Family not taking engagement seriously (long rant)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: restaurant

@perlerose:  I’m sorry that you’re going through this! I’m going through a VERY similar situation with my future FI in that:

-my boyfriend’s mom is having trouble letting go of her youngest child, and I worry that she thinks I’m controlling because I’m “taking her baby away” because he’s grown up so much since being with me

-my mom thinks I shouldn’t be talking about wedding details without being engaged (sounds like you may have something similar going on with your family)

-my family loves my SO, but seems less excited than I am about getting engaged (again, I think she’s waiting on the official ring before getting excited)

My hope for you (and for me!) is that your family takes it seriously once you not only have the rings in, but he has asked your family for their blessing (a lot of parents see this as the official step before they take it seriously) and has officially proposed.

So my advice, based on my personal experience is, DON’T talk to anyone but him and close friends that also love weddings until you have the proposal/ring. I say this because a lot of my friends who are single or aren’t at that level of commitment yet in their relationships have a lot of trouble being excited for me. Same with my family. And sadly they won’t be that way until I have a ring. And your family will have trouble taking it seriously without officially reaching that next step. Then, once it happens, I have no doubts that people will be ecstatic for you!

But in the mean time, I’m sorry to hear about your stressors. It’s really not fair that everyone can’t be as excited as us future brides! But don’t let them rain on your parade!

Post # 4
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@perlerose:  🙁 I’m sorry your family seems underwhelmed…I’m sure they’re just waiting for the actual proposal! Who knows, maybe they’re playing it so cool because they don’t want to seem too excited because it will ruin a surprise or something. BUTTTTT guess what? You are getting engaged soon, miss lady!! 🙂 And, as a fellow waiting bee who has people that are only semi-excited about any pre-engagement updates because it’s not the real thing yet (they know it’s coming, so updates don’t get them as jazzed as they get me) I totally feel your pain. I’m sure they’re not unenthusiastic about you guys as a couple, and I know they’re anxiously awaiting your actual engagement 🙂

 

I bet they’re going to be thrilled when you get to announce that it finally happened!! Congratulations to you!

Post # 6
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@perlerose:  My family acted in a simlar way when I came home one night with a ring on my finger. They sort of acted like it was no big deal and that it was just some childish thing, once my mom even said we were “playing house”. 

We’ve celebrated our 4th anniversary and plan to get married on our 5th… my family still isn’t taking it all that seriously with the exception of my younger sister. Whenever I mention wedding related stuff they say its kind of early (been engaged for 2+ years now!) and don’t seem excited at all for this wedding.

I’ve found it is better to just not discuss it with my family and just handle wedding things on my own.

Post # 7
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@perlerose:  You’re not engaged, and most people (in my area anyway) aren’t used to the idea of the girlfriend helping pick out the ring. These things combined with your wedding date that isn’t for 2 or 3 years is probably why they aren’t excited. Also, honestly, weddings aren’t a big deal to a lot of people. They’ll probably be excited once you get engaged.

Post # 9
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am sorry you are going through that.  In my opinion, it is unusual to discuss ring purchasing with your parents, especially before an engagement.  Along those same lines, talking about first dance songs is pretty laughable when you are aren’t engaged yet.  You later refer to it as one of the “important” things.  In the scheme of things, a first dance song is pretty meaningless.   I think engagement is something done basically without you parents input, and then you announce your engagement and show the ring at the same time, like adults.

Post # 11
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I mean this in the nicest possible way…. nobody cares the way you do. Their lives go on the same every day. Nothing is changing for them. So what is there for them to get worked up about? Just because it’s a big deal to you and your FFI, that doesn’t mean it’s a big deal to anyone else. Let it go, revel in your soon-to-be-engaged glory with your partner, enjoy that secret world that only the two of you can inhabit, and move on. So people aren’t excited about something that a) hasn’t happened, and b) has no bearing on their lives. No big deal. Nothing to be upset about.

Also, unless you are a mind reader, it’s probably best to stop interpreting their actions/responses (or lack thereof) in such a negative way. You are seeing ill thoughts where there are none. That is all in your head. If you are not careful, your negativity will hurt your relationships with these people. In my experience, when there are several possible reasons for things,  it’s usually best to give people the benefit of the doubt that they asre innocent of whatever negativity you’ve conjured up in your own head. Giving the benefit of the doubt will save you a whole lot of unnecessary and useless angst.

Post # 13
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@perlerose:  For me we have set the date but we haven’t communicated the precise date because we know the kind of reaction it’ll get this far in advance, they will just be given ample notice of the date when venue is booked and all of that.

For some reason they expected me to have an extremely small and cheap wedding (we are using only $2000 but they expected much cheaper). My mother thought we’d just get stainless steel bands and go to the courthouse on some random day with no one else there with me wearing some random dress and FI looking like a homeless guy or something… 

I shared the dress and ring with her and she is still underwhelmed and criticizes that a $300 dress and $100 ring are far too expensive – as if to say we are so screwed that we shouldn’t even be spending money on this wedding!

Post # 14
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@perlerose:  if it helps, I’m really excited for you 🙂 I actually got a timeline last night, so yes I have a little bit of an idea! I actually just posted about it, haha. Mr. H and I live in the same apt building on the same hall, but we don’t actually live together because I said I don’t want to do that unless we’re actually engaged (or married). We also said that if we move out of the building, it would be together, i.e.: engaged. So, last night we were fantazing about the glory of having space, a yard, a real kitchen–we live in studio apts now–and I said, “Well, I can’t wait for it! Correct me if I’m wrong but hopefully we won’t be doing the 2 apartments thing for 3 or 4 more years…” He goes, “oh my god no. I’m stopping it this year…like, I don’t plan to renew my lease in August!” :))) so, I’m shutting up about it because I am now looking at a max of 8 months! I have reason to believe he’s already got the ring, so I’m just keeping my nails pretty and reading WB to be excited with pre-engaged ladies like you! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It’s extremely hurtful.  My best friend felt like her family didn’t care about her wedding, and my head almost exploded off my shoulders when I found out my FH’s family (aunt, uncle, cousins) DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WE WERE ENGAGED on Christmas.  PS we’ve been engaged since July.  I guess his dad never got around to mentioning it?????

If the proposal hasn’t formally occurred, mayyyybe everyone is trying to stay “calm” and throw you off the scent trail so you’re surprised when he does it??  IDK, just trying to give your fams the benefit of the doubt!!

 

Post # 16
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

I guess I personally find it odd to try and engage people on wedding details ect until you have the ring and a timeline in mind, but to each their and own and whatever works for you and FI.

I agree with earlier comments that since the whole “women being more involved in the ring/ engagement process” is a newer thing than in our parents generation, they’re a little confused about how to respond.

I would advise keeping the wedding details to yourself or between close friends until you’re actually engaged.  I think once you announce the engagement your mom will get more on board with planning and being interested, right now she might just feel disconnected since it’s technically “hypothetical. 

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