Family issues – need to be independent

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

In my humble opinion, your parents are being selfish and unfair to you by wanting you to stay in their house forever.  It is unfair of them to convince you that you are incapable of caring for and supporting yourself and your fiance.  It’s controlling behavior and it’s so unfair.  Just leave.

Post # 3
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can absolutely afford to live on your own with your income, even in Chicago. My FI lived in Chicago for almost a year, renting a studio apartment in a nice area (Lincoln Park) while he was making about $25,000/year. You should have no problem finding a suitable place for you and your FI on what you make. You need to put your foot down, and your parents need to let go.

Post # 5
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

Do you have some money saved up? Start checking out the prices of apartments in your area that are in a reasonable distance to get to work. You and your fiance do need your own space.

I can’t imagine your father saying something like that to you, that your fiance needs to be institutionalized. How cruel. It seems like you have both been through a lot and now is the time to research apartments in the area, set up a budget on your income and expenses and move out.

Will your fiance be able to find a job after he graduates from college? I’m sure there are programs available to help him search for a career. Does he have benefits through his mother or through his school currently? Do you have benefits? If so, I don’t see any reason the two of you cannot live together. 

Even a basement apartment or a small bachelor apartment seems like it would be a better choice than 1) not having privacy where your father walks into your room at 32 years old to tell you what to do and 2) if you and your fiance haven’t lived together before and you have never lived on your own, then starting out with a cheaper apartment would help you guys start to get set up in your own home together. 

My FI and I have lived in some dive apartments that were really cheap, we’ve had to scrimp and save at times and just now in the last couple of years are at a more comfortable place where we are able to start saving money and living in a nicer place and have some disposable income to enjoy ourselves. But we were in it together, and that was all that mattered to us. 

Post # 7
Member
4828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Cluelessbride10:  I guess I don’t really get it. You’re 32 and live at home? Move out! Who cares if your dad tells you you can’t do it. Surely you can pack your stuff on your own and leave. And you are capable of going on craigslist (or wherever) to look for apartments.

Post # 10
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Cluelessbride10:  Without knowing anything about your financial situation, other than your salary, or the cost of living in your area, how about $1,000-$1,200 per month?  That’s about 1/3 of your after tax income.  Can you get a decent apartment in a safe neighborhood for $1,000?

Post # 11
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’ll be honest. Moving into your FMIL’s two-flat apartment is not going to really be a step towards independence. You will still have a parent heavily influencing your life and both your FMIL and your parents will continue to see you as a dependent child. 

Your parents cannot force you to live at their home. You are allowing them to control you. And it will continue as long as you allow it to continue. 

If you are reluctant to move, then move again after you marry, move into an apartment now with your fiance, or move into a complex where you will be able to upsize into a bigger unit shortly after you marry (still would require physically moving but would not require new deposits or credit checks in most places).

At any rate, the answer is as simple as finding a place to live then moving all your stuff. $48k is not a king’s ransom in Chicago but it is certainly live-able.

Post # 15
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

jamb:  It would likely have to be in the suburbs. Any of the nicer apartments in Chicago in decent areas are probably higher. Many people who move there have roomates to help diffuse the costs

Cluelessbride10:  You are 32 years old. Surely you can figure out how to move ( get movers- friends- you FI) to help you. My 23 yr old brother just moved out, he makes less than you, and he moved to an OK downtown area with a roomate.. You seem to be happy to have these limitations. 

Figure out your expenses for the month, subtract that from your paychecks and that can be your rent. At your income I would reccomend looking at renting a room in a house, or finding a nice apartment in the suburbs. If you work in the city there are plenty of areas with access to metra or a quick drive away from an L stop. If there is a will there is a way….

 It kind of sounds like you are really overwhelmed with the thought of moving out- “run away and never come back”? sounds very childish.  Perhaps moving out will help you mature and get a handle on things?

Regarding your parents- It sounds like they are concerned about your future well being. I live in Chicago burbs, I make about what you make and my FI makes more than 2X that and it still doesnt feel like enough. They are probably just worried about your future and but are coming across really harsh ( institutionalized? Is your dad for real lol). If i was engaged to someone who had no income my parents would probably be a little concerned- especially if I had never moved out and lived on my own before. 

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