Post # 1
It is three months before my wedding, and my very dysfunctional family is falling apart. Two of my siblings are mentally unwell, and one of them was just hospitalized (again) last week. For the past week my parents have not returned my phone calls, and I have no idea what is really going on. To make matters worse, I am trying to plan my wedding from out of state.My Fiance and I have sent out Save the Dates, and would have people flying in from all over the country. At this point, we are thinking of just eloping and having a small party in my hometown. (Before you think I sound callous and uncaring about the fact that my siblings are unwell, please understand that they have been unwell for years, and refuse to seek treatment.) I realize it probably sounds nuts that I agreed to have a big wedding in the first place, but I made the mistake of giving in to parental pressure. Now we are uncertain how to proceed. Has anyone been in a similar situation? And if so, what did you do?
Post # 3
oh its such a tough one. i havent been in your situation, but I wish you the best, sorry I couldnt help!
Post # 4
((Hugs)) I know this is a rough situation to be in, one of my siblings is mentally unstable and had to be hospitalized awhile ago, so I completely understand and I don’t think you’re callous or uncaring. That said, if you think having a big wedding is a bad idea at this time then by all means elope and have a big party afterwards no harm in that at all. But at the same time, having a big wedding might give your family something to look forward to. At the end of the day you have to do whatever feels right for you. After you decide that your family will fall in line, or at least they will if they care about you and not just some big wedding, even if you might run into some roadblocks along the way. ((Hugs)) and keep your chin up!
Post # 5
Eloping might be a very good idea, and here’s why I think so: Imagine the worst possible scenario with your family at the wedding and reception. Then imagine that same scenario at a party celebrating your tiny, beautiful, meaningful elopement. You can’t do much to change your family’s behavior (although you can ask your parents to keep you in the loop) and you can’t predict how unreliable people will behave, or how things will change in three months, but you can change how you let them affect you. You can pull off a wedding if you choose to – my friend had her brother take a day off from his halfway house (a years-long battle with drugs) to attend her ceremony but he didn’t come to the reception, and her parents were very involved and committed to making it work for everyone. If your parents just can’t handle that, it might be kinder to you and to them to take the pressure of “perfect wedding” out of the occasion and enjoy an awesome party (or how about two – one in your hometown and one with friends where you live now?) Good luck!!!
Post # 6
I haven’t been in that situation but it sounds like a rough one. I don’t think you sound nuts for having allowed your parents to sway you in a direction you weren’t comfortable with. These boards are FILLED with people who wanted a smaller wedding but were persuaded to go big. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m sorry your siblings are unwell. That can put a strain on everyone in the family, which is sounds like it has. If your parents truly are ignoring your attempts to speak to them. They may be overwhelmed with everything on their plate too, not that it excuses them from contacting their child. Hopefully they’ll return your call soon. Maybe you should let them know that you’re considering down sizing. I’d say it in a voicemail if I had to. Either way, I’m a firm believer in doing what makes you happy. So if you just don’t feel right about a bigger wedding, I’d go with the smaller one you envisioned from the jump, especially if you’re unable to talk to your parents about it. Good luck!
Post # 7
How much money have you already paid that wouldn’t be refunded? If you’ve paid most of it and can’t get it back, then just go through with the wedding as planned.
If you can get your money back, I think you have good reason to cancel the big wedding and elope or have a smaller ceremony if thats what you would rather do.
I guess an important piece to this puzzle is who has been paying for everything? If your parents have been paying, then you definitely need to consult them.
Post # 8
- Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna
If what you want is a smaller wedding go for it. Elope before your date and then use your date/venues/etc as a party and send out your invitations to that instead of a wedding.
Post # 9
It seems like no one has addressed the fact that you’re not in contact with your parents. I think you need to keep trying on that before you make a decision–send them a certified letter if you have to so you know that they are around! I mean, not answering phone calls is a big deal.
And I think eloping is probably a good idea if that’s what you truly want. Is it the stress of the wedding that’s getting you down? Perhaps take a break from thinking about family stuff and wedding stuff this week and just relax.
Good luck! I am so sorry this is happening.
Post # 10
(((Jenny))) That’s a tough situation, especially if you aren’t getting communication from your parents right now. We just canceled our wedding and are planning an elopement now, with a party after. Our reasons were diffferent – finances, Grandma’s health, and some fear of some parent’s behavior at the reception. I never really wanted the wedding thing either, but like you, felt pressure from FI’s parents. (I’ve been married before, he hasn’t) Take some time with your Fiance to make this decision. If, after thinking about canceling for a couple of days, you both start to feel relief, I would cancel. When we first started talking about canceling, we were in the middle of moving and I thought it was maybe just the stress getting to me. After being in our new house for 2 days, I asked Fiance what he thought and right away he said, “Yes! Let’s cancel!” and I felt a big burden lift off my shoulders! We are still in the process of telling everyone, but a lot of people, family included, were relieved not to have the expense of traveling, etc., even if they were a little disappointed. We got a much better reaction than we expected. Good luck with your decision and remember, it’s about you and your Fiance more than anyone else!
Post # 11
It’s kind of like how I am feeling with my dad possibly leaving my stepmom. (Well he did leave, but she is not planning to let him back in the house!). I can’t stand drama, and would hate to have to face a situation like that on my wedding day. I really feel for you.
I think eloping is a great idea. If you didn’t want a big wedding in the first place, and it seems like things are going to be problematic on your wedding day, I’d do it. make the wedding about you and your Fiance, and then celebrate with family when you are able to in a situation with less pressure to make the day go perfectly.
That’s what we are considering…
Post # 12
HUGS. Overall, you have to do what makes you and your Fiance happy and I think you need to forget everyone else in this equation for now. If you feel strongly like you want to call it off, and this makes you feel better, than I think this is what you should do. If you want to go ahead with the wedding, than do if this is what you truly want.
See what your gut tells you before taking the next step.
Post # 13
A HUGE thanks to everyone for all of the support and advice! I am so glad I stumbled upon WeddingBee after doing a bit of googling. It really is so kind of everyone, and I think this site is really great. I think I am going to do as was suggested, and just take the week to think about it. Going to take a break from planning and family worries, and just see how my fiance and I feel at the end of the week. I am already starting to feel a bit calmer (even though my parents still haven’t contacted me). Just need to hold on to a bit of perspective, I guess. Thanks again to everyone, and best of luck to those struggling wtih similar issues.