Weddingbee boards

Hi Bees.  I'm a first time poster, long time lurker.  I have seen the fabulous support given on this site to brides and I am hoping for some support or advice myself.  This will be kind of a long post.

My uncle and aunt who are the brother and SIL of my father are not going to be invited to the wedding.  We are having a small engagement party this coming weekend with maybe 1/3 of the guest list invited and they were not invited to that of course.  The reason for this exclusion is that my dad and his brother have not been speaking now for several years, due to a few arguments.  The current state is somewhat peaceful because they do not get along, they have just chosen to not speak to each other, and both are fine with the decision and don't have a desire to be part of each other's lives.  My grandparents, however, have always favored my uncle and it has always been obvious.  They frequently go to my dad and ask him to reconcile with my uncle, but don't put the same kind of pressure on my uncle to do so.  My dad has always refused.

The first exclusion on a guest list came from my uncle, when he held a surprise 80th birthday party for my grandmother a few years ago.  All of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren were present - except my dad and step-mom.  My grandmother was devastated when she looked around and realized my dad wasn't there.  I sat across from her and she cried for most of the meal.  After that, two of my cousins (children of my uncle) got married and my dad was not invited to either wedding.  My brother and I attended all of these events out of respect for my grandparents and to celebrate with our cousins, but we were both uncomfortable with the situation and discussed it with my dad before attending.  He encouraged us on all occasions to do what we felt was right.

Now we roll around to my wedding.  My uncle and aunt have made moderate efforts to be in touch with me through these years of discord with my dad, but since I have been engaged they have not called, sent a card, or asked to see me and meet my fiancé.  When discussing the issue of inviting them with my dad, he basically said "If they're there, I won't be."  My dad is funding the bulk of our wedding, but he not controlling the wedding whatsoever.  We know our budget and we are making all the decisions.  That is just the kind of guy he is.  So while it may seem controlling of him to ask this of me, it is one of only a handful of things he has ever asked me to do and I feel very strongly that I need to honor his request.  Because they hadn't made an effort with me, the decision to leave them off felt a little easier, but in general I am still uncomfortable with excluding them, even though my dad was excluded from their kids' weddings.

After the engagement party invitations went out, I saw my uncle around the neighborhood and waved and said hi, and he ignored me.  My grandfather called me soon after that and asked me why they weren't invited and told me to consider inviting them.  I explained that they hadn't reached out to me and that my dad was excluded from their events and that this was my decision.

Last night my aunt and uncle called me and said they have a gift for my fiancé and me and that they'd like to meet for dinner sometime in the next couple of weeks to meet him and give us the gift.  Frankly, my uncle is manipulative and controlling, and my aunt is his puppet.  That is my honest opinion of them.  I feel that this meeting will be an attempt to get invited to the wedding.  While I am firm in the decision not to invite them, I don't feel 100% good about it because I know it is hurting my grandparents, and also because I don't like to exclude people.  I don't think I will "cave" but I am wondering if I should even agree to meet with them?  I am also unsure of how to defend a position that I am not 100% comfortable with.

I would truly appreciate any opinions on this matter.  I am so conflicted, and it really helps me to see various viewpoints.  My fiancé will support any decision I make.  Thank you!

Oh girl.  I could have written this post myself.  As a MOB here on the site, I hope that as a mom and as a daughter who who lived this life herself, that I can help.  This is such a horrible situation to be in.  You feel bound by your duty to honor your dad and my grandparents did the same thing, it was always my dad that should make the effort, never my uncle. 

My dad was a very wise man (he passed in 2001).  He told me that his battles were not my battles and that I should choose for myself what I felt was right.  My uncle and I never speak (although we see one another on occasion at weddings, funerals, etc.) However, as for us cousins, we do have relationships.  If you went to your cousins wedding and you are involved with them, then invite them.  Your uncle is a grown man and he also ignored you.  As an adult you lead by example.

I am now 42 and my daughter is getting married soon.  I am just now understanding the full circle and the full effects these things can have on a family.  You live the life that you choose!  You be happy with YOUR decisions and do not allow the decisions of others to affect you.  I cannot tell you what to do.  I believe you know what you want to do.  Follow your head and not your heart in matters of family.  Sadly, that is where most of the hurt in life can come.  I wish you the very best.  Feel free to private message me if you like, I'll help any way I can 

@MasqueradeMom: Thank you for the support!  My cousins are invited and the one who is relatively local is attending the engagement party and another one who is far away has declined, but said that they have already saved the date for the wedding.  There is a third cousin who was invited, but he is a clone of my uncle.  The RSVP was for regrets only and I have not heard anything from him, but he's about 2.5 hours away and I doubt he will show.  I want to maintain relationships with these cousins and not bring this situation into the next generation.

My dad usually take the stance that your dad did (and it sounds as though he was very wise): Do what you think is right.  This is one of very few occasions he has asked anything of me and that's why I feel like I should honor his wishes.  I guess it's just a sucky situation all around.  I hope that my uncle's attempt to meet with us is heartfelt and sincere, and not a ploy to get invited.

@pb and j: Thank you.  Truly, this is how I feel too.  I try to be the bigger person.  Even if his only desire to come is to stick it to my dad that he was invited, at least I will know that I did the right thing.  I wish my dad would adopt this opinion too, but he wants to celebrate his only daughter's wedding in peace, and not have to worry about his brother being there.  I understand his side too but it still makes me uncomfortable.

I'm glad your consin's (most of them) are coming!  As for meeting your uncle, I would say this:  It sounds as though you have made the decision to meet him, yet you worry about his motives.  So, meet him.  IF you feel comfortable accepting the gift, do so.  If they bought you a gift, it should be with no strings attached!  If they "hint" at an invite, let them know that unfortunately, because of this "issue" you are honoring your father's wishes but that you sincerely thank them for their kindness, their gift and that you wish for them to continue to play a role in your lives.  That "this thing" between he and your dad has nothing to do with you.  He will know that.  Sometimes their pride has a hard time knowing it.

I also messaged you :) 

@smyley: Thank you.  Ultimately, I think you're right.  I don't really see that I have a choice in the matter.  If I am questioned about this decision, my inclination is to simply say that these are my dad's wishes and I am honoring them.  However, I am concerned that such a response will throw my dad under the bus and my grandparents will put even more pressure on him than they already do to reconcile.  I am a big girl and I did make the decision in accordance with his wishes, and I feel that I should take responsibility for it even though I'm not 100% happy with it.

Thanks everyone.  I really appreciate the opinions.  This has definitely helped me to be more confident in my decision not to invite them.  I am going to meet with them with my fiancé and if the gift is given with sincere intentions, we will accept it, but I'm going to remain firm on the not inviting part.  Thanks again bees!