everything going on with BF I need them to go the f*ck away and not come over here until Im ready…I’ve been more then accomodating since we got home and its time we establish some ground rules.”

Next…. if your DH wont do it, or IL’s wont listen then you simply DONT ANSWER THE DOOR OR THEIR CALLS. Unless they have key (in which case you take that mo-fo back the next time they walk in!!!) if they stop by …. what are they going to do break down the door? DONT ANSWER it!!! If they call you from the front porch and say open up we’re here…. you say sorry its not a good day. When they reply “well we drove all the way here” then you say “ya sorry about that but next time you need to call first”

I know you dont want to be snarky etc…. but they are crass enough to not respect your wishes, say whatever they feel like and barge in without any regard to you or your other daughter…. then why should you give a crap about doing what you have to do!!!!

If I were in your position I would literally telling them to F*CK off and blame it on my hormones lol

Post # 11
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

also as for your brother…. you need to tell him its not a good time! Im sorry but bringing 3 children??? who are sick…. sorry but I wouldnt be allowing anyone near my baby until they are fully clear. I’d maybe talk to your DH and get him to back you up by saying something like “hey bro, so I was thinking about the weekend and honestly we’re having a rough time right now and I just dont think it will be good to have you guys staying here…. DH and I are a bit concerned about the baby getting sick and the nurses told us shes really vulnerable right now.” if he says they are coming then tell him about the closest cheapest motel near your house!

Post # 12
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

 

Mrslovebug:  Um, they don’t get to tell you when you can and cannot move YOUR baby. And with the ear covering, I would have taken her right back then and there. If they can’t respect what you, as the mother, want for the baby, then they don’t get access to the baby. You need to do what is best for your little family, not cave to a pair of adults who are acting like entitled brats.

Post # 15
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You need to just be clear with them that at this point you need a little space to get used to your new family situation (and this is important for all of you, including your husband and older daughter, not just you!), and they should only come over when invited.  Then lock the door, and if they come over unannounced, ignore them.  It may seem harsh, but it should get the message across!  As long as you keep letting them be ridiculous, they’ll know they run the show.

Also, you aren’t being unreasonable at all.  You should especially make it clear to your brother that they are not welcome this weekend, since they’ve been sick.  Your priority is keeping your new baby healthy, not entertaining them.  I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this!

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