Weddingbee boards

Hello everyone,

I am new here.  I have no one else to really talk to about this, so maybe some of you could lend an ear and maybe some advice.. 

I am in my early twenties.  My fiance and I have been together for 6 years as of January of 2012.  Last year he proposed on my birthday.  We have always discussed getting married, having kids (quite down the road), planning our futures (together and independently) so it wasn't a complete shock :).  Needless to say I was excited though and it assisted in solidifying our commitiment to eachother. 

I have not decided what to do as far as a career, but due to my age, I'm giving myself time to figure it out.  Both my fiance and I agree that we both should do whatever we feel we desire to do independently before marriage.  Don't get me wrong, we both LOVE to do everything together, but the door is always open at this point if one of us wants to explore careers, school etc. avenues.  - He recently decided to go back to school, get his degree and has since been hired by a company who is not only paying for his schooling but has a position waiting when he's finished.  It's a career he's always wanted and he's truly so happy about his future in this venture and with this company!  I am so excited for him.

Now we both have plans in mind..  We want to spend about a year after he's done with school to save for both our wedding and a house.  We both are more comfortable paying for our own wedding than to have our parents help us so we have set aside a somewhat rigid plan for our budget and how to go about saving for it.  Thankfully, I still live with my parents and they have kindly offered us to continue to live with them so we can save for the big day and house. 

Now, here is where there is some problems...

My mom was married young.  She was 19.   She is still married to my dad, but seems almost regretful and resentful of him and getting married so young.  I have never wanted to be married young, in fact I'd always tell my parents that getting married and having kids was far from my mind, but I said that before I met my wonderful fiance.  Even then, both my fiance and I knew we wanted to wait.  No sense in rushing into anything, right?  We knew we'd be together, but also knew that there were and are certain things that needed to happen first.  We both acknowledged maturing was important, growing as people and in our relationship, becoming stable financially, achieving career goals etc.  Everything is going really well with us and I have to say I think we are on a great path together.  Everything is going smooth and steady, at a good pace for our age.

The night my fiance proposed, I had to get the dish..  Did he ask my dad for his permission? Or not?  Did anyone else know?  How did he go about picking out the ring? (The story about the ring is another long one, but was sooo very neat!)

Well I find out my fiance did in fact ask my dad for permission.  He took my dad out to breakfast a couple mornings prior.  But my dad apparently was pretty non-shalant about the whole thing.  Basically, wondering why my fiance was even asking him.  That hurt, as I thought my dad would be more involved or at least commenting on the gesture.  It's traditional old-fashioned, but it was sweet and respectful.  My dad even made a comment about me being pregnant... Really!?  I am not that girl (no offense to anyone here!) and if he knew me, he'd know that.  My dad has never really been involved with me, nor really takes the time to really have interest in me.  It hurts, but it is what it is. 

I call my mom first, after my fiance proposed.  I tell her excitedly what happened and she goes silent.  All she says is, "I don't know why you're doing this."  She didn't even congratulate us.  My fiance told me that a couple days prior he showed my mom the ring and told her what his plan was and also that we do not plan to get married for a couple years. (we both know that my mom obviously is not exactly happy with her decision to marry young and doesnt want me to make the same mistake) I wasn't expecting my mom to act the way she did.  I'm not her and I'm not making the same choices she did.  I respect my mom and value her opinion and approval.  She genuinely loves my fiance and treats him like a son, sometimes..  So I just don't know why she had to be that way on a very important day of my life.  It's so upsetting.  I have not talked to her about this.  At the time she was out of town for months prior and after the engagement, so I just tried to forget about how it hurt me.  But now as things progress and my fiance and I are slowly getting closer to that special time in our life, I feel I don't have the emotional support from anyone in my family.  My mom and I have always had a close relationship, which makes her lack of being there, really painful for me.  I try to drop hints about wedding plans, our future etc. but sometimes she just blows it off or makes those faces like I'm a five year old again asking her about getting a kitten..  I get upset thinking about picking out a wedding dress, as I don't feel she'll even show her support then.  I want to share in this very special experience with her and involve her to the fulliest, but I also know I can't have someone elses internal frustrations that I can't control, effect my happiness.

My fiances mom on the other hand is realy supportive of us and it helps me remember that this is supposed to be an exciting time in our lives. 

Does anyone have any advice, anything at all to offer up on this?  What should I do? 

I haven't spoken with my mom and I am in fact scared to because I know it will upset her.  I'm not sure what to do... 

Honeymead - Thank you.  I appreciate your words.  It is sad :/.

Carolyn72 - It's comforting to know I'm not alone, though I wish no one had a similar story.  I hope you're right and time is all that this situation needs.  I'm excited about planning, but can't help but get a little blue at the idea of feeling like my most treasured person besides my Fiance, isn't right there with me to share in the experience like I hoped :(.  Maybe she will be one day as it draws closer!  I hope.

Awwwww... lots of hugs!!! It sucks that your parents aren't on board in the way they should be... but remember its their loss ;) Try to find friends who can share in your joy.. and this is definitley the place to get support ;)

Wow this is such a lovely message board!  Thank you all.  I really appreciate it :).

BermyChick - Thank you!  I'm hoping they will not continue this and actually become supportive because even though I am hurt by it, there is nothing like your parents support in your life.

Angelz love - Thank you :).  I am hoping they will.

Rachael432 - Yes it has been hurtful.  Both of my parents are not excitable people.  Like for example that mother who is screaming and giddy to hear the news of an engagement is far from my mom.  But I hopped that she would have stepped up and really been my mom and put her regrets and personal feelings aside for me.  :/

@Neutrina: COMPLETELY AGREE!!!! My first husband and I married when I was 19 and he was 21. Neither of us had a CLUE!! Not all marriages which begin at a young age end poorly. However, there are a lot of challenges which are often unexpected and the coping mechanisms to deal with them are simply and often lacking. I do think it is better to wait until a person has found a career path, had some life experiences, and sort of grown up before making such a big committment.