Family not excited about the engagement/wedding.

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Holy crap! I thought my family wasn’t excited…

My mom went dress shopping with me and she enjoyed it. I cannot believe your mother said she isn’t excited. That is just plain B…sorry. It is. I am so sorry about your family’s rude behavior. I would go shopping with FI mom. Tell your mom you are though. Tell her that just because she isn’t excited about it or for you that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen. I think that’s the big problem in my family.

Post # 4
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe you could have a chat with your mom (via phone if you are not nearby) and really ask her what the issue is. Does she want you to wait because of her feelings about him or because she generally feels you are too young now? I am also not very close with my mom but she went dress shopping and even brought her best friend along (who was very excited to be there). Maybe invite an aunt or a friend of your moms who is more into the wedding? It seems like you don’t really know why your parents are not into your wedding so asking flat out may help to clearify. I don’t know if this is a stretch, but maybe it is financial if they are planning to pay for a big wedding, maybe some of their assets are tied up right now but they don’t want to make you feel bad or worry so they are just encouraging you to wait without reason. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I felt that I had to register to post a comment to this one.  I expect that it will be very difficult for others who haven’t grown up in Christian families to understand this one.  I experienced a similar situation when I got engaged to my atheist fiance.  While I still believe in God, my parents find my decision very difficult to deal with. They often ask when i think that my fiance might finally “see the way”.  After we got engaged, I was very stressed as they gave me many warnings about the perils of having different beliefs.  My parents are both Christians and thus their dream is to have me marry a Christian guy.  My aunt sent me a letter warning me not to marry my fiance insisting that she was bringing a message from God to me.  Yet, still I do believe in God, just not in the institutional aspects that seem to be more about embracing legalism and making sure no one challenges the “group think”. 

I imagine that your parents haven’t fully dealt with the loss of their dreams that you are not pursuing a Christian life. Maybe they hoped that it was just a phase you were in and that you would change. Perhaps getting engaged to a non-Christian just reinforced this loss a little and now they need some time to process it.  Maybe give it a month of talking about non-wedding related things with them before discussing wedding dress shopping and so on.  It takes time for parents to adjust.  From what you have described, it seems like they really love you, they just need to learn to get used to learning to love “you” and your fiance, not who they hoped you would be.

My parents have come around and have been quite supportive. 

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Give them a little bit of time and if you haven’t gotten far with them, you might have to accept the fact that it will take longer than you’re willing to wait for.

If they don’t approve of the relationship, don’t expect them to pay for the wedding, despite their wealth. Believe me, mine didn’t. And it’s not that they didn’t approve of my fiance, I just didn’t want to have the wedding THEY wanted me to have.

You can save a lot of money in the meantime, so dont’ feel too discouraged. Not taking their money could be a good independent thing for you and your FI, also.

I think it’s really mean and poopy that your mom told you she’s not excited for you or to do stuff with you. I mean, that’s really crap. You need to have a talk with her and tell her you’re disappointed in her lack of enthusiasm for her happiness, then ask her how she expects the next 14 months to pan out? I mean, really, does she expect to do wedding stuff with you, or is she leaving you to “sink or swim” because you didn’t marry the super good Christian boy? Convince her he’s still a good man; maybe just not as pious as she and your father would prefer. They need to be adults and not treat him like he’s scum in their house.That’s just super rude. Tell her that if she’s not going to be an adult and a parent about this, then she obviously won’t mind if you go do these wedding things wtih his mother.

Give her a chance but don’t break your back over it and risk your own happiness. After all, you and your FI have to make this relationship work, even with your parents in the background and this is just the first of many tests. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe your parents still think if they are disapproving you’ll change your mind or some junk

Post # 8
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

& here i thought i had it bad…

a mother who has already called me a bridezilla because i don’t like any of her suggestions. a FMIL who is upset (but won’t come right out & say it) that we’re not having a religious wedding. his side are Christians but the ONLY one who goes to church regularly is FFIL, so why should she be upset??

can you take your dad aside & talk to him first, usually if you talk to him he can reason with the mother 😉  that’s what i have to do. if your parents just won’t listen what-so-ever… ask a close aunt as slicey did. if all else fails, i vote to find a nice area you & FI enjoy, find an officiant who will marry you & have a handful of friends there.  i know you don’t want to hurt your family but ya got to do what ya gotta do sometimes. i’m almost at that point & we’ve only set a date, found a venue & created a shorter guest list, seriously!!

GL.

 

Post # 9
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think you should start preliminary work on looking for a venue, since September is a popular month.  You need to look at a few venues that are within your price range, since it is possible that your family may refuse to contribute to your wedding costs.  Please keep in mind that it is possible that they may also pull their financial support of the wedding at any point even after agreeing to pay for it if disagreements arise during the planning process. 

Your first step needs to be having a conversation with your parents about the wedding.  It is their right not to contribute to the wedding, but they should explain why they told you to wait. 

I have to tell you that this sounds like very passive-aggressive and manipulative behavior (particularly since they haven’t explained their motivation), and you would be in for a very difficult wedding planning process if you accept your family’s contributions.

If you really want to get married next September, you should start planning assuming that you and your FI will be paying for the whole wedding (plus any contribution FI family may be willing to give you).  If you are both willing to wait for your parents’ approval, then you can look at venues in both levels of affordability.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We were faced with a truly grumpy guestlist ourselves and decided to elope. It has been so freeing, I can’t tell you how happy we’ve become with the whole process of wedding planning. We’re taking a few friends (the ones who are genuinely happy for us and haven’t sniped) with us to city hall, dressing for our wedding in full regalia, and then having a reception for those few friends in a San Francisco restaurant and cake cutting. I just simply couldn’t deal with the prospect of having an unhappy wedding day because our guests were going to be so unpleasant. I now cheerfully agree to all demands on our wedding when on of them calls and happily plan our elopement as we wish.

Post # 11
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Poor you.

At the end of the day, marriage is about you and the man you’re committing to, not money or parents etc.

Talk to your mother, express your feelings for your h2b to her, and that you’d like her to play a big part in your special day.

If this doesn’t work then go about planning your wedding yourself, with the help of friends etc. You’re mother will soon be curious and want to get involved.

Wedding are supposed to be a celebration and ironically they often cause heartache within families.

GOOD LUCK and chin up!

Post # 12
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Give them time. My parents weren’t that excited at first either since they wanted more time to save. But I am paying so I just set the date and as the planning continues they get more and more excited.

For you since you are not paying consider what’s more important getting married now or having a big wedding. I really wanted to do the eloping thing myself…there’s ways of having a “destination” wedding and inviting everyone along, you just have to pay for the ceremony and even you could afford that. Once mom hears of the destination wedding she’ll prob start chipping in for the real deal 🙂

Post # 12
Member
21 posts
Newbee

AliGirl,

I know you wrote this many years ago, but was wondering if you’d be willing to provide a follow up. I read your post and I am in almost the exact same situation as you were – same ages, me/fiance not religious, religious and unenthusiastic parents, super excited future in-laws… everything. How did you maneuver this problem and do you have any advice for someone in practically the same shoes?

Thanks!

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