Post # 1
Well, Beehive… the way I pictured my wedding day since I was a little girl is turning out somewhat different. I had always pictured ALL of my family being there. Not just some of them. Unfortunately, it’s not turning out that way.
My dad and I had a really big falling out a couple months ago but it was a long time coming. Ten years at least. Without going into too much detail I felt that he has made some terrible decisions in his life, many of which have directly impacted his children.
I’ve tried so hard to be understanding, even to the point of looking the other way. Like I said, I’ve been dealing with this for the past ten years and now I feel like I can’t anymore. Although it broke my heart and I’ve been hurting ever since, I’ve asked him not to be around me or to come to my wedding. What hurts more is that I’ve always pictured him there. I love my father very much but I cannot be in the middle of the things he chooses to do which in turn hurt the people around him.
Because of our falling out, my Grandmother (his mother) told me today that she’s decided she will not be attending the wedding as well. I have to say that I excpected it because after all… that is her son. It’s a respectable decision but it also broke my heart. She said that she understands my decision and agrees that I should not have to carry the burdens of my father on my shoulders. She just can’t be there without him.
Heaven forbid something should happen to my father, it would tear me apart. The only thing I can say is that before I hung up the phone the last time we talked I told my dad that I loved him with all my heart and I always would. When he can figure his life out I would love to have him be a part of mine. Just not now.
Right now my saving grace is my FI. He has been in my life since my freshman year of highschool. He knows everything about my family. I’m so lucky that he stands beside me through all of this. He tells me every day that I’m making the right decision and that all is going to be OK.
The problem is that I’ve always pictured the story book wedding because I’ve never heard of any other brides having a problem with family not being there. What’s your story Beehive? What did you encounter during your wedding process that you never thought you would? I would love to hear your stories and your input.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry to hear about this falling out. It sounds like the decision was in the works for a long time though. Do you feel at peace about this idea? If not, it may be helpful to have a counselor to talk to about your history with your dad. The time around a wedding can be a reconciliation or a "let bygones be bygones" time, but then again that just may not be an option at all with your particular situation. The silver lining of course is your fiance being such a rock of support during this tough time for you.
My story isn’t nearly as difficult as yours sounds, but my friend and roommate of 3 years really did a flipperooni on me once my FI and I announced our engagement and I started talking to her about moving out. We had a very close friendship and it was plain as day to me that she wasn’t excited about our engagement and didn’t even answer for sure if she’d go to the wedding or not, and I even asked her to be a bridesmaid. When I finally talked to her about it, she admitted she wasn’t happy about it, didn’t think it would work, etc etc. We ended up having a pretty bad argument about moving after that and it was all really yucky. It was weird, she yelled and cussed at me and I moved out after that because I didn’t feel safe at home. So, needless to say, she isn’t coming to the wedding at all and currently we aren’t speaking. It is all really weird but really feels like it is an issue she’s working through and I’m not sure why all of this stuff has been projected onto me. Sigh. It is hard.
Post # 4
hugs to you!!! no advise but just to let you know youre not on your own with family issues
my family is really splintered. both my parents are alchoholics and my mum is verbally abusive
my mother had a huge falling out with my sister (shes older than i am) 15yrs ago and since then she has had no contact with her or the 3 grandsons and now her very first great grandchild. she rarely speaks to my brother and his family and she and i only speak about once a month. one of the conversations with my sister over our wedding party was about who to invite and who not. i picked my siblings over my own mother because at least my siblings have been there for me and not hurt me in the past
my thoughts are – its my mothers actions that have created her unhappiness in her life and she can carry the result of it herself. as an adult its not my responsiblity to carry all her drama and rubbish and my future, health and happiness is whats important to my life.
unlike my siblings, i havent walked away from my mother yet but if i need to one day i will
at least you have told your dad that you love him and he has heard that. hopefully your grandmother will change her mind
Post # 5
its dramatic but i have always believed there is no family more dysfuntional than mine…until I started meeting my husbands family. In the end, we went back & forth over who to invite and who not to invite, and I wish I had went with my gut. There was so much damn drama at the wedding (and the day after brunch)…luckily I didnt find out about most of it until after the wedding, but I have still ended relationships over certain events.
So my advice is…follow your instincts. Sure, we all pictured our entire families at our weddings, loving and supporting us. But the truth is that people dont surprise you. Youve ex-d your father out of your life for a reason. Dont think that his behavior or actions will change because its your wedding day…trust me on this and spare yourself the drama and heartache.
Post # 6
If your reasons for not having your dad at your wedding are something that you cannot foresee yourself changing, then there’s not much you can do. Your grandmother’s decision not to attend is unfortunate. I know your heart is broken because outside of the wedding, no one wants strained relations with their parents and not to have your father and/or grandmother there is not the way you pictured your day, but sometimes we just have to accept things for how they are. If you’re absolutely certain that this is how it should be, then it’s time for you to focus on all of the other friends and family that will be there for you. Please take comfort knowing you’re not the only bride whose father didn’t walk her down the aisle, and I’m sure you won’t be the last. Even though you’re hurting now, I’m sure that your day will still be filled with joy and your heart with love – no matter what….as it should be.
Post # 7
Hi again guys,
I just wanted to take a second to respond to your comments. First, thank you guys for helping with this difficult situation. And second, congrats to all you wedding bees!
@mambinki- I wish I was completely at peace about this, however I know that in the next two and a half months nothing is going to change and so I’m just trying to deal with it.
I’ve been close to where you’re at with your roomy when my FI and I first moved in together. It’s really difficult when friends drift apart especially when those are also people you see being a huge part of your life. Keep your chin up and know that she still loves you. It seems like she’s got a huge internal dilemma and like my father will have to work through that before reaching out to you.
@eloping- Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Isn’t it a wonderful thing to have your siblings there for you? Even though we’ve struggled with our parents being divorced our entire lives, we’ve somehow made it through together all on our own. I think it’s a wonderful thing that you still remain in contact with your mother but you know your boundaries.
@FutureMrsMorgan- Thank you so much for your advice. It has really helped me to remain strong and stick to my decision when today I came so close to calling my dad and caving in for my grandmothers sake.
You’re absolutely right about people not surprising you when you already know how they will act or what they will say. I know that I’m going to think about both my father and grandmother on that day and I will simply say a prayer that this will all work itself out in time.
@mlindsey- I’ve wished for years that the situation would change however it was just recently that I’ve come to the realization that it’s not going to. My heart will hurt for a while but after the wonderful advice that’s been given here today it will be a bit easier to look forward to all the fun and exciting stuff that is still to come.
Thanks again everyone.
Post # 8
Hmmm, tough one; I dont know your father is still your father
no family is picture perfect we all have our shares of drama
my dad was unfaithful to my mom about 25 years ago and divorced her; my brother never spoke to him and we didnt keep in much contact the result of which he now regrets and wants to patch up with my mom
I have since forgiven my dad and couldnt imagine anyone else walking me down the aisle; my dad is not perfect but he is still my father and I love him, imperfections and all, despite the pain he has caused my family and the split of our family because of this; last year we had our very first family reunion including our parents
my advice is; I hope one day you will forgive your dad for his imperfections; he is probably not perfect but he is still your dad, without him you would not be here on earth today
I hope you can even patch things up before your wedding day, because believe me, I am sure you would feel empty knowing your dad isn’t there by your side; when my dad wasn’t in our lives and I had little contact with him because it was too painful a piece of me felt like it was missing.
just my two cents worth
why not send him an invitation and see how things turn out
good luck and god bless