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Family members asking to bring kids to an adult only wedding

posted 4 years ago in Beehive
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    Newbee
    alibride    9-6-2008   New York

    Hi Bees!  My fiance and I have decided to have an adult only reception.  Our wedding is a late evening event in NYC (not the most kid friendly time/location) and our venue has a strict limit of the number of guests that can attend due to its smaller size.  Our solution was to not invite any children (relatives or not) under the age of 13.  With our enormous famillies, the total number of children not invited is upwards of 40 kids (most of whom we are related to but have never met... our cousins children, their children, etc)  


    Well, we just sent out our Save the Dates and now some family members (whom I haven't seen in 15+ years) are asking if they can bring their (currently unborn) infant to the wedding.  Well, maybe I should re-phrase that, they told me that they were going to bring him/her with them since they don't want to leave a 4 month old with a sitter overnight... they did not ask if this is ok.   Honestly, I'd rather them not come at all rather than come with a newborn.   But how do I respond without sounding rude?  They are very nice, but I don't really know them very well.  I also have a feeeing that we will be getting several more similar requests to bring children, so I'd like to be armed with a gentle, kind, yet very clear response when this happens again.

    Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation?  Any suggestions on what to say?  Thanks girls!

     
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    fallgirly      

    Hi Alibride!! I've been battling this issue since day 1 of us deciding that we weren't allowing kids at our wedding. We too are having a night event with limited guest list. It's really put a damper on family members however I've stayed true to my wishes and I don't regret it. Be kind to them but hold your ground, don't go into too much detail and get word vomit. Short and simple with a smile!! It is an honor and privelege to be invited to such a monumental time in your life and people who don't respect your wishes shouldn't be there It's harsh and I'm sure I'll battle for the next 5 months but it's worth it to have it the way you've envisioned! If you need to vent PM me!!

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    livvie    10/4/08   Colorado

    Does anyone leave a 4 month old with a sitter overnight?  I'd be surprised, that seems way too young.  I think you have to make an exception for newborns, or else just tell her politely that you're sorry she'll have to miss the wedding.  The mom could still be breast-feeding and need to be near the baby.    You could also suggest some good babysitters in the area for the time during reception as an alternative.

    I don't think that anyone else would be upset and think you're breaking the nobody under 13 rule if you have infants there was well.  I think people understand that a nursing baby is an exception.

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    glittergrl    Planned my wedding in just under 6months. Had the most super fabulous enchanted, eclectic, bohemian forest wedding on the planet! :)   CA

    the LAST thing I would want at my wedding are babies at the ceremony, reception is more flexible because theirs more movement. I am sure that your family member will not want to leave their baby with a sitter because it is so young, but honestly, that's THEIR PROBLEM, not yours! You've set the rule of no kids, they need to follow it, even if they have to be hit over the head after a polite nod has been introduced.

    Do you have a DOC? My invites says 'adult only' and I have instructed my planner that she is to stop any of my guests from coming into the ceremony with little children. It sounds severe, but I'm spending too much money to have this really special moment between me and my fi ruined or diverted due to an inconsolable toddler. Stand your ground. As you said, you don't really even know them well..... shame on them for having bad manners.

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    Angel    July 15, 2005   Snohomish County, Washington State

    From my experience most young babies aren't all that comfortable at weddings. Maybe you can invite them to the ceremony, saying you'd really like them to be there and share that with you, but that you have to be firm on no young kids at the reception rule.

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    suzanno    7/12/08   Richland, WA

    Four months is young to leave overnight, but not to leave for the evening.  If the travel distance is too far for your guests to avoid staying overnight, maybe you could provide them with the names/numbers of local sitters who could be available at their hotel room.  Or maybe they could bring a sitter with them. I recently went on a 12 day cruise with a couple who brought both their young children, and a young girl to nanny part time.  Its not that rare.  Another option, one that my sister and her husband (who have a 6 month old) used this New Years' Eve, was to have a hotel room within walking distance of the party and take shifts with the baby.

    Of course, and especially if its their first child, it may take them a while to get used to leaving the baby at all.  In that case, they may not be able to attend.  Certainly your social life changes when you have children, and we all have to accept that.  Trust me, if they really want to attend your reception, they will find a solution. 

    Breast feeding, by the way, is not really a valid excuse for overnight.  That's what pumps are for...  my sister travels on business overnight all the time, and just leaves her husband with a refrigerator full.  You can easily pump enough extra for that long, if you start early. 

     
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    Sweeney2Be    Aug 23, 2008   Twin Cities Minnesota

    I don't think it's rude. I think that when you make a decision it's made and if you bend it for a 4 month old, then what about a 1 year old, or your second cousin who's 10 year old sister is "really well behave" and won't be a bother? 

    I said this to my sister about her baby shower I just threw her - you can't let one person bring them and tell the rest no - it's rude to everyone then who went out of their way to find a sitter and be responsable and follow etiquette.  And I'm taking the same stand at my own wedding.

    IMO She was rude in the first place letting you know she was bringing her child with out asking. And on top of that - if they are worried about leaving the baby with a sitter overnight, be reponsable, don't drink so much you can't drive and go home a bit early. It's what I do with my daughter now at 3, and when she was an infant I just didn't go because I didn't want to leave her yet. My decision not to find a sitter.

    As parents - new or old - they need to understand that all invites don't extend down to their child as well, no matter their age.  The sooner they learn this, the better. I know as a new parent you don't want to leave your kids behind, but again, it's a decision they need to make - get a sitter or stay home. 

    I'm sure she didn't intend rudeness - but setting it straight is definitly ok! 

     
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    brendalynn       Sacramento, CA

    Honestly: If the reason you're not inviting children is because you have a strict guest limit--then probably adding a 4-month old who doesn't take up his/her own chair shouldn't make a difference to the venue or the caterer...

    But if that's not the reason, then I'd say be honest with them about explaining why the no-kids rule. They can decide as new parents & as your relatives whether it's worth it to them to find a solution or not...

     That said, I do totally sympathize with anyone who has friends or relatives who just tell you who else they're bringing that you didn't invite (kids, guests, whoever). It's a totally frustrating position to be in!!! But I figure when that happens, you have to first look at why you didn't invite them in the first place, whether you can accomodate them anyways, and if you can't accommodate then explain it firmly & with a smile. And the invited guest can decide on their priorities too

     
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    babagrlshell    04/05/08   St Augustine, FL

    My sister has an infant (born 3 weeks ago) and will be less than 4 months for our wedding (April 5th). We have provided numbers for a sitter and a private location she can go and nurse the baby as she needs during the ceremony/reception. The sitter will be at her cost, but she is totally fine with that as the parents need a night out too!!! I've made it very clear that I don't mind the children (I downright love kids), but we just cannot afford to include them in the reception due to the space constraints.

    My advice- stand firm but offer options. The sitter will be at the hotel with the children and my sister will be able to check on the baby as needed. :)

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    rebecca    September 13, 2008  

    i don't think it's an issue with the caterer or the venue, it's that the couple doesn't want kids at an adult party. i totally get it -- one of my wedding nightmares involves a screaming baby at the ceremony!

    sweeney is def right though -- it's all or nothing.

    just stand firm, and make sure the moms stand firm too. i've heard of the couple saying that they don't want kids but the MOB or MOG ends up saying "oh it's okay, i'm sure they won't mind..."

     
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    bride    July 2008 and December 2008   Southern California

    if you absolutely cannot accommodate 4 month old infants, who will probably be on mom's lap?, you can say something along these lines....

     

    it's so good to hear from you! we would love to celebrate with you; however, after much consideration, we have decided to have an adults-only reception. we hope you understand and would still love to have you there if you can make the babysitter arrangements when the wedding nears.

     

    hmm, there really is no good way to say it! haha.  but honestly, i think they will take offense and just not come and will probably hold grudges. so if you are ok potentially losing this relationship, then yes, let me know your feelings.

     

    i'm letting everyone come to my wedding, because there is no way i can keep the kids out. so it will definitely change the wedding ambience, but i'm ok with it, because as long as it's a day where FI and I can celebrate our love, the day will be perfect. :) good luck!! 

     
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    alibride    9-6-2008   New York

    Thank you all so much!  I agree with you all that I should stand firm with our decision to not have children.  Of course, we could always fit the 4 month old - but as sweeney and some others have mentioned, I think it's got to be all - or - none, and since we simply can't accomodate them all, then it has to be none.  Besides, if we start making exceptions for some peoples children and not others we will certainly have a family mutiny on our hands.    Thanks for all of the advice, I'm sure I will feel uncomfortable telling them that the baby can't come.. but I'm sure I"ll get over it :)

     
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    Angel    July 15, 2005   Snohomish County, Washington State

    Let us know how it goes when you do tell them.

     
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    marriedmom      

    Just received an invite addressed to only me and my husband for an out of town family wedding that is just a few weeks away. We have a daughter who is under the age of two. There were no options put together for family members like us, who are expected to be there... The worst part is that the "Save the Date" card was address to our family... the invite says specifically Mr. and Mrs...

    I too once thought that I wanted an adult only wedding. Luckily my mother made me make exceptions. Looking back I am so glad that my nieces and nephews were there - and that our family pictures were complete with all members.

    It is hard to be a bride - everything seems 100x bigger of a deal then it actually ends up being. Do you ladies really think that a baby at your wedding would ruin your day? No parent would let a peep out of their kid during your ceremony - they would walk outside and take their kid for a walk... Get over yourselves ladies. Or at least know - you are not choosing family on this one. And at the end - those are the people who truly care about us the most - believe me - out of everyone at your wedding - those are the people who will stand by you.

     
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    caulner    April 21, 2011   Arlington, VA

    MarriedMom -

     While I agree that brides magnify everything by 100, I don't agree that parents will quiet their children or take them for a walk if they get out of control or upset. I have been to many a wedding where the flower girl has a meltdown in the middle of the aisle during the ceremony, and everyone lets her be, or where babies cry intermittently (or loudly drop the toys you've brought to distract them) without the parents hushing them or darting out. 

    On the note of providing babysitters yourselves, this is the information/advice I received from my family - DON'T.  Not because they won't appreciate the gesture (this is coming from family that is out of town and has 4 children) but that most parents will want to choose the person with whom they leave their children themselves.  I'm sure that while they might think you have good judgement, they probably aren't going to want to use your sitters.  Our relatives all saw this as a chance to have an "adults evening" and sought out their own child care arrangements.

     
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    rebecca    September 13, 2008  

    MarriedMom, isn't it funny that when your kid is in the picture, everything seems like it's 100x bigger of a deal?

     
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    suzanno    7/12/08   Richland, WA

    Oh, I wish that parents would appropriately control their children.  A very few do.  The vast majority don't.  Not only in public places, but everywhere.  I have friends with kids that I simply no longer invite to my home, because not only with they not prevent their little darlings from jumping on the furniture or man-handling the animals, they seriously object when I step in and stop the offending behavior.  (My policy, in my home, is that you control your kids, or I will.) 

    And on the issue of crying babies - my observation is that generally the kid is on their way to a hysterical tantrum by the time mom or dad grudgingly (after many dirty looks and sometimes comments by the surrounding people) gets their butt out of their seat to take the kid out.  Really, the hiccuping half-cry accompanied by many "shushes" and bounces and under-the-breath singing actually is just as annoying and distracting to the rest of us as the full-on-screaming-cry.

    We did invite kids for all our out of town guests, who mostly decided to leave the wee ones with the grandparents for the weekend.  And really, we love our friends, and also really enjoy their kids (for the most part) in AN APPROPRIATE SETTING.  Such as a 4th of July picnic, a ferry ride in the Sound, an informal get-together.  A great many wedding receptions are not all that kid-friendly, and if you're having a very formal sit-down dinner, or a late-night dance party with open bar, probably best to leave the kids out.

     
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    DebbieChicago      

    Everyone I know who worried about every single detail of their own wedding, now claims that it's all so unimportant.

    While I agree we're not saving the world through wedding planning, condescending comments like "Get over yourselves" because people care about how their ceremony or reception will go, isn't helpful.

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    MelissaB    7/25/09  

    OP, I think your reasons for not inviting children are good ones -- it's not a kid-friendly venue, you don't know most of the kids you're not inviting, and you just don't have the room in the venue to invite all of the children under age 13. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making that choice!  Honestly, when I was a kid I hated going to weddings.  I would have loved it if more of our friends and family members had adult-only weddings.

    But as far as your relatives go, I think it would be OK to make an exception for a newborn, still-nursing infant.  If these are first-time parents, they will likely be really freaked out at the idea of leaving the baby behind with a sitter in a strange city, and I'm sure everyone on the guest list would understand why you let them bring the baby.  (Are their any other nursing infants on the guest list?  If so you might need to let them come as well.)

    If you decide to stick to your guns and go 100% no kids (or if other family members ask), say something like, "Our reception site is very small and we just didn't have enough room to invite all of our guests' children.  We decided the most fair thing to do would be to invite the kids over 13, but not the smaller ones." 

    If they press you with excuses like "but my kids would really love to come" or "but I don't want to leave them with a babysitter," say,  "I would feel really uncomfortable making an exception, I've already told a couple other parents that the reception is adults only, and I think it would really hurt their feelings if they saw that we let you bring your child but not theirs.  I hope you understand."

     
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    callalillies      

    this is such a touchy subject so proceed with caution. i want an adult only reception also and i'm trying to think of ways to go about telling people that their children can't come...but there really is no easy way to say it. Personally, I wouldn't mind a 4 month old being there in his or her own stroller. i would seat them against a wall so they can "park" it there. what gets to me is the 4-13 year olds that run around like chickens without heads. i really hope that no one brings their children because every seat in the hall costs money. you gotta be firm and say no. good luck.

     
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    rzblna    July 2008   Los Angeles, CA

    God, I just went through this yesterday, so this post is very timely.  One of my BMs has a 1-year-old, and talked to me at great length about the problems with finding a sitter-- namely, that her parents wouldn't be able to take the child for more than a few hours.  She proposed as an alternative that she take the kid to the wedding, which I said was NOT a good idea.  She even said, like @marriedmom says, that she would have her husband take the baby "out" if she started crying, and promised she would not let it ruin the day.

    I am OK with BM not making the bachelorette party; not making the rehearsal; not making the rehearsal dinner; not being there the morning-of to help out; due to her problems with childcare.  So I don't think I am being unreasonable and selfish, even though I feel guilty and selfish right now.

    @marriedmom-- I get it, and yes, I know that having a child is tough, and that finding sitters is tough.  And yes, it would be hard to completely ruin a wedding, but the ceremony is outside, there are really no buildings around, and there is nowhere for a screaming baby to go that wouldn't be heard.  Maybe back in the car, but the parking lot is adjacent to the ceremony site, so you would just hear the muffled shrieks coming from the car.

    And yes, maybe it is selfish, but look at it from my point of view: I've put a lot of money and months of work into this; and the enjoyment is definitely going to be dampened if the singer is singing over a baby crying; the quartet is playing over a baby crying; the officiant is struggling to be heard over a baby crying in the background.  So who is really being selfish in this situation?

    All of my other friends who have children have found other options.  She can leave the baby with in-laws or other friends who have kids.  Sorry for the rant but there are always other options if you are truly willing to make the effort.

     

     

     
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    angiepangie    angiepangie   Philadelphia

    I honestly don't understand why some people think that their children have to go everywhere that they go.  I NEVER was invited to a family wedding as a child because my family felt that it was not an appropriate place for children.  When I think about an event that is most similar to a wedding, I think about a $100 a plate charity dinner.  How many kids do you see at one of those?

    My FI and I had huge fights about this topic because it was the exact opposite in his family but part of the reason is that there were 4 kids in his family.  One set of my cousins has 8 kids and I am close to all of them.  So we invite his 2 cousins and my 8 cousins and not invite friends' children?  That didn't seem fair to me so we decided that it would be an all or nothing thing.  Based on the current number of friends that we have with children, we had an estimate of at least 15 kids at the wedding.  I'm sorry but I have to think long and hard about every person that is invited to the wedding and it seemed much easier for me to call it an "adults-only" reception than to find a way to make it work with the kids.

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    caliocteach    8/9/2008   California

    I've found that people with kids and dogs use them as excuses all the time.  I don't mean to offend anyone, but when plans are made as far in advance as a wedding you can get a sitter for your kid(s) or your dog(s)! Seriously!!!!! It is called planning ahead and being prepared!

     
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    MissBanana    March 2008   Boulder, CO

    Just as I wouldn't invite children to a cocktail party at our house, we aren't inviting children to our cocktail party reception. I have several friends with small children, and just like I'd miss the parents at a regular party if they couldn't/wouldn't arrange child care, I'll miss them if they can't come to the reception. 

    But that's life...our wedding isn't the most important thing on anyone's social calendar but ours and I'm not offended if they choose their kids over us.  Accordingly, I expect they won't be offended that their kids aren't invited to an occasion inappropriate for children. 

    It is the host's perogative to decide the age appropriateness of their event.  You don't take your kid to work every day, you don't take them to a very nice restaurant (right? right?), you don't take them to a bar or a business lunch.  There are places kids don't belong, and if you decide your wedding is one of those places, go for it.

     
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    KateMW    8.30.03   Birmingham

    Ok, I'm a mother and I'm also planning a vow renewal weekend, so I'm on both sides. I think that 4 months old is too young to be left with a sitter overnight UNLESS it's somebody they see all the time, such as a grandmother, aunt or uncle or nanny. We left our daughter for the weekend when she was two months old, but she was with my parents. Now, if it's just for a couple of hours, I think that would be fine, but some people don't like to leave their kids with other people at the age and they are probably still breastfeeding, etc.. I don't take my daughter to weddings even when she is invited, because she is going to have much more fun with my parents, my aunt or my ILs and we get to have adult fun. Now, we're planning a vow renewal weekend down at the beach and all of our friends have kids. I'm planning on addressing the Save The Dates to the parents only and I think they will probably decide to leave the kids at home and take a weekend off. But, if they don't, that's fine. Depending on how many there are, I'll just do a kid's table and do some child friendly food for them. I'm already planning on bringing our sitter with us to help with Lillie during the week she's there when we're busy, so she'll watch the other kids. That didn't really answer your question, but I wouldn't expect somebody to leave their 4 month old overnight with a stranger, so maybe you ought to count them out.

     
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    Niki    05/31/2008  

    My wedding was about three weeks ago and everyone knew no children were allowed at either the ceremony or reception (the venue was an old mansion with expensive things everywhere).  Plenty of people were ticked off, and my decision will be the talk of the family for months, but you know what?  I do not regret it in the slightest.  What fun the adults had without their little ones tugging at their skirts!  My MOH (the one who complained the loudest had the best time of everyone and would not have had any fun with her four kids present).  I did make one tiny exception to my rule.  For husband's brother and wife (who came from the other side of the country), we hired a babysitter to watch their one and a half year old (not sure how many months, but he was walking) and four-year old.  Even with the children only one floor away, she refused to leave them and spent the entire ceremony and reception with them.  Whatever.  Her choice (and my waste of money).  I couldn't force her to leave them, but I at least gave them an option.

    Do I agree that a 4-month old shouldn't babysitter?  I think that is hard to say.  Depends on who is watching them (my mother versus random kid off the block).  I would not be at all upset if that mom were to choose to stay home either.

    Regarding the comment about how people use their pets and children as excuses and that they should plan ahead and find sitters: sure, we can do that, if we want.  Sometimes we just don't want to go to the event and we are just trying to be polite.

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    cassoftroy    October 3, 2009   Washington DC

    Married Mom - I don't intend for this to be snarky. Have you ever been to the movies?

     There are plenty of kids crying and screaming at Rated R movies. One would think that parents would control their children but many don't. 

     

    My Maid of Honor is AWFUL at controlling her kid in every day situations. What would make me think that he would be well behaved at a boring wedding ceremony. The kid is not invited and I have told her in a nice way that NO KIDS are allowed. (Actually my venue is historic and kids under 16 are not allowed). If she said she couldnt come to the wedding/be in the wedding, oh well, I will send her a video.

    Kids are not welcome everywhere.  

     

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    suzanno    7/12/08   Richland, WA

    I'm laughing about the dog thing.  My FMIL can.not.leave.her.dog.  It is, of course, obnoxious and badly socialized and not really house-broken.  WTF - do I drag along my three cats when we go to visit her overnight?  I do not.  She has pretty much stopped visiting, as since FI moved into my house (which I will not have peed upon) we have instituted a crating rule.  In other words, the dog is welcome - but if he's left alone in the house, he will be crated. 

    I do think that 4 months is a little young to be left overnight - most parents are goint to be nervous.  However, when you decide to have kids, you realize that you're going to miss out on stuff because of them.  How many other things do you opt not to do when your kids are small, because of the logistics of taking them along or leaving them at home?  It's certainly nice if you plan your wedding to accomodate kids, but not necessary, as long as you're not going to take it personally when people decide they can't come if the little ones aren't welcome.  By the same token, parents shouldn't take it personally if the bride doesn't want to plan a kid-friendly type party - everybody gets to make their own choice.

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    29.
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    hjg5k      

    My husband and I have been to four out of town weddings in the last few months.  At each of them, parents of small children found ways to deal with the kids.  In some cases, they left them home with a sitter.  In others, the sitter came along (one family made a family weekend out of it, and her mom came along to help babysit.).  And in many cases, one of the parents showed up, and the other stayed home with the baby.  It was sort of a non-issue for these families.

     An evening wedding is just not a place for babies or children.  The parents have plenty of options.

     
    30.
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    brentevers    4/11/2009   columbia

    My FI and I are designating a room at our wedding/reception site and hiring two baby sitters. There will be a TV with plenty of videos. We are having all parents give the two sitters cell numbers and setting thier phones on vibrate. If a problem arises with the kids throughout the evening, they are called. Also, if at any point parents want to check in, the kids are within seconds. Hope it works!

     
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    caliocteach    8/9/2008   California

    Niki -- if the person is using their pet or kid as a polite way of getting out of something, then they shouldn't ask me (or anyone else) to bend over backwards to accommodate them (which is rude and not polite in any way).  Just turn down the invite.  IMO, these people think that they deserve special treatment and are so selfish that they just don't understand that their needs don't always come first. 

    My fmil is hiring a dog sitter for the evening of the rehearsal dinner and for the wedding -- she took just as much care in choosing her dog sitter as one of my bm's took in finding a babysitter for her 2 kids.  My fmil takes her dogs EVERYWHERE, but she understands that a wedding is not appropriate. My bm spends all day every day with her kids, and she cannot wait to have two days without them!

    If someone does not want to go, then rsvp no.  If their kids cannot  be left alone with a family member, friend, or babysitter then that person simply does not attend the wedding -- they do not get special treatment. 

     
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    lupe77    May 10, 2011   riverside

    I'm debating myself if I should even send out save the date cards, i want to , but im afraid that eveyronw ill be thining that im invited everyone and there momma nd im not my family is big and there is ALOT of kids in the family..iam also doing adult only.. i know my family will be uspet but oh well they find ways to leave there kids at home when they go out, so they can deal with one more night.

     
    33.
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    jma19      

    We just ran into this same issue. We just invited the parents, and my cousin's wife emailed my mom asking if her 3 kids were invited because it only had the names of the parents on the invite. Mom said no, but if you want to bring them, we'll have a babysitter (and they only live an hour away, mind you). Today I got her RSVP and they're not coming. It's probably good because she has a giant redwood up her *&^, but if they can't find a sitter on two months notice, they don't really want to be there. Which is fine, we'll have a blast without them.

     
    34.
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    noelandry       Poulsbo, WA

    My two cents...I just got my first "adult only" wedding invitation in the mail.  I am 32, a husband and father to a 3-year-old girl.  I know the groom, we are good friends, fraternity brothers, college roomates and roomates in "the real world".  I came across this board trying to make sense of the "adult only" part of the invite as I have NEVER heard of it.  We live out of town and will have a difficult time finding a babysitter that is not a complete stranger. 

    Most of the posts I read have been along the lines of this is my special day and if someone can't find a babysitter...that is their fault.  Also, we will have a blast without them or I don't want a kid ruining my day.

    I entirely agree with the fact that you can do as you choose on your special day.  Quite possibly...the most important day of your life...up to now.

    The birth of your first child...should you decide to have children...will be, HANDS DOWN THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE...NO QUESTION.  It will be a running joke that you thought your wedding was the most important day of your life.  Now, think 4 or 5 years after your wedding when you recieve an invitation as a parent, listed "adult only".  The easy response would be, at least now, today, without kids, would be, "well that is the way we did it so I would understand."  I think when you have some special little gibblets running around, you will change your tune.  You will finally understand why all these people were so upset with your decision!!!

    It is your special day...who cares about anyone else...especially the belly-achers with those rotten little kids. 

    One day you might come to regret your decision if it is soley based on a handful of children ruining your day...get over it!!!  If that truly is the case...HUBBY...RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

     
    35.
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    jma19      

    Noelandry - are you serious? Are you telling people that because they will probably have kids someday and that will *overtake*their wedding as the best day of their lives, they should make things easier on everyone and let the kids come? While some may decide this is fine - and this is their decision - some people, like me, don't want kids there. If you think this makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm worried because my fiance's bosses kid is a pain in the a** and I know he'll scream during the ceremony. I don't care if you think his birth is more special than my wedding day, it's my day. Is that selfish of me? Yes, it is. I don't have kids yet, so up to this point my wedding day is going to be the happiest day of my life. I've had enough crap happen lately that I've learned not to live to make everyone else happy, I've learned to live to make myself happy. And I don't want kids at my wedding. When I get an invite years down the road and it says "Adults Only" I'll know exactly what the couple is thinking and respect their wishes, and not get all haughty about it just because I have kids and they don't. And while you predicted my response, three of my cousins with children and four couples with kids are so excited to be able to spend time together without their children at our wedding and told me absolutely not to let another of my cousins bring her kids. So I'm perfectly fine with my decision and don't feel like a horrible monster in the least.

     
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    caliwed    September 2009   Tennessee

    I concur with prior posts saying that you should not feel bad at all.  It does not seem like you are being a Bridezilla by taking such a stand.  As I am quickly learning, you can't please everyone.  One question, if you are having a large wedding will it be videotaped?  If you, or your parents, have received endless flack and just want to get people off your back (and cost is not as much of an issue), I have noticed a few posts about wedding video live feeds.  Now, this is a drastic move, but if it is easier to throw a little money at the problem, why not spend it to allow folks who can't attend to watch the ceremony while in the comfort of their armchairs - with their kids right there.  I am seriously considering this option for my destination wedding if we can make it work and if the folks who complain are internet savy.  Just a thought. 

     
    37.
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    noelandry       Poulsbo, WA

    At no point did I ever say you were a bad person.  I am saying, if you do decide to have children, then one day...you will understand where parents are coming from. 

    Having children is one of the most common human experiences.  Until it happens to you, there is no way to describe it.  There is a whole set of feelings and emotions that cannot be explained to people that don't have children.  Still, I am not saying you are a bad person...just that if you have kids one day, I bet the story will change.

    As I said before, this is coming from a person, with a child, that got the "adult only" invite in the mail.  I am reeling over it.  So call me a bad person for not respecting the bride and grooms wishes.  I have been down the road just long enough to know what it feels like to get that invitation in the mail as a parent.  It just doesn't make much sense to me...that's all.  What one might call, a difference of opinion based on experience.  If I had an "adult only" wedding, after I became a parent...I think I would have learned to regret the decision.

    I am not trying to undermind your special day...I had one too.  But seriously jma19, the birth of my daughter was unquestionably the happiest day of my life.  We had a pretty nice wedding...looking back it was a drop in the bucket compared to watching my wife give birth.  Ask around, you will probably find the same.  That is why people feel so passionate about this issue.

    It is nice to have everyone pat you on the back about your decision.  It is terrible to have someone call you names or yell at you about your decision.  It is fair for someone to offer their side of the story....and that is what I am doing.  No name calling.

     

     
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    ju1244    11/1/08   New York City

    I AM PLANNING TO DO THIS, I asked my girlfriend who is a mother of 2 and she felt like it was absolutely reasonable to say no kids, parents have to understand--if they cant find adequate care...its called, decline!  To soften the blow, my FI and I are going to hire a couple of babysitter's through our hotel and set up a sort of kids room, with games, play doh--snacks, so that parents will feel better.  My FI thought initially this is not our responsibility to pay but frankly...the cost of one place setting is more than a sitter!  

     
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    ju1244    11/1/08   New York City

    PS Regarding SCREAMING CHILDREN, I have been to a wedding that WAS ruined, the maid of honor had a 3 yr old that just wanted his mommy, his dad did not get him out fast enough and in time they were back in the church, the MOH ended up holding her son for the remainder of the wedding!  Bad all the way around.  I dont believe for a second that you can trust any parent to get them out fast enough or far enough--even if they try.  Sorry, thats my experience

     
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    StrawberryBaby    August 22 2009  

    I agree with ju1244.  I was at a wedding reception last night with a screaming baby through the best man and maid of honor speeches.  The parents did nothing to calm the child or leave the room.  


    I think if a bride and groom feel strongly about not having that atmosphere, it's their perogative.

    We're not inviting kids either for all the same reasons as the original poster plus our venue doesn't allow kids under 12.   
     
    I don't think I'll feel bad about this decision ever.  Even after I have kids! 

    Attachments

    1. Family members asking to bring kids to an adult only wedding :  wedding reception kids Img Victoriana6.jpg (8.6 KB, 136 downloads) 2 years old
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    3. Family members asking to bring kids to an adult only wedding :  wedding reception kids Img Victoriana5.jpg (11.5 KB, 125 downloads) 2 years old
    4. Family members asking to bring kids to an adult only wedding :  wedding reception kids Img victoriana_up_close.jpg (46.3 KB, 111 downloads) 2 years old
    5. Family members asking to bring kids to an adult only wedding :  wedding reception kids Img Victoriana7.jpg (15.1 KB, 153 downloads) 2 years old
     

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